Wednesday 17th January 2007
As I was walking out of the shala after practice on Monday I purposely told David I’d see him on Wednesday. My word binds me so if I say that to the teacher, I won’t abscond. One hour later, my period started – no practice for three days.
With no place to call home at the moment and a son in crisis, my outer life feels quite fluid and formless like I have no control over where it's going, so being consistent with my morning yoga practice gives me a comforting sense of continuity, solidity and purpose. Taking three days off practice is disconcerting and even a little annoying, but that feeling of annoyance shows me that I’m no longer contented with what IS.
Whatever happened to my peaceful mind, the mind that accepted whatever life presented with gratitude and grace?
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
As I was walking out of the shala after practice on Monday I purposely told David I’d see him on Wednesday. My word binds me so if I say that to the teacher, I won’t abscond. One hour later, my period started – no practice for three days.
With no place to call home at the moment and a son in crisis, my outer life feels quite fluid and formless like I have no control over where it's going, so being consistent with my morning yoga practice gives me a comforting sense of continuity, solidity and purpose. Taking three days off practice is disconcerting and even a little annoying, but that feeling of annoyance shows me that I’m no longer contented with what IS.
Whatever happened to my peaceful mind, the mind that accepted whatever life presented with gratitude and grace?
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Saturday 12th January 2007
Almost a week of yoga
The plan for last week was to do an Ashtanga practice 5 mornings in a row as well as Glenn Ceresoli’s five evening workshop sessions. A week of yoga.
Well I almost did it…I made it to 8 of the 10 sessions.
I skipped the Wednesday morning Mysore class at the shala because I’d stayed up late 2 nights in a row talking with my son and was chronically sleep deprived (and emotionally drained from some pretty heart wrenching talks). Then I made the mistake of dropping off some shopping to my son on the way to Glenn’s Thursday evening session and found him quite distressed so I stayed with him instead of going to Glenn’s class.
My son is definitely my yoga practice right now.
But still, I'm happy for getting to 8 x 2-hour yoga practices over 5 days - not a bad start to the new year.
Led Primary
After missing Glenn’s evening session on Thursday I was pretty determined to get to the led primary class at the shala on Friday morning. After all the long holds and slow, internal, semi-exploratory work of Glenn’s classes, I was really ready for a full and flowing vigorous Ashtanga practice, but the led primary class turned out to be a slow exploratory class, lots of talking and explaining with the focus on engaging and moving the inner thighs and pubic bone.
We started with Supta Baddha Konasana over a bolster then Upavista Konasana with the head to a bolster, some body awareness circular movement exercises, then Uttanasana and Dog Pose both with head to a block. I can’t remember what came next but eventually we got to do Surya Namaskar C and most of the standing poses, reinforcing the thigh/pubis focus of the day. The practice wound up with Paschimottanasana, Janu Sirsasana and Ardha Baddha Paschimottanasana (no vinyasas).
Friday led primary class normally starts at 5.30am with David reading or chatting to us for half an hour about some aspect of yoga/spiritual practice as it relates to our daily life, then we start the practice at 6am.
Today before practice he read an extract from one of Osho’s books, but being still half asleep at that point, I can hardly remember what it was about. The only thing that my mind grabbed onto was a reminder about how happiness is not dependant on outer circumstances.
Now this is lesson number one in every spiritual school. Really it’s kindergarten stuff. I’ve absorbed it, lived it and expressed it through the practice of detachment for so many years that you’d think there’d be no forgetting of such a basic principal. The experiential understanding that joy, contentment and inner peace spring from a softness within the heart changes the very fabric of your being, along with all the inner processes which create our thoughts, responses, decisions and actions.
But yesterday when I heard those few words reiterating this basic truth, I sat up and suddenly realised that lately I’d become so caught up in life’s dramas that I’d forgotten these very basics. Life has thrown up some pretty big challenges for me over this last year and dealing with them has taken a lot of mental and emotional energy. I can see now how completely distracted I was from maintaining my spiritual grounding on what should be the very foundation for dealing with all these challenges.
So thank you to David for reciting those few precious words this morning. Nature/God/The Universe gives us a little drop here, a little drop there, little reminders to move us in the right direction or get us back on track.
A few scribbled notes from Glenn’s workshop
(Evening sessions only)
These are just my notes and unfortunately they don't do any justice to the insightful teaching that Glenn is famous for. I couldn't possibly relate the vast amount of physical/psychological/spiritual information that he imparted while we held and worked in each pose.
Monday January 8
Supta Baddha Konasana laying back over a block to realign any imbalances in the pelvis.
Adho Mukha Virasana
Seated Cross legged forward bend – very, very, long holds
Dog Pose
Resting Uttanasana – feet apart
Half Handstand with feet to the wall
Full Handstand
Pincha Mayurasana with a block between the hands but hands flat to the floor with the palms facing up
Virasana with a twist to each side, back arm fully straightening while holding opposite foot
(when twisting to the left, draw right inner groin back and press left knee towards centre)
Dog Pose
Janu Sirsasana – In this pose Glenn got us to divide and dissect the front pelvic area above and below the groin crease: the area below the groin crease he called the leg groin, above the crease is the pelvic groin. We had to move each area independently.
Say for instance in Janu Sirsasana the left leg is straight and the right leg is bent. We start with the right leg groin (below the groin crease – the upper thigh area) and slide it up which effectively rolls the thigh externally and grounds the right sitting bone. Simultaneously we roll the right pelvic groin down towards the floor which brings the right hip forward. Then we slide the left pelvic groin up which for me, draws the right hip back and then lastly (and less importantly) roll the left leg groin (below the left groin crease) down which will internally rotate the extended leg.
After the initial confusion and mental effort to work out right from left, up from down etc, it was nice to feel the effect of these subtle actions, skin sliding up and down in opposition. If I’d approached this as just an exercise in physically moving different body parts (which most participants probably did), I’d have had a head on collision with my resistance to the Iyengar methodology – especially the moving skin instructions), so I carefully steered my intention to a positive focus and used the complex instructions as an exercise in staying focussed and maintaining a consistent engagement between mind and body, overriding the urge to rebel.
Tuesday January 9
Supta Baddha Konasana laying back over a block to realign any imbalances in the pelvis.
Adho Mukha Virasana
Seated Cross legged forward bend – very, very, long hold
Dog Pose
Resting Uttanasana – feet apart
Paryankasana over a block (legs in Virasana) This pose brought to light the gripping tension in my neck which wouldn’t release – directly related to the shoulder injury.
Chair backbend 1 with hands starting in prayer position at the chest and extending towards the centre of the room with elbows together, to see which armpit ‘flips’ out first then consciously working to keep it rotating in unison with the other.
Chair backbend 2 – laying over chair with sacrum at the front edge of the chair and the neck over the back edge of the chair, knees bent, reaching hands back to grab the back rung of the chair and pulling with the little fingers, elbows squeezing together. Inner groins and pubis dropping down. The chair acts as an even, straight support for the four corners of the back.
Seated Virasana with arms in Gomukasana
Baradvajasana seated on a block next to the wall. Elbows bent with hands pressing into the wall. Watch that the side ribs don’t bulge out on one side. When twisting to the right draw the inner left groin back and press into the right hand to ground the left buttock down.
Janu Sirsasana – same as yesterday.
Paschimottanasana – press balls of feet away to dig heels into floor then inward sense of stretching top of shins to heels. Observe response of pelvis when slowly flexing and pointing the feet and pressing into the balls of the feet.
Lift back of throat in towards back of neck/front of lungs move to the front of the body/keep abdomen and organs soft/extend triceps into elbows.
Savasana
Wednesday January 11
Supta Baddha Konasana laying back over a block to realign any imbalances in the pelvis.
Adho Mukha Virasana
Seated Cross legged forward bend – very, very, long hold
Dog Pose
Virasana with Parvatasana arms (interlock on top of head first with the palms facing up then extend wrists upward, little finger side down, thumb side up.
Virasana with Garudasana arms
Virasana with Gomukasana arms – keep the core body straight even though the outer pose is asymmetrical.
Same two backbends over a chair as yesterday.
Headstand – To go up with straight legs, set up hands, lay head in hands, walk knees as close to elbows as possible, straighten legs so that pelvis is over the head. Move lower tip of sternum strongly towards navel before lifting into pose. While in the pose, press biceps away from forearms so that the triceps extend into the elbows. When coming down with straight legs, don’t tip the pelvis excessively back – instead, keep the sternum sliding towards the navel.
Baradvajasana to the wall same as yesterday.
Janu Sirsasana same as yesterday.
Parivritta Janu Sirsasana – lower elbow is bent and pressing into inner knee to start with. Top arm extends straight up, palm forward at first then it turns towards the face. Extend lower arm straight along the floor sliding side torso down towards thigh. Reach top arm SLOWLY over to grab outer edge of the foot, bend elbow of lower arm to grab inner edge of foot. Spinal extension, shoulderblades down.
Setu Bandha with a block under the sacrum.
Savasana
Thursday January 11
Missed class today
Friday January 12
Supta Baddha Konasana laying back over a block to realign any imbalances in the pelvis.
Adho Mukha Virasana
Seated Cross legged forward bend – very, very, long holds
Dog Pose
Handstands to the wall – variation to look up at the feet so sternum moves towards navel
Pincha Mayurasana to the wall – variation to look up at the feet again so sternum moves towards navel. This pose was weak for me because of my shoulder.
Virabhadrasana 1. We did this facing the wall, bending the front knee towards the wall. The back leg was supported by a block placed on the floor just above the knee cap so it supported the lower thighbone making the pose a little easier to hold but ensuring we were in a very low lunge. The back foot was flexed with the heel off the floor. Inner heel to inner groin stretching, buttock crease of extended leg sliding outwards, tailbone slowly extending down until you feel it curling in, then draw pubis and front hips up. Hands stayed on hips. We then repeated the same pose facing the centre of the room (still using the block) with back heel up the wall and lifted up the arms.
Then what did we do? I can’t remember now. (I should have written up these notes sooner)
Oh yeah, at some point we did Urdhva Mukha Svanasana (Upward facing Dog Pose) – a very uncomfortable version where you lay a block diagonally to the wall which supports the pelvis.
We also did Headstand again and Upavista Konasana (forward bend) but I’m not sure when in the sequence.
Urdhva Dhanurasana, hands close to the wall, pressing chest to the wall. Take knee creases towards the neck.
Supta Padangusthasana with one foot to the wall. Second variation with head lifting to the knee “Kiss your knee, show how much you care”
I don’t remember everything we did (we laid back with a block under the thoracic spine on one day but I can’t remember when) and I certainly don’t remember most of Glenn’s instructions in the poses – they just passed through me at the time then were lost again. Some stuck, some floated away forever and some may magically reappear when I find myself in a particular pose.
My body doesn’t feel as if it did 8 full sessions of yoga last week. There are no sore muscles – that’s nice - probably because i didn't do Glenn's five morning sessions as well, but there’s also no real feeling of being extended beyond my limitations or of being changed in any way.
Next week I’ll try for 5 consecutive Ashtanga practices. It’s time to start challenging myself again, not just the physical body, but more importantly the mental habits, the discipline, the way I see myself and how I relate to the people I encounter, my entire approach to each day.
Sit still
Be happy.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Friday 5th January 2007
A new year.
At last.
Instead of a post about yoga or my spiritual aspirations and musings, here’s one about my real life last year. It turned out to be the second most challenging year of my entire life – second only to the year that I walked out on an abusive 13 year marriage back in 1994.
MY SON
I moved out from the home I shared with my 24 year old son at the start of 2006 and went to stay with my Mum for one year, a rather strange arrangement that my son and I came to so that he could live independently, build confidence, grow wings and go out into the world. It was quite a sacrifice on my part, but that’s what mum’s do, and at the time, he was desperately seeking a way to halt the psychological spiral downward brought on by long term unemployment, low self-esteem, sensitivity and trauma from the suicide of his three closest friends…. I wish I could say that some good has come out of the separation, but I’m not so sure. He seems to have slowly sunk further and further into a suicidal depression, and he’s hovering there, on the edge. I visit often, we talk; he has great depth, wisdom and insight and has taught me a lot more in the last year than my lifetime of spiritual practice. I wish I could teach him to be happy.
This year will be a critical one for both of us.
MY MUM
And living with my mum… well… that’s brought to light some issues that I never knew were lurking in my subconscious. Family members are often people we keep a safe distance from as we build up the middle years of our life. The close family dynamics of our early years give way to interacting on a surface level and it’s the people you live with that are there in your face, unwitting mirrors that reflect your ugly parts back to you. My sweet mum has no idea what she’s shown me about myself in the last year – not pleasant - I’ve had to face up to my well hidden shortcomings and be grateful to the wise universe for providing these circumstances to humble me.
“People with humility don’t think less of themselves, they just think of themselves less.”
MY PARTNER (EX)
In February 2006, I finally broke away from a 6 year relationship that hadn’t been working for quite a while. Neither of us could accept that it wasn’t working because we felt perfect for each other, soulmates, committed to the same ideals, doing the same inner work, growing together and sharing similar experiences. So chaos and confusion followed the break up as we searched for answers, swung to and fro, reconnecting then separating over and over. It dragged on for the entire year until something finally snapped in me - I woke up and resolutely decided ‘no more’ on New Year’s eve. The spell was broken. It was time for us both to really let go. The strangling grip on my heart has eased and at long last a little bit of space and peace has returned.
So 2006 will be go down in my personal history as the year when all my closest personal relationships broke down, painfully. Despite all my spiritual practice and knowledge (or maybe because of it) my shortcomings were not only highlighted but magnified.
I’m pretty grateful for it actually. I got toppled off my spiritual ivory tower and covered in mud that stuck to me. Humbled and broken…that was me late last year. Now I’ve got real work to do, picking up the pieces, cleaning up the mess, learning my lessons, and making some real changes.
To top off a rather memorable year, my Ashtanga practice died off at the end of October after a dramatic episode of food poisoning followed by an equally serious virus that put me in bed on and off for a month with fevers, chills, and the most severe joint aches I’ve ever experienced. (Makes you marvel at the interconnection between our health and our psyche). I think my strong immune system fired everything it had at the food poisoning and was left completely defenceless to fight off the virus. Luckily I recovered just in time to go off on the 10 day Vipassana retreat (my 5th one) in mid December - just what the doctor ordered.
So with one thing after another, my morning Ashtanga practice has been less than minimal over the last couple of months.
But now, it’s the new year.
At last.
MY YOGA PRACTICE
Next week I launch myself back into full yoga practice.
Great intentions yes, but will I follow through with great action? We’ll see…
I’ll be trying to re-establish a regular morning Ashtanga practice, alternating two self practices in the Gallery with three Mysore practices at the shala. And I’ve enrolled in Glenn Ceresoli’s workshop next week but only for the five evening sessions. (In past years I’ve done his 6-8am morning sessions as well as the 6-8pm evening sessions). Hopefully the evening sessions won’t be too vigorous – I’m expecting long forward bends, inversions and maybe some pranayama which should complement rather than impact on my morning practice.
I could have put off Ashtanga practice for another week and done Glenn’s five morning sessions next week instead, but I remembered the internal resistance that came up during Glenn’s workshop last year, resistance to the Iyengar style of long holds in poses, accompanying dialogue, precise instructions, listening, listening, applying, applying…information overload. I overcame the resistance at the time by taking in as much as I could then tuning out when it got too much, but what a relief when I finally returned to my own practice afterwards. The joy of returning home.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Almost a week of yoga
The plan for last week was to do an Ashtanga practice 5 mornings in a row as well as Glenn Ceresoli’s five evening workshop sessions. A week of yoga.
Well I almost did it…I made it to 8 of the 10 sessions.
I skipped the Wednesday morning Mysore class at the shala because I’d stayed up late 2 nights in a row talking with my son and was chronically sleep deprived (and emotionally drained from some pretty heart wrenching talks). Then I made the mistake of dropping off some shopping to my son on the way to Glenn’s Thursday evening session and found him quite distressed so I stayed with him instead of going to Glenn’s class.
My son is definitely my yoga practice right now.
But still, I'm happy for getting to 8 x 2-hour yoga practices over 5 days - not a bad start to the new year.
Led Primary
After missing Glenn’s evening session on Thursday I was pretty determined to get to the led primary class at the shala on Friday morning. After all the long holds and slow, internal, semi-exploratory work of Glenn’s classes, I was really ready for a full and flowing vigorous Ashtanga practice, but the led primary class turned out to be a slow exploratory class, lots of talking and explaining with the focus on engaging and moving the inner thighs and pubic bone.
We started with Supta Baddha Konasana over a bolster then Upavista Konasana with the head to a bolster, some body awareness circular movement exercises, then Uttanasana and Dog Pose both with head to a block. I can’t remember what came next but eventually we got to do Surya Namaskar C and most of the standing poses, reinforcing the thigh/pubis focus of the day. The practice wound up with Paschimottanasana, Janu Sirsasana and Ardha Baddha Paschimottanasana (no vinyasas).
Friday led primary class normally starts at 5.30am with David reading or chatting to us for half an hour about some aspect of yoga/spiritual practice as it relates to our daily life, then we start the practice at 6am.
Today before practice he read an extract from one of Osho’s books, but being still half asleep at that point, I can hardly remember what it was about. The only thing that my mind grabbed onto was a reminder about how happiness is not dependant on outer circumstances.
Now this is lesson number one in every spiritual school. Really it’s kindergarten stuff. I’ve absorbed it, lived it and expressed it through the practice of detachment for so many years that you’d think there’d be no forgetting of such a basic principal. The experiential understanding that joy, contentment and inner peace spring from a softness within the heart changes the very fabric of your being, along with all the inner processes which create our thoughts, responses, decisions and actions.
But yesterday when I heard those few words reiterating this basic truth, I sat up and suddenly realised that lately I’d become so caught up in life’s dramas that I’d forgotten these very basics. Life has thrown up some pretty big challenges for me over this last year and dealing with them has taken a lot of mental and emotional energy. I can see now how completely distracted I was from maintaining my spiritual grounding on what should be the very foundation for dealing with all these challenges.
So thank you to David for reciting those few precious words this morning. Nature/God/The Universe gives us a little drop here, a little drop there, little reminders to move us in the right direction or get us back on track.
A few scribbled notes from Glenn’s workshop
(Evening sessions only)
These are just my notes and unfortunately they don't do any justice to the insightful teaching that Glenn is famous for. I couldn't possibly relate the vast amount of physical/psychological/spiritual information that he imparted while we held and worked in each pose.
Monday January 8
Supta Baddha Konasana laying back over a block to realign any imbalances in the pelvis.
Adho Mukha Virasana
Seated Cross legged forward bend – very, very, long holds
Dog Pose
Resting Uttanasana – feet apart
Half Handstand with feet to the wall
Full Handstand
Pincha Mayurasana with a block between the hands but hands flat to the floor with the palms facing up
Virasana with a twist to each side, back arm fully straightening while holding opposite foot
(when twisting to the left, draw right inner groin back and press left knee towards centre)
Dog Pose
Janu Sirsasana – In this pose Glenn got us to divide and dissect the front pelvic area above and below the groin crease: the area below the groin crease he called the leg groin, above the crease is the pelvic groin. We had to move each area independently.
Say for instance in Janu Sirsasana the left leg is straight and the right leg is bent. We start with the right leg groin (below the groin crease – the upper thigh area) and slide it up which effectively rolls the thigh externally and grounds the right sitting bone. Simultaneously we roll the right pelvic groin down towards the floor which brings the right hip forward. Then we slide the left pelvic groin up which for me, draws the right hip back and then lastly (and less importantly) roll the left leg groin (below the left groin crease) down which will internally rotate the extended leg.
After the initial confusion and mental effort to work out right from left, up from down etc, it was nice to feel the effect of these subtle actions, skin sliding up and down in opposition. If I’d approached this as just an exercise in physically moving different body parts (which most participants probably did), I’d have had a head on collision with my resistance to the Iyengar methodology – especially the moving skin instructions), so I carefully steered my intention to a positive focus and used the complex instructions as an exercise in staying focussed and maintaining a consistent engagement between mind and body, overriding the urge to rebel.
Tuesday January 9
Supta Baddha Konasana laying back over a block to realign any imbalances in the pelvis.
Adho Mukha Virasana
Seated Cross legged forward bend – very, very, long hold
Dog Pose
Resting Uttanasana – feet apart
Paryankasana over a block (legs in Virasana) This pose brought to light the gripping tension in my neck which wouldn’t release – directly related to the shoulder injury.
Chair backbend 1 with hands starting in prayer position at the chest and extending towards the centre of the room with elbows together, to see which armpit ‘flips’ out first then consciously working to keep it rotating in unison with the other.
Chair backbend 2 – laying over chair with sacrum at the front edge of the chair and the neck over the back edge of the chair, knees bent, reaching hands back to grab the back rung of the chair and pulling with the little fingers, elbows squeezing together. Inner groins and pubis dropping down. The chair acts as an even, straight support for the four corners of the back.
Seated Virasana with arms in Gomukasana
Baradvajasana seated on a block next to the wall. Elbows bent with hands pressing into the wall. Watch that the side ribs don’t bulge out on one side. When twisting to the right draw the inner left groin back and press into the right hand to ground the left buttock down.
Janu Sirsasana – same as yesterday.
Paschimottanasana – press balls of feet away to dig heels into floor then inward sense of stretching top of shins to heels. Observe response of pelvis when slowly flexing and pointing the feet and pressing into the balls of the feet.
Lift back of throat in towards back of neck/front of lungs move to the front of the body/keep abdomen and organs soft/extend triceps into elbows.
Savasana
Wednesday January 11
Supta Baddha Konasana laying back over a block to realign any imbalances in the pelvis.
Adho Mukha Virasana
Seated Cross legged forward bend – very, very, long hold
Dog Pose
Virasana with Parvatasana arms (interlock on top of head first with the palms facing up then extend wrists upward, little finger side down, thumb side up.
Virasana with Garudasana arms
Virasana with Gomukasana arms – keep the core body straight even though the outer pose is asymmetrical.
Same two backbends over a chair as yesterday.
Headstand – To go up with straight legs, set up hands, lay head in hands, walk knees as close to elbows as possible, straighten legs so that pelvis is over the head. Move lower tip of sternum strongly towards navel before lifting into pose. While in the pose, press biceps away from forearms so that the triceps extend into the elbows. When coming down with straight legs, don’t tip the pelvis excessively back – instead, keep the sternum sliding towards the navel.
Baradvajasana to the wall same as yesterday.
Janu Sirsasana same as yesterday.
Parivritta Janu Sirsasana – lower elbow is bent and pressing into inner knee to start with. Top arm extends straight up, palm forward at first then it turns towards the face. Extend lower arm straight along the floor sliding side torso down towards thigh. Reach top arm SLOWLY over to grab outer edge of the foot, bend elbow of lower arm to grab inner edge of foot. Spinal extension, shoulderblades down.
Setu Bandha with a block under the sacrum.
Savasana
Thursday January 11
Missed class today
Friday January 12
Supta Baddha Konasana laying back over a block to realign any imbalances in the pelvis.
Adho Mukha Virasana
Seated Cross legged forward bend – very, very, long holds
Dog Pose
Handstands to the wall – variation to look up at the feet so sternum moves towards navel
Pincha Mayurasana to the wall – variation to look up at the feet again so sternum moves towards navel. This pose was weak for me because of my shoulder.
Virabhadrasana 1. We did this facing the wall, bending the front knee towards the wall. The back leg was supported by a block placed on the floor just above the knee cap so it supported the lower thighbone making the pose a little easier to hold but ensuring we were in a very low lunge. The back foot was flexed with the heel off the floor. Inner heel to inner groin stretching, buttock crease of extended leg sliding outwards, tailbone slowly extending down until you feel it curling in, then draw pubis and front hips up. Hands stayed on hips. We then repeated the same pose facing the centre of the room (still using the block) with back heel up the wall and lifted up the arms.
Then what did we do? I can’t remember now. (I should have written up these notes sooner)
Oh yeah, at some point we did Urdhva Mukha Svanasana (Upward facing Dog Pose) – a very uncomfortable version where you lay a block diagonally to the wall which supports the pelvis.
We also did Headstand again and Upavista Konasana (forward bend) but I’m not sure when in the sequence.
Urdhva Dhanurasana, hands close to the wall, pressing chest to the wall. Take knee creases towards the neck.
Supta Padangusthasana with one foot to the wall. Second variation with head lifting to the knee “Kiss your knee, show how much you care”
I don’t remember everything we did (we laid back with a block under the thoracic spine on one day but I can’t remember when) and I certainly don’t remember most of Glenn’s instructions in the poses – they just passed through me at the time then were lost again. Some stuck, some floated away forever and some may magically reappear when I find myself in a particular pose.
My body doesn’t feel as if it did 8 full sessions of yoga last week. There are no sore muscles – that’s nice - probably because i didn't do Glenn's five morning sessions as well, but there’s also no real feeling of being extended beyond my limitations or of being changed in any way.
Next week I’ll try for 5 consecutive Ashtanga practices. It’s time to start challenging myself again, not just the physical body, but more importantly the mental habits, the discipline, the way I see myself and how I relate to the people I encounter, my entire approach to each day.
Sit still
Be happy.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Friday 5th January 2007
A new year.
At last.
Instead of a post about yoga or my spiritual aspirations and musings, here’s one about my real life last year. It turned out to be the second most challenging year of my entire life – second only to the year that I walked out on an abusive 13 year marriage back in 1994.
MY SON
I moved out from the home I shared with my 24 year old son at the start of 2006 and went to stay with my Mum for one year, a rather strange arrangement that my son and I came to so that he could live independently, build confidence, grow wings and go out into the world. It was quite a sacrifice on my part, but that’s what mum’s do, and at the time, he was desperately seeking a way to halt the psychological spiral downward brought on by long term unemployment, low self-esteem, sensitivity and trauma from the suicide of his three closest friends…. I wish I could say that some good has come out of the separation, but I’m not so sure. He seems to have slowly sunk further and further into a suicidal depression, and he’s hovering there, on the edge. I visit often, we talk; he has great depth, wisdom and insight and has taught me a lot more in the last year than my lifetime of spiritual practice. I wish I could teach him to be happy.
This year will be a critical one for both of us.
MY MUM
And living with my mum… well… that’s brought to light some issues that I never knew were lurking in my subconscious. Family members are often people we keep a safe distance from as we build up the middle years of our life. The close family dynamics of our early years give way to interacting on a surface level and it’s the people you live with that are there in your face, unwitting mirrors that reflect your ugly parts back to you. My sweet mum has no idea what she’s shown me about myself in the last year – not pleasant - I’ve had to face up to my well hidden shortcomings and be grateful to the wise universe for providing these circumstances to humble me.
“People with humility don’t think less of themselves, they just think of themselves less.”
MY PARTNER (EX)
In February 2006, I finally broke away from a 6 year relationship that hadn’t been working for quite a while. Neither of us could accept that it wasn’t working because we felt perfect for each other, soulmates, committed to the same ideals, doing the same inner work, growing together and sharing similar experiences. So chaos and confusion followed the break up as we searched for answers, swung to and fro, reconnecting then separating over and over. It dragged on for the entire year until something finally snapped in me - I woke up and resolutely decided ‘no more’ on New Year’s eve. The spell was broken. It was time for us both to really let go. The strangling grip on my heart has eased and at long last a little bit of space and peace has returned.
So 2006 will be go down in my personal history as the year when all my closest personal relationships broke down, painfully. Despite all my spiritual practice and knowledge (or maybe because of it) my shortcomings were not only highlighted but magnified.
I’m pretty grateful for it actually. I got toppled off my spiritual ivory tower and covered in mud that stuck to me. Humbled and broken…that was me late last year. Now I’ve got real work to do, picking up the pieces, cleaning up the mess, learning my lessons, and making some real changes.
To top off a rather memorable year, my Ashtanga practice died off at the end of October after a dramatic episode of food poisoning followed by an equally serious virus that put me in bed on and off for a month with fevers, chills, and the most severe joint aches I’ve ever experienced. (Makes you marvel at the interconnection between our health and our psyche). I think my strong immune system fired everything it had at the food poisoning and was left completely defenceless to fight off the virus. Luckily I recovered just in time to go off on the 10 day Vipassana retreat (my 5th one) in mid December - just what the doctor ordered.
So with one thing after another, my morning Ashtanga practice has been less than minimal over the last couple of months.
But now, it’s the new year.
At last.
MY YOGA PRACTICE
Next week I launch myself back into full yoga practice.
Great intentions yes, but will I follow through with great action? We’ll see…
I’ll be trying to re-establish a regular morning Ashtanga practice, alternating two self practices in the Gallery with three Mysore practices at the shala. And I’ve enrolled in Glenn Ceresoli’s workshop next week but only for the five evening sessions. (In past years I’ve done his 6-8am morning sessions as well as the 6-8pm evening sessions). Hopefully the evening sessions won’t be too vigorous – I’m expecting long forward bends, inversions and maybe some pranayama which should complement rather than impact on my morning practice.
I could have put off Ashtanga practice for another week and done Glenn’s five morning sessions next week instead, but I remembered the internal resistance that came up during Glenn’s workshop last year, resistance to the Iyengar style of long holds in poses, accompanying dialogue, precise instructions, listening, listening, applying, applying…information overload. I overcame the resistance at the time by taking in as much as I could then tuning out when it got too much, but what a relief when I finally returned to my own practice afterwards. The joy of returning home.
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