Saturday 18th June 2005
Triang Mukha Eka Pada Paschimottanasana
Kirsty and I practiced in the gallery together this morning. I’m giving her some guidance and a few pointers about how to work in the poses but it’s her spirit more than her body that’s being drawn to yoga. We talked about the breath, prana, moving energy, bandhas, chanting, and the power of the voice to express and align with the universal current.
It’s lovely to practice with her even though it borders on a semi-teaching session. I left the Gallery afterwards feeling vibrant, energetic, open hearted and elated, a feeling that used to occur after teaching a yoga class. I'd completely forgotten about this overwhelming Love that comes back to us when we give it out. Another reason to go back to teaching (I'll add it to my growing list of pros and cons).
But back to practice....
When we got to Triang Mukha Eka Pada Paschimottanasana (a ridiculously long name), Kirsty was having some difficulty with it so I suggested the folded blanket under the buttock prop which brought her hips level. She was feeling it mostly in the straight leg thigh which made me momentarily reflect on where I was feeling challenged in this pose. Physically nowhere. I can now ‘do’ this pose relatively well, without feeling intense physical sensations anywhere. But it always brings up a weird feeling of confusion. It’s a complex pose and for me the asymmetry is often strangely destabilising. I’d normally hold Triang patiently waiting for the five breaths on each side to be over so I can move on to the familiar Janu series.
I seem to ignore Triang while I’m in it, like it’s a temporary annoyance, something of no importance or consequence; funny…it kind of reminds me of being at parties (over 20 years ago!) and getting cornered by the most boring person there. You smile politely while they talk at you but you’re not really listening; instead you’re thinking of how you can make a getaway. I think Triang has been like this. I’ve not really been listening to it so now I feel guilty, like I’ve neglected to love someone who deserved my love.
So OK...it’s gonna change now. Each time I come to Triang, I’ll be on full alert to the subtle denial that's marked this pose as a nuisance. Triang will be like the annoying mosquito that wakes me up at night. No longer will I try to sleep through it but wake up and deal with it.
We pondered the reason for Triang to be inserted in the sequence where it is and came up with hip rotation. When you look at the previous pose in the Ashtanga sequence, Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana, the top of the femur of the bent leg must rotate externally in the hip joint quite a bit. In Triang, the femur of the bent leg rotates internally. Then in the next pose, Janu Sirsasana A, it rotates externally again. All this rotation one way then the other. I hadn’t realised this before. But what a difference it made to my experience of Triang when I focussed on the myriad of sensations occurring within both the hip joints.
I don’t think in asana practice we should be isolating our awareness to specific parts of the body to the exclusion of others. This usually happens when a part of our anatomy is being really challenged and stretched and it yells for attention (like the hamstrings in Uttanasana). It’s a reactive response to the threat of injury and it’s hard not to focus solely on that loud sensation. I think it’s different though when you consciously direct the mind inwards to calmly investigate, explore and observe. In Triang this morning, I directed my full awareness into the strange, unfamiliar territory of my hip joints, and I stayed. It was like deep-sea exploration, observing, recording, analysing. Close by I could hear my Ujjiya breathing resonating rhythmically in unison with the undercurrent of mulabandha. Surreal surround sound.
Every now and then a pose transports us to the other side.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Triang Mukha Eka Pada Paschimottanasana
Kirsty and I practiced in the gallery together this morning. I’m giving her some guidance and a few pointers about how to work in the poses but it’s her spirit more than her body that’s being drawn to yoga. We talked about the breath, prana, moving energy, bandhas, chanting, and the power of the voice to express and align with the universal current.
It’s lovely to practice with her even though it borders on a semi-teaching session. I left the Gallery afterwards feeling vibrant, energetic, open hearted and elated, a feeling that used to occur after teaching a yoga class. I'd completely forgotten about this overwhelming Love that comes back to us when we give it out. Another reason to go back to teaching (I'll add it to my growing list of pros and cons).
But back to practice....
When we got to Triang Mukha Eka Pada Paschimottanasana (a ridiculously long name), Kirsty was having some difficulty with it so I suggested the folded blanket under the buttock prop which brought her hips level. She was feeling it mostly in the straight leg thigh which made me momentarily reflect on where I was feeling challenged in this pose. Physically nowhere. I can now ‘do’ this pose relatively well, without feeling intense physical sensations anywhere. But it always brings up a weird feeling of confusion. It’s a complex pose and for me the asymmetry is often strangely destabilising. I’d normally hold Triang patiently waiting for the five breaths on each side to be over so I can move on to the familiar Janu series.
I seem to ignore Triang while I’m in it, like it’s a temporary annoyance, something of no importance or consequence; funny…it kind of reminds me of being at parties (over 20 years ago!) and getting cornered by the most boring person there. You smile politely while they talk at you but you’re not really listening; instead you’re thinking of how you can make a getaway. I think Triang has been like this. I’ve not really been listening to it so now I feel guilty, like I’ve neglected to love someone who deserved my love.
So OK...it’s gonna change now. Each time I come to Triang, I’ll be on full alert to the subtle denial that's marked this pose as a nuisance. Triang will be like the annoying mosquito that wakes me up at night. No longer will I try to sleep through it but wake up and deal with it.
We pondered the reason for Triang to be inserted in the sequence where it is and came up with hip rotation. When you look at the previous pose in the Ashtanga sequence, Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana, the top of the femur of the bent leg must rotate externally in the hip joint quite a bit. In Triang, the femur of the bent leg rotates internally. Then in the next pose, Janu Sirsasana A, it rotates externally again. All this rotation one way then the other. I hadn’t realised this before. But what a difference it made to my experience of Triang when I focussed on the myriad of sensations occurring within both the hip joints.
I don’t think in asana practice we should be isolating our awareness to specific parts of the body to the exclusion of others. This usually happens when a part of our anatomy is being really challenged and stretched and it yells for attention (like the hamstrings in Uttanasana). It’s a reactive response to the threat of injury and it’s hard not to focus solely on that loud sensation. I think it’s different though when you consciously direct the mind inwards to calmly investigate, explore and observe. In Triang this morning, I directed my full awareness into the strange, unfamiliar territory of my hip joints, and I stayed. It was like deep-sea exploration, observing, recording, analysing. Close by I could hear my Ujjiya breathing resonating rhythmically in unison with the undercurrent of mulabandha. Surreal surround sound.
Every now and then a pose transports us to the other side.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Friday 17th June 2005
I wanted to get to three morning classes at the shala this week (Wed, Thurs and Fri) which, along with two practices in the Gallery (Tues and Sat), would have made a grand total of five.
But at 5am yesterday morning my bed was too warm and yummy so I snuggled in deeper and stayed there. Four practices is OK I guess – especially if I abandon my unrealistic expectations and drop the guilt of not living up to them.
From next week I’ll have to do at least three classes a week at the shala for three consecutive weeks to avoid wasting the money I spent on a 20 class ticket. I think it expires on July 4th. Financial law enforcement…great incentive.
Took a bit of a gamble going to Led Primary this morning while still in recovery from this bulging disc. Had to hold back in all the forward bends and not even attempt some of the risky poses (the Marichys, Bhuja and Kurmasana). It took a lot of inner conviction to hold back while facing and tempering my desire to excel. I was also able to catch an occasional small minded thought like “jeez, the people on either side of me might be thinking I’m a beginner, or a WIMP because I can’t do these poses”. Yuk.
This thought was fleeting though – it was good practice to recognise these small minded thoughts as they arose and then consciously return to a practice of inner integrity, happily modifying the poses to prevent further damage. The path to enlightenment is all about purifying the mind and eliminating all negative and impure thoughts that perpetuate and feed our illusion of a separate self. I've noticed lately that conceited small minded thoughts are becoming less and less as my mind becomes more and more illuminated, but there's still a lot of inner work to do before they're completely eradicated.
The Led Primary this morning had a couple of wildcards thrown in. Simi’s taken to breaking up the Surja Namaskars lately, holding some of the positions for 5 breaths and inserting a lunge into Surja A with the back knee on the ground; from there you move the hips back which takes you to a sort of Parsvottanasana with hands on the floor. She also did the research sequence before Kurmasana with some seated hip opening moves and legs-behind-the-head, emphasising that the shin should be parallel to the floor when behind the head or else it will push the head forward and make you grumpy! Needless to say I couldn’t even attempt the sequence in my current disabled state, so I just sat with spine erect and held my shin up parallel to the floor across the front of my chest.
Injuries, interruptions and set backs will always occur in the physical practices. You wanna jump around for 2 hours every morning, you have to accept that the chances of injury are much higher than the average person's (more on a par with top athletes). The real heart of yoga practice is not asana, pranayama, kundalini awakening or even meditative absorbtions; it’s to accept and open up to whatever IS with a joyful and pure heart.
Overall it was reassuring to finally do a relatively full practice despite modifying about half of it. I’m so glad I took the gamble.
Getting back in the groove…slowly…
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
I wanted to get to three morning classes at the shala this week (Wed, Thurs and Fri) which, along with two practices in the Gallery (Tues and Sat), would have made a grand total of five.
But at 5am yesterday morning my bed was too warm and yummy so I snuggled in deeper and stayed there. Four practices is OK I guess – especially if I abandon my unrealistic expectations and drop the guilt of not living up to them.
From next week I’ll have to do at least three classes a week at the shala for three consecutive weeks to avoid wasting the money I spent on a 20 class ticket. I think it expires on July 4th. Financial law enforcement…great incentive.
Took a bit of a gamble going to Led Primary this morning while still in recovery from this bulging disc. Had to hold back in all the forward bends and not even attempt some of the risky poses (the Marichys, Bhuja and Kurmasana). It took a lot of inner conviction to hold back while facing and tempering my desire to excel. I was also able to catch an occasional small minded thought like “jeez, the people on either side of me might be thinking I’m a beginner, or a WIMP because I can’t do these poses”. Yuk.
This thought was fleeting though – it was good practice to recognise these small minded thoughts as they arose and then consciously return to a practice of inner integrity, happily modifying the poses to prevent further damage. The path to enlightenment is all about purifying the mind and eliminating all negative and impure thoughts that perpetuate and feed our illusion of a separate self. I've noticed lately that conceited small minded thoughts are becoming less and less as my mind becomes more and more illuminated, but there's still a lot of inner work to do before they're completely eradicated.
The Led Primary this morning had a couple of wildcards thrown in. Simi’s taken to breaking up the Surja Namaskars lately, holding some of the positions for 5 breaths and inserting a lunge into Surja A with the back knee on the ground; from there you move the hips back which takes you to a sort of Parsvottanasana with hands on the floor. She also did the research sequence before Kurmasana with some seated hip opening moves and legs-behind-the-head, emphasising that the shin should be parallel to the floor when behind the head or else it will push the head forward and make you grumpy! Needless to say I couldn’t even attempt the sequence in my current disabled state, so I just sat with spine erect and held my shin up parallel to the floor across the front of my chest.
Injuries, interruptions and set backs will always occur in the physical practices. You wanna jump around for 2 hours every morning, you have to accept that the chances of injury are much higher than the average person's (more on a par with top athletes). The real heart of yoga practice is not asana, pranayama, kundalini awakening or even meditative absorbtions; it’s to accept and open up to whatever IS with a joyful and pure heart.
Overall it was reassuring to finally do a relatively full practice despite modifying about half of it. I’m so glad I took the gamble.
Getting back in the groove…slowly…
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday 14th June 2005
Bushwalking my favourite uphill track two days in a row lifted my spirits and general attitude to life. The fresh, pure air seems to blow away stagnant energy and stagnant thoughts. It moves and motivates me when I feel inert.
So with increased vitality, I had a fairly strong practice today. Well, as strong as it could be while rehabilitating.
I did all 10 Surja Namaskars, still stepping rather than jumping just to be on the safe side. Great set of strong standing poses followed by three failed attempts at balancing in handstand (it’s been a while) then I got curious and gave the forward bends a go. Haven’t been able to do them for over 2 weeks now with this bulging lumbar disc.
Paschimottanasana was touch and go – I was trying to stay fairly upright working more internally with the bandhas to protect my lower back but after a few breaths it was feeling a bit strained. A long hold in Purvottanasana was pure relief– I love/hate this pose but when I get mulabandha happening in it, the energy travels up the front of my spine like a current going through a fine wire.
Ardha Baddha Paschimottanasana and Triang were similar to Paschimottanasana in that I had to stay upright and keep my lumbar almost in a backbend. I went straight to Marichy A, completely forgetting to do the Janu Sirsasana trio– the forward bend in Marichy A puts a lot more stress on the spine than the preceding poses which was the discovery of the day. The subtle differences and effects of the forward bends on the lumbar area are much clearer to me now. Nothing like the sensitivity of an injured area to give you an experiential understanding of how a pose effects your anatomy and physiology. Great lessons are learned from injuries.
I did an upright Baddha Konasana then Upavista Konasana, one of my favourites and I followed the urge to move fully into this pose, legs spread and bending forward. It was surprisingly OK. Really strong leg action (and bandhas of course) is the key to this pose as the legs need to provide a firm support so the pelvis can release and rotate forward, protecting the lower spine.
Backbend prep Setu Bandha Sarvangasana, a few good Urdhva Dhs then the full finishing sequence minus Karna Pindasana and Pindasana which both curve the lumbar too much at the moment.
Lately, since I’ve had to cut out the forward bends and shorten the practice, I’ve been doing some meditation afterwards, and I’ve noticed that Sirsasana has quite a stimulating effect on the brain. Meditation illuminates and magnifies what’s going on in the inner world and watching this inner activity, my brain’s felt like it’s been electrocuted by Sirsasana.
I now remember realising this very same thing when I was on a Vipassana retreat quite a while ago: I got the stupid idea of doing Sirsasana in the late afternoon tea break and trying to increase the time by a minute every day. I remember getting up to about 13 minutes or so, coming out of the Headstand and just freaking out from the head implosion that lasted for hours. Meditation was shot for the rest of the night.
Iyengar sequencing usually inserts Sirsasana in the middle of a practice, after the standing poses. It’s a kind of prelude to the floor work. I don’t like generally like to alter the Ashtanga sequence, but on days when I want to sit after asana, it may be better to leave out Sirsasana. There’s not much point trying to sit when you brain’s fried and your mind’s zapping itself into starry spasms.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Sunday 12th June 2005
Blogging and Svadhyaya
Failed miserably in my attempt to add a comments bar to my blog posts.
But no matter, the email address is there.
I've received a grand total of three emails since starting this blog 18 months ago, so I'm really curious to know if anyone actually reads it.
Not that it makes any difference. I think I have two main reasons for writing:
The first is to record my experiences so that I can look back on what I've been through and where I've come from so the purpose and direction of travelling can be seen more clearly.
The second and more important one for me is svadhyaya: self study and self reflection on issues that come up in the practice and the journey.
Writing really clarifies and crystallises all my fuzzy thinking, and in the trappings of a busy life, it helps to keep a higher level of consciousness at the forefront of my thoughts and activities.
"Svadhyaya brings inner communion: From self-study and reflection on sacred words, one attains contact, communion, or concert with that underlying natural reality or force towards which one is predisposed."
With each of the Yamas and Niyamas, cultivating opposites of our negative habits or conditionings brings positive fruits (Yoga Sutras 2.33, 2.34).
In the case of the self-study of svadhyaya, one might have the inclination away from inner reflection and study of teachings, so as to focus on attaining what one wants in the worldly sense. In cultivating the opposite, or reminding oneself that such behaviors, words, or thinking will only bring personal misery and suffering, the ensuing letting go process allows a natural contact, communion with the higher reality or force towards which one is drawn.
I'm writing and contemplating a lot more lately, and really enjoying both the process and benefits, but most of my rambling doesn't get posted here because editing it all can be quite time consuming.
Teaching Yoga
Again the choice of whether to return to teaching yoga or not is looming ominously as a major life decision (feeling of déjà vu happening here).
I’ve been 50/50 about this one since I got back from retreat. Sometimes I’ve been 30/70 one way (usually to the negative). I haven’t once felt 100 percent sure that I want to reorganise my life to accommodate the demands of teaching yoga again.
The “I”, or small self-absorbed ego-self, is doing a lot of the thinking and talking about the dilemma, and this “I” is my Little Mind, full of fears, doubts and desires. But it seems that the compelling push to teach again is coming from Big Mind: the Divine urge to realise my highest potential and express it in my life.
Little Mind is putting up a lot of resistance to the prospect of teaching yoga again and finding all the arguments it possibly can to avoid giving up the easy life. Little Mind sees what it will lose (leisure time, freedom, safety etc...).
Big Mind sees what is to gain (greater purpose, connectedness, personal growth, the opportunity to love and help others, benefit humankind etc…).
For my own sanity I’m going to list all the practical pros and cons, and all the emotional reasons for and against (many of them unreasonable) in an attempt to get some kind of balanced perspective and clarity on the issue.
But not tonight.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Bushwalking my favourite uphill track two days in a row lifted my spirits and general attitude to life. The fresh, pure air seems to blow away stagnant energy and stagnant thoughts. It moves and motivates me when I feel inert.
So with increased vitality, I had a fairly strong practice today. Well, as strong as it could be while rehabilitating.
I did all 10 Surja Namaskars, still stepping rather than jumping just to be on the safe side. Great set of strong standing poses followed by three failed attempts at balancing in handstand (it’s been a while) then I got curious and gave the forward bends a go. Haven’t been able to do them for over 2 weeks now with this bulging lumbar disc.
Paschimottanasana was touch and go – I was trying to stay fairly upright working more internally with the bandhas to protect my lower back but after a few breaths it was feeling a bit strained. A long hold in Purvottanasana was pure relief– I love/hate this pose but when I get mulabandha happening in it, the energy travels up the front of my spine like a current going through a fine wire.
Ardha Baddha Paschimottanasana and Triang were similar to Paschimottanasana in that I had to stay upright and keep my lumbar almost in a backbend. I went straight to Marichy A, completely forgetting to do the Janu Sirsasana trio– the forward bend in Marichy A puts a lot more stress on the spine than the preceding poses which was the discovery of the day. The subtle differences and effects of the forward bends on the lumbar area are much clearer to me now. Nothing like the sensitivity of an injured area to give you an experiential understanding of how a pose effects your anatomy and physiology. Great lessons are learned from injuries.
I did an upright Baddha Konasana then Upavista Konasana, one of my favourites and I followed the urge to move fully into this pose, legs spread and bending forward. It was surprisingly OK. Really strong leg action (and bandhas of course) is the key to this pose as the legs need to provide a firm support so the pelvis can release and rotate forward, protecting the lower spine.
Backbend prep Setu Bandha Sarvangasana, a few good Urdhva Dhs then the full finishing sequence minus Karna Pindasana and Pindasana which both curve the lumbar too much at the moment.
Lately, since I’ve had to cut out the forward bends and shorten the practice, I’ve been doing some meditation afterwards, and I’ve noticed that Sirsasana has quite a stimulating effect on the brain. Meditation illuminates and magnifies what’s going on in the inner world and watching this inner activity, my brain’s felt like it’s been electrocuted by Sirsasana.
I now remember realising this very same thing when I was on a Vipassana retreat quite a while ago: I got the stupid idea of doing Sirsasana in the late afternoon tea break and trying to increase the time by a minute every day. I remember getting up to about 13 minutes or so, coming out of the Headstand and just freaking out from the head implosion that lasted for hours. Meditation was shot for the rest of the night.
Iyengar sequencing usually inserts Sirsasana in the middle of a practice, after the standing poses. It’s a kind of prelude to the floor work. I don’t like generally like to alter the Ashtanga sequence, but on days when I want to sit after asana, it may be better to leave out Sirsasana. There’s not much point trying to sit when you brain’s fried and your mind’s zapping itself into starry spasms.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Sunday 12th June 2005
Blogging and Svadhyaya
Failed miserably in my attempt to add a comments bar to my blog posts.
But no matter, the email address is there.
I've received a grand total of three emails since starting this blog 18 months ago, so I'm really curious to know if anyone actually reads it.
Not that it makes any difference. I think I have two main reasons for writing:
The first is to record my experiences so that I can look back on what I've been through and where I've come from so the purpose and direction of travelling can be seen more clearly.
The second and more important one for me is svadhyaya: self study and self reflection on issues that come up in the practice and the journey.
Writing really clarifies and crystallises all my fuzzy thinking, and in the trappings of a busy life, it helps to keep a higher level of consciousness at the forefront of my thoughts and activities.
"Svadhyaya brings inner communion: From self-study and reflection on sacred words, one attains contact, communion, or concert with that underlying natural reality or force towards which one is predisposed."
With each of the Yamas and Niyamas, cultivating opposites of our negative habits or conditionings brings positive fruits (Yoga Sutras 2.33, 2.34).
In the case of the self-study of svadhyaya, one might have the inclination away from inner reflection and study of teachings, so as to focus on attaining what one wants in the worldly sense. In cultivating the opposite, or reminding oneself that such behaviors, words, or thinking will only bring personal misery and suffering, the ensuing letting go process allows a natural contact, communion with the higher reality or force towards which one is drawn.
I'm writing and contemplating a lot more lately, and really enjoying both the process and benefits, but most of my rambling doesn't get posted here because editing it all can be quite time consuming.
Teaching Yoga
Again the choice of whether to return to teaching yoga or not is looming ominously as a major life decision (feeling of déjà vu happening here).
I’ve been 50/50 about this one since I got back from retreat. Sometimes I’ve been 30/70 one way (usually to the negative). I haven’t once felt 100 percent sure that I want to reorganise my life to accommodate the demands of teaching yoga again.
The “I”, or small self-absorbed ego-self, is doing a lot of the thinking and talking about the dilemma, and this “I” is my Little Mind, full of fears, doubts and desires. But it seems that the compelling push to teach again is coming from Big Mind: the Divine urge to realise my highest potential and express it in my life.
Little Mind is putting up a lot of resistance to the prospect of teaching yoga again and finding all the arguments it possibly can to avoid giving up the easy life. Little Mind sees what it will lose (leisure time, freedom, safety etc...).
Big Mind sees what is to gain (greater purpose, connectedness, personal growth, the opportunity to love and help others, benefit humankind etc…).
For my own sanity I’m going to list all the practical pros and cons, and all the emotional reasons for and against (many of them unreasonable) in an attempt to get some kind of balanced perspective and clarity on the issue.
But not tonight.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Friday 10th June 2005
Testing, testing...
I stayed back after work for a bit to play around with the formatting of my weblog: added a couple of my favourite blogs to the links section (successfully too!) and tried to add a comments tag, but until I publish this post, I won't know if it's worked - editing a template is a bizarre exercise in gobbledegook way beyond my comprehension.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Testing, testing...
I stayed back after work for a bit to play around with the formatting of my weblog: added a couple of my favourite blogs to the links section (successfully too!) and tried to add a comments tag, but until I publish this post, I won't know if it's worked - editing a template is a bizarre exercise in gobbledegook way beyond my comprehension.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Thursday 9th June 2005
No trouble getting up this morning. I actually woke at 5am bright eyed and happy, 10 minutes before the alarm was due to go off, and got to the shala at 5.40am to start practice with the other early birds. There’s usually 4 to 6 of them there by this time – the apprentice teachers, the hard core yogis, and a couple of people that have to start early so they can leave early for work.
Me, I’m none of those, I just like being an early bird so I don’t have to rush through my practice.
I spoke to Simi about my back, having deduced now that it’s a herniated lumbar disc. She gave me some floor exercises to do every day – all based on Bhujangasana. The first one is pretty much a classic Bhujangasana keeping the elbows bent.
The second one is similar but you rise up into the backbend (inhaling) leading firstly with the eyes and head; at the top of the movement, you turn the eyes and head fully to the side then exhale and lower, leading again with the eyes to bring the forehead back to the central starting point on the floor.
The third exercise starts laying face down on the floor again with, let’s say the left arm positioned forward of the head but not fully extended and the right arm bent with the hand on the floor next to the right chest. As you inhale and rise into the backbend you roll the hips a little so the left hip stays on the floor but the right hip is raised off the floor and simultaneously you bend up the right leg a little turning the head to the right to look at the right foot, then exhale and slide everything back to the starting position. Repeat a few times to the right first then to the left.
Simi insisted on no forward bends and no twists (which pretty well cuts out half of the Ashtanga practice) but suggested concentrating on standing poses and gentle backbending movements.
She had me doing modified Surja Namaskars; all Upward Dogs were on the metatarsals (flexed feet rather than the rolled over pointed toe position) with front thighs high off the floor.
In Surja Namaskar B when rising to the Virabhadrasana position, I had to keep my back knee on the floor (again back foot flexed) and hold the lunge position for 5 breaths. The extra backbend time encourages the bulging disc to move forward and back into place.
Modified Padangustasana was nice holding the toes and looking upward, maintaining a backbend in the lumbar region instead of a full forward bend. Any version of this pose would probably be counterindicated if I didn’t have flexible hamstrings as the pelvis wouldn’t be able to tilt forward. But for me it just felt great to get a good stretch in the hamstrings and entire spine at the same time.
I held most of the standing poses for 8 breaths, but found Parivritta Trikonasana pretty uncomfortable. It put a bit too much pressure on the lumbar so I modified it a bit and didn’t stay there as long. Hanumanasana was great – strong and challenging - so I spent a while enjoying it. I got my groin fully to the floor even though I hadn’t intended to. It’s funny how that happens – when you let go of all desire to ‘get’ a pose, or to get further, or to do it better and instead you just immerse yourself in the process, rest in the feelings and sensations that are arising with each moment and be fully open to what is happening. It becomes a pure experience where there’s no trace of desire– quite liberating.
This injury is helping me to be more fully present in each moment of my practice and it’s so delicious that I can’t wait to practice again, to be in that beautiful clear space where my mind contains no thoughts and is just spaciously and fully present.
After the standing poses, on Simi’s advice, I went straight to Setu Bandha Sarvangasana (although I might insert Purvottanasana here next time), then she suggested a short sequence which for me was a bit tame. Mat against the wall, laying on my stomach, head touching the wall and forehead to the floor, arms forward with forearms up the wall and palms flat, upper arms are on the floor, hold this for 5 breaths, then bring the palms together (little fingers touching the wall) and hold 5 breaths again, then draw the palms back behind the head for 5 breaths. I didn’t feel much anywhere from this sequence so I followed it with a few repetitions of Shalabhasana before going on to the finishing poses.
Again I couldn’t do Karna Pidasana – there’s just too much rounding of the lumbar spine which is dangerous for a bulging disc and the body immediately tells you so. I also had some trouble this morning getting my legs into Urdhva Padmasana from Sarvangasana - I hadn’t done any Padmasana poses for the entire session so it wasn’t surprising that it was a bit rough going, but I got there in the end. I think it was here that I realised I’d forgotten to do Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana and Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana in the standing poses.
My back started to stress a bit in Urdhva Padmasana so I rolled straight down and did Matsyasana – aaaaahhh sweet relief – the backbending moves are definitely the right medicine for bulging discs. Passed over Uttana Padasana…I probably could have done it I didn’t – just getting a bit lazy by that time. I layed down on my mat for a moment after Matsyasana and Simi called out “No Chakrasana” from the other end of the room! (not that I was even going to attempt it this morning anyway)
Sirsasana (Headstand) for 25 breaths. I wasn’t actually counting but it was a good stay whatever the number of breaths. After that I just sat in Padmasana without bending forward. All forward bends push the bulge in the disc further towards the back and my body knows instinctively this is a no-no.
Fell in love with my practice this morning – I really did. There’s a growing intimacy and inner connection happening, but also a humbleness. Injury has a way of softening the ego because you’re out of the race, you don’t have to try anymore – just leisurely enjoy the ride and the scenery.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday 7th June 2005
Small mind trying to recount when Big Mind infiltrated small practice
Something big began to move this morning. An attitude shift. I practised alone in the Gallery, thankful for the solitude and the opportunity to be fully with my self. This in itself is a revolution because for so long I’ve struggled to find the motivation to practice alone. In the past when no-one has turned up to practice with me I’ve either done a superficial short practice or none at all.
But lately, perhaps because of my back injury, I’ve found great solace and depth in my practice, and an intimacy that is plugging my practice firmly into my soul.
I’ve abandoned all notion of what I should or shouldn’t do and have allowed the innate intelligence of my body and mind to freely direct my practice.
I started this morning as usual with five Surja Namaskar As, but these were of a very different kind. The breath and movement were slowed down to macro time, up to 8 seconds for an inhalation or exhalation, the slow motion connecting each millimetre of movement with the breath. There was a naturally long rechaka/kumbhaka pause separating the breaths which sort of suspended me in a quiet void between each movement of the Surja Namaskar. The process was intensely rich and absorbing.
In my regular Surjas I often wobble to one side when rising from Uttanasana to Urdhva Vrikasana (Urdhva Hastasana), rising slightly off balance (occasionally really off balance). Moving so slowly and mindully this morning there was no room for error. My feet and legs were strong, solid and even, my breath pulled the earth energy up my central spine so precisely that left and right body were perfectly balanced on either side of it. I rose in perfect, slow motion symmetry like a flower opening up to the sun.
These moments of great awareness may seem small but their power leaves an imprint on the soul’s memory that changes us forever. I find this happens in meditation too. Each time I am able to enter a deep state of peace and connectedness in meditation, the imprint stays. No turning back.
After the Surja Namaskars I held some extended standing poses, exploring them from the inside out with a similar depth of awareness and utilising mula bandha as the power source.
Good old standing poses – they build strength, nobility and inner integrity.
A few quiet twists including Ardha Matsyendrasana helped me loosen and de-stress the tight, protective muscles around my lower back, then I layed down on my mat and had a little think about Urdhva Dhanurasana, should I or shouldn’t I….could I?
Prepared for it with Setu Bandha Sarvangasana. This simple, primary backbend challenges my legs more than my lower back so I used it more to get strong legs happening, staying as long as they’d hold me up. Tentatively pushed up into Urdhva Dh, but it wasn’t great and felt pretty threatening on my tender back so I tilted my pelvis to straighten out the lower back curve a bit and concentrated more on my shoulders and arms than trying to deepen my backbend. Used a strap around my elbows for the second one to help supoprt my arms while I tried to rotate my twisted right shoulder correctly. I’ve avoided working into this shoulder for a long time, preferring to focus more on deepening my impressive backbend. Yep...another weakness to face up to here.
Although my back is restricting my mobility in practice I’ve realised that I can narrow down my focus and zero in on specific areas more intently with greater awareness. If I could get myself together, I could use this period of back injury to build up more leg strength and grounding in the standing poses and work more specifically on correcting and opening my uneven shoulders. But more importantly it’s an opportunity to help me refocus my intent for practicing yoga to a more spiritual orientation.
All up, my non-Ashtanga asana practice lasted about one hour this morning and my grateful back was softer and almost mobile afterwards. I finished up sitting in meditation for 20 minutes then opened my eyes and must have moved my pelvis about one millimetre. FU**! SHOCK WAVE of intense pain gripped my entire lower back and hips and shot up to the centre of my brain. I nearly passed out.
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No trouble getting up this morning. I actually woke at 5am bright eyed and happy, 10 minutes before the alarm was due to go off, and got to the shala at 5.40am to start practice with the other early birds. There’s usually 4 to 6 of them there by this time – the apprentice teachers, the hard core yogis, and a couple of people that have to start early so they can leave early for work.
Me, I’m none of those, I just like being an early bird so I don’t have to rush through my practice.
I spoke to Simi about my back, having deduced now that it’s a herniated lumbar disc. She gave me some floor exercises to do every day – all based on Bhujangasana. The first one is pretty much a classic Bhujangasana keeping the elbows bent.
The second one is similar but you rise up into the backbend (inhaling) leading firstly with the eyes and head; at the top of the movement, you turn the eyes and head fully to the side then exhale and lower, leading again with the eyes to bring the forehead back to the central starting point on the floor.
The third exercise starts laying face down on the floor again with, let’s say the left arm positioned forward of the head but not fully extended and the right arm bent with the hand on the floor next to the right chest. As you inhale and rise into the backbend you roll the hips a little so the left hip stays on the floor but the right hip is raised off the floor and simultaneously you bend up the right leg a little turning the head to the right to look at the right foot, then exhale and slide everything back to the starting position. Repeat a few times to the right first then to the left.
Simi insisted on no forward bends and no twists (which pretty well cuts out half of the Ashtanga practice) but suggested concentrating on standing poses and gentle backbending movements.
She had me doing modified Surja Namaskars; all Upward Dogs were on the metatarsals (flexed feet rather than the rolled over pointed toe position) with front thighs high off the floor.
In Surja Namaskar B when rising to the Virabhadrasana position, I had to keep my back knee on the floor (again back foot flexed) and hold the lunge position for 5 breaths. The extra backbend time encourages the bulging disc to move forward and back into place.
Modified Padangustasana was nice holding the toes and looking upward, maintaining a backbend in the lumbar region instead of a full forward bend. Any version of this pose would probably be counterindicated if I didn’t have flexible hamstrings as the pelvis wouldn’t be able to tilt forward. But for me it just felt great to get a good stretch in the hamstrings and entire spine at the same time.
I held most of the standing poses for 8 breaths, but found Parivritta Trikonasana pretty uncomfortable. It put a bit too much pressure on the lumbar so I modified it a bit and didn’t stay there as long. Hanumanasana was great – strong and challenging - so I spent a while enjoying it. I got my groin fully to the floor even though I hadn’t intended to. It’s funny how that happens – when you let go of all desire to ‘get’ a pose, or to get further, or to do it better and instead you just immerse yourself in the process, rest in the feelings and sensations that are arising with each moment and be fully open to what is happening. It becomes a pure experience where there’s no trace of desire– quite liberating.
This injury is helping me to be more fully present in each moment of my practice and it’s so delicious that I can’t wait to practice again, to be in that beautiful clear space where my mind contains no thoughts and is just spaciously and fully present.
After the standing poses, on Simi’s advice, I went straight to Setu Bandha Sarvangasana (although I might insert Purvottanasana here next time), then she suggested a short sequence which for me was a bit tame. Mat against the wall, laying on my stomach, head touching the wall and forehead to the floor, arms forward with forearms up the wall and palms flat, upper arms are on the floor, hold this for 5 breaths, then bring the palms together (little fingers touching the wall) and hold 5 breaths again, then draw the palms back behind the head for 5 breaths. I didn’t feel much anywhere from this sequence so I followed it with a few repetitions of Shalabhasana before going on to the finishing poses.
Again I couldn’t do Karna Pidasana – there’s just too much rounding of the lumbar spine which is dangerous for a bulging disc and the body immediately tells you so. I also had some trouble this morning getting my legs into Urdhva Padmasana from Sarvangasana - I hadn’t done any Padmasana poses for the entire session so it wasn’t surprising that it was a bit rough going, but I got there in the end. I think it was here that I realised I’d forgotten to do Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana and Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana in the standing poses.
My back started to stress a bit in Urdhva Padmasana so I rolled straight down and did Matsyasana – aaaaahhh sweet relief – the backbending moves are definitely the right medicine for bulging discs. Passed over Uttana Padasana…I probably could have done it I didn’t – just getting a bit lazy by that time. I layed down on my mat for a moment after Matsyasana and Simi called out “No Chakrasana” from the other end of the room! (not that I was even going to attempt it this morning anyway)
Sirsasana (Headstand) for 25 breaths. I wasn’t actually counting but it was a good stay whatever the number of breaths. After that I just sat in Padmasana without bending forward. All forward bends push the bulge in the disc further towards the back and my body knows instinctively this is a no-no.
Fell in love with my practice this morning – I really did. There’s a growing intimacy and inner connection happening, but also a humbleness. Injury has a way of softening the ego because you’re out of the race, you don’t have to try anymore – just leisurely enjoy the ride and the scenery.
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Tuesday 7th June 2005
Small mind trying to recount when Big Mind infiltrated small practice
Something big began to move this morning. An attitude shift. I practised alone in the Gallery, thankful for the solitude and the opportunity to be fully with my self. This in itself is a revolution because for so long I’ve struggled to find the motivation to practice alone. In the past when no-one has turned up to practice with me I’ve either done a superficial short practice or none at all.
But lately, perhaps because of my back injury, I’ve found great solace and depth in my practice, and an intimacy that is plugging my practice firmly into my soul.
I’ve abandoned all notion of what I should or shouldn’t do and have allowed the innate intelligence of my body and mind to freely direct my practice.
I started this morning as usual with five Surja Namaskar As, but these were of a very different kind. The breath and movement were slowed down to macro time, up to 8 seconds for an inhalation or exhalation, the slow motion connecting each millimetre of movement with the breath. There was a naturally long rechaka/kumbhaka pause separating the breaths which sort of suspended me in a quiet void between each movement of the Surja Namaskar. The process was intensely rich and absorbing.
In my regular Surjas I often wobble to one side when rising from Uttanasana to Urdhva Vrikasana (Urdhva Hastasana), rising slightly off balance (occasionally really off balance). Moving so slowly and mindully this morning there was no room for error. My feet and legs were strong, solid and even, my breath pulled the earth energy up my central spine so precisely that left and right body were perfectly balanced on either side of it. I rose in perfect, slow motion symmetry like a flower opening up to the sun.
These moments of great awareness may seem small but their power leaves an imprint on the soul’s memory that changes us forever. I find this happens in meditation too. Each time I am able to enter a deep state of peace and connectedness in meditation, the imprint stays. No turning back.
After the Surja Namaskars I held some extended standing poses, exploring them from the inside out with a similar depth of awareness and utilising mula bandha as the power source.
Good old standing poses – they build strength, nobility and inner integrity.
A few quiet twists including Ardha Matsyendrasana helped me loosen and de-stress the tight, protective muscles around my lower back, then I layed down on my mat and had a little think about Urdhva Dhanurasana, should I or shouldn’t I….could I?
Prepared for it with Setu Bandha Sarvangasana. This simple, primary backbend challenges my legs more than my lower back so I used it more to get strong legs happening, staying as long as they’d hold me up. Tentatively pushed up into Urdhva Dh, but it wasn’t great and felt pretty threatening on my tender back so I tilted my pelvis to straighten out the lower back curve a bit and concentrated more on my shoulders and arms than trying to deepen my backbend. Used a strap around my elbows for the second one to help supoprt my arms while I tried to rotate my twisted right shoulder correctly. I’ve avoided working into this shoulder for a long time, preferring to focus more on deepening my impressive backbend. Yep...another weakness to face up to here.
Although my back is restricting my mobility in practice I’ve realised that I can narrow down my focus and zero in on specific areas more intently with greater awareness. If I could get myself together, I could use this period of back injury to build up more leg strength and grounding in the standing poses and work more specifically on correcting and opening my uneven shoulders. But more importantly it’s an opportunity to help me refocus my intent for practicing yoga to a more spiritual orientation.
All up, my non-Ashtanga asana practice lasted about one hour this morning and my grateful back was softer and almost mobile afterwards. I finished up sitting in meditation for 20 minutes then opened my eyes and must have moved my pelvis about one millimetre. FU**! SHOCK WAVE of intense pain gripped my entire lower back and hips and shot up to the centre of my brain. I nearly passed out.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Friday 3rd June 2005
Led Primary was quite speedy this morning but fun – about 15 people in the class, not too full for a change. The sum total of everyone’s energy was uplifting at first, but as the class progressed and people tired, sloppy crept in and vinyasas became disconnected from Simi’s count. I’m glad I got there early as it meant I could be near the front, close to Simi. She did the full practice herself, staying on her mat, counting and calling the sequence quite simply without any instruction in the poses. I prefer this way of leading – it allows me to feel what’s happening in my body and mind. I can listen to my own breath. Too much instruction distracts me from the pratyahara of my practice which is probably why I prefer Mysore style now to led classes.
Even so, I did keep half an eye on Simi so I could follow some of her transitions in and out of poses. Just little things I picked up from her, like jumping through from Dog Pose and actually landing in the Janu Sirsasana position instead of jumping through to a Dandasana position (both legs extended) then folding in one leg; and Paschimottanasana D, raising arms above the head first to grab hold of one wrist before bending forward and reaching the hands past the feet. And Simi exited out of all the half Padmasana seated poses (Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana, Marichy B and D) by folding the second leg into full Padmasana then leaning forward onto her hands, lifting the Padmasana legs up and unfolding them springing to Chaturanga. Although I’ve mastered this transition, I’ve only been doing it after the Garbha Pindasana rolls.
My lower back is still in a state of seizure and – horror of horrors – I’m actually considering painkillers for it today. It’s now clear to me that its origin is from the spine and not the hip joints. Curving into Upward Dog got so painful as the practice progressed that I gasped a few time in shock. I did the first Urdhva Dhanurasana with a greater distance than usual between my hands and feet but could barely push up due to my lower back refusing to bend. I persisted patiently and gently. By the third one I’d worked my mortified body open a little and could walk my hands in two steps. No dropbacks – no way.
The thought of Chakrasana sent alarm bells through me so I stayed a couple of breaths in the Halasana position stretching my feet away from my head inch by inch while carefully curving over my lower back to help it release it’s vice-like grip. A good push off the hands and Chakrasana was done - I was safe.
But another shock as I tried to bend my knees from Halasana into Karna Pidasana. An instant wave of nausea from the pain in my back – and an alarming warning that something’s really, really wrong here.
This back pain/ache/injury has become psychologically draining as well as physically debilitating. It may be caused by or connected somehow to the block I’ve always come up against in Supta Kurmasana. I have this fantasy that the Ashtanga fairy appears while I’m holding my pathetic version of Supta Kurmasana, she touches my spine with her magic, luminous wand and – Hallellujah - my ankles slide behind my head and all emotional blockages in my lower back suddenly disappear. I’m free, healed forever and live happily ever after.
Long sigh................................................
And now,
back to the present,
real life,
incapacitation
and pain killers.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Led Primary was quite speedy this morning but fun – about 15 people in the class, not too full for a change. The sum total of everyone’s energy was uplifting at first, but as the class progressed and people tired, sloppy crept in and vinyasas became disconnected from Simi’s count. I’m glad I got there early as it meant I could be near the front, close to Simi. She did the full practice herself, staying on her mat, counting and calling the sequence quite simply without any instruction in the poses. I prefer this way of leading – it allows me to feel what’s happening in my body and mind. I can listen to my own breath. Too much instruction distracts me from the pratyahara of my practice which is probably why I prefer Mysore style now to led classes.
Even so, I did keep half an eye on Simi so I could follow some of her transitions in and out of poses. Just little things I picked up from her, like jumping through from Dog Pose and actually landing in the Janu Sirsasana position instead of jumping through to a Dandasana position (both legs extended) then folding in one leg; and Paschimottanasana D, raising arms above the head first to grab hold of one wrist before bending forward and reaching the hands past the feet. And Simi exited out of all the half Padmasana seated poses (Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana, Marichy B and D) by folding the second leg into full Padmasana then leaning forward onto her hands, lifting the Padmasana legs up and unfolding them springing to Chaturanga. Although I’ve mastered this transition, I’ve only been doing it after the Garbha Pindasana rolls.
My lower back is still in a state of seizure and – horror of horrors – I’m actually considering painkillers for it today. It’s now clear to me that its origin is from the spine and not the hip joints. Curving into Upward Dog got so painful as the practice progressed that I gasped a few time in shock. I did the first Urdhva Dhanurasana with a greater distance than usual between my hands and feet but could barely push up due to my lower back refusing to bend. I persisted patiently and gently. By the third one I’d worked my mortified body open a little and could walk my hands in two steps. No dropbacks – no way.
The thought of Chakrasana sent alarm bells through me so I stayed a couple of breaths in the Halasana position stretching my feet away from my head inch by inch while carefully curving over my lower back to help it release it’s vice-like grip. A good push off the hands and Chakrasana was done - I was safe.
But another shock as I tried to bend my knees from Halasana into Karna Pidasana. An instant wave of nausea from the pain in my back – and an alarming warning that something’s really, really wrong here.
This back pain/ache/injury has become psychologically draining as well as physically debilitating. It may be caused by or connected somehow to the block I’ve always come up against in Supta Kurmasana. I have this fantasy that the Ashtanga fairy appears while I’m holding my pathetic version of Supta Kurmasana, she touches my spine with her magic, luminous wand and – Hallellujah - my ankles slide behind my head and all emotional blockages in my lower back suddenly disappear. I’m free, healed forever and live happily ever after.
Long sigh................................................
And now,
back to the present,
real life,
incapacitation
and pain killers.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Wednesday 1st June 2005
Woke up with an agonising ache in my lower back and hips this morning – practice hurt.
Every forward bend and every back bend stressed and weakened my spine further; I dreaded every one of those 50 (or thereabouts) Upward Dogs as each one got incrementally worse than the last. By the end of practice I was feeling nauseous from the crescendo of pain I’d stubbornly and stupidly endured.
Mid-afternoon and everyone was waiting so patiently for me to make a birthday wish and blow out the candle on my cake, but as nothing was coming to mind and the seconds were ticking over, I wished that my backache would just go away and then blew out the candle.
It’s late afternoon and it hasn’t gone away.
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Tuesday 24th May 2005
The Buddha clearly distinguished between Relative Truth and Absolute Truth. Oscillating between these two vastly different vistas is what I affectionately call Little Mind and Big Mind.
I think I might have to label my blog entries either Little Mind or Big Mind.
Warning: posting from Little Mind – self-absorbed, mundane, petty, blatantly ego-centric, traces of negativity and poor English.
Warning: posting from Big Mind – thinking and writing from a universal perspective as if I know it all which I don’t. Trying to find great meaning for this very small life.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Woke up with an agonising ache in my lower back and hips this morning – practice hurt.
Every forward bend and every back bend stressed and weakened my spine further; I dreaded every one of those 50 (or thereabouts) Upward Dogs as each one got incrementally worse than the last. By the end of practice I was feeling nauseous from the crescendo of pain I’d stubbornly and stupidly endured.
Mid-afternoon and everyone was waiting so patiently for me to make a birthday wish and blow out the candle on my cake, but as nothing was coming to mind and the seconds were ticking over, I wished that my backache would just go away and then blew out the candle.
It’s late afternoon and it hasn’t gone away.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday 24th May 2005
The Buddha clearly distinguished between Relative Truth and Absolute Truth. Oscillating between these two vastly different vistas is what I affectionately call Little Mind and Big Mind.
I think I might have to label my blog entries either Little Mind or Big Mind.
Warning: posting from Little Mind – self-absorbed, mundane, petty, blatantly ego-centric, traces of negativity and poor English.
Warning: posting from Big Mind – thinking and writing from a universal perspective as if I know it all which I don’t. Trying to find great meaning for this very small life.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
