Wednesday 31st August 2005
The teachers are back this week: Darren (easily the most senior Iyengar teacher here) has returned from his stint in Pune so I’m looking forward to his led practice this Friday. I heard that in the teacher’s practice he led on Monday, he was inserting a Sun Salute between every standing pose which is refreshingly unorthodox for a stoic Iyengi (is there such a term?).
David (the only authentic Ashtanga teacher here apart from Simi - that I know of, anyway) has returned to teach at the shala this week after something like 5 months away overseas. Mondays and Wednesdays are the only mornings I can get to his morning Mysore classes (Tuesday and Thursday are Gallery practices and Friday is Darren's class), and since I didn’t get there on either of those days this week, I’ll have to think about kick starting myself back there next week. Very big kick needed.
This week all my energy has been taken up by work – organising the School’s graduation ceremony this Friday, our first annual graduate’s dinner this Saturday night and the annual Open Day this Sunday, as well as working flat out on the accreditation submission for a new award we want to offer next year (a 2 year Associate Degree of Visual Art). Work, blah blah blah.
My Ashtanga practice has been in a holding pattern for ages. That’s the way it goes sometimes. I’ve only been doing 3 decent practices a week for the last 4 months. Going back to Mysore classes with David needs a serious attitude change and a commitment because I’ll have to do at least 2 – 3 classes a week with him. The cost of single classes is not easily justified on my income so the alternative is buying a 10 or 20 class ticket which has to be used up in 1 or 2 months – hence 2-3 classes a week. Am I ready for that?
My aversion to commitment has come to light lately with the fallout being the dissolution of my relationship with my partner. Living in the present, loving each moment then letting it go, not looking to control the future but letting it unfold without interference - all this has been a natural outcome of many years of Buddhist practice. But that’s just SO not helpful when others want to include you in their plans for the future.
So is this attitude/belief right or wrong?
Is it possible that it might be useful most of the time, but not all the time?
Since the old relationship broke down between us last week, we’re now working on building a new kind of relationship with each other, where all expectations are dropped. This includes expectations that we should be a certain way or should act a certain way, and any expectations that we might have a future together. Drop all that and suddenly there’s freedom to love unconditionally.
Practice
My last practice was yesterday morning and it was a nice surprise – bit by bit I turned it from a heavy, agonising start, through to a fully engaged, deeply satisfying end.
I didn’t feel like practicing at all when I first stepped onto the mat. I was completely unmotivated, slow, unenergetic, unfocussed. My mind wanted to churn over the complex relationship issues that had been brought up the night before while my body was going through the motions of practice. I was fully aware of the negative effect this was having on my practice.
I KNOW that when I’m not fully present with my practice, I lose energy fast. It just leaks away...down the plughole.
Over the first half hour of sun salutes and standing poses, I had to work hard against my mind’s tunnel vision that kept slipping back into ruminating over the relationship. What a battle bringing it back to the present over and over again, then watching it get sucked back into the other issues going on in my life, then bringing it back to the practice again. How much like traditional sitting meditation this is where you try to keep your mind focussed on the breath. Slowly but steadily it started to come and I got more consistently involved with what I was doing on the mat. Then I noticed the energy starting to increase.
So this practice was a real test of my mind control - firstly the ability to recognise what my stubborn mind was doing and the determination and skill to turn a negative, sticky mind state into a clear, positive, present one. The reward was an absolute immersion in the finishing poses – all done in complete absorption and ecstasy. I'd won.
Sirsasana was so good - my Ujjiyi breath seemed to originate from the ocean floor depths of Mulabandha, rhythmic and sonorous, saturating every cell of my body.
“Yogas citta vrtti nirodhah”
Yoga is the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind.
Practice with the correct intention and all is coming.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
The teachers are back this week: Darren (easily the most senior Iyengar teacher here) has returned from his stint in Pune so I’m looking forward to his led practice this Friday. I heard that in the teacher’s practice he led on Monday, he was inserting a Sun Salute between every standing pose which is refreshingly unorthodox for a stoic Iyengi (is there such a term?).
David (the only authentic Ashtanga teacher here apart from Simi - that I know of, anyway) has returned to teach at the shala this week after something like 5 months away overseas. Mondays and Wednesdays are the only mornings I can get to his morning Mysore classes (Tuesday and Thursday are Gallery practices and Friday is Darren's class), and since I didn’t get there on either of those days this week, I’ll have to think about kick starting myself back there next week. Very big kick needed.
This week all my energy has been taken up by work – organising the School’s graduation ceremony this Friday, our first annual graduate’s dinner this Saturday night and the annual Open Day this Sunday, as well as working flat out on the accreditation submission for a new award we want to offer next year (a 2 year Associate Degree of Visual Art). Work, blah blah blah.
My Ashtanga practice has been in a holding pattern for ages. That’s the way it goes sometimes. I’ve only been doing 3 decent practices a week for the last 4 months. Going back to Mysore classes with David needs a serious attitude change and a commitment because I’ll have to do at least 2 – 3 classes a week with him. The cost of single classes is not easily justified on my income so the alternative is buying a 10 or 20 class ticket which has to be used up in 1 or 2 months – hence 2-3 classes a week. Am I ready for that?
My aversion to commitment has come to light lately with the fallout being the dissolution of my relationship with my partner. Living in the present, loving each moment then letting it go, not looking to control the future but letting it unfold without interference - all this has been a natural outcome of many years of Buddhist practice. But that’s just SO not helpful when others want to include you in their plans for the future.
So is this attitude/belief right or wrong?
Is it possible that it might be useful most of the time, but not all the time?
Since the old relationship broke down between us last week, we’re now working on building a new kind of relationship with each other, where all expectations are dropped. This includes expectations that we should be a certain way or should act a certain way, and any expectations that we might have a future together. Drop all that and suddenly there’s freedom to love unconditionally.
Practice
My last practice was yesterday morning and it was a nice surprise – bit by bit I turned it from a heavy, agonising start, through to a fully engaged, deeply satisfying end.
I didn’t feel like practicing at all when I first stepped onto the mat. I was completely unmotivated, slow, unenergetic, unfocussed. My mind wanted to churn over the complex relationship issues that had been brought up the night before while my body was going through the motions of practice. I was fully aware of the negative effect this was having on my practice.
I KNOW that when I’m not fully present with my practice, I lose energy fast. It just leaks away...down the plughole.
Over the first half hour of sun salutes and standing poses, I had to work hard against my mind’s tunnel vision that kept slipping back into ruminating over the relationship. What a battle bringing it back to the present over and over again, then watching it get sucked back into the other issues going on in my life, then bringing it back to the practice again. How much like traditional sitting meditation this is where you try to keep your mind focussed on the breath. Slowly but steadily it started to come and I got more consistently involved with what I was doing on the mat. Then I noticed the energy starting to increase.
So this practice was a real test of my mind control - firstly the ability to recognise what my stubborn mind was doing and the determination and skill to turn a negative, sticky mind state into a clear, positive, present one. The reward was an absolute immersion in the finishing poses – all done in complete absorption and ecstasy. I'd won.
Sirsasana was so good - my Ujjiyi breath seemed to originate from the ocean floor depths of Mulabandha, rhythmic and sonorous, saturating every cell of my body.
“Yogas citta vrtti nirodhah”
Yoga is the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind.
Practice with the correct intention and all is coming.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Friday 26th August 2005
A very brief summary of the last week or so.
Beginnings: my yoga classes started last Saturday and they were great. I had 4 really good, solid students in the 9.30am Level 1 class, 3 of them are students I’ve been teaching at Rebecca’s studio for the last year and they’re really loyal and committed.
The 5 week beginners course at 4pm had 10 people in it and another 3 are starting this Saturday. When the course finishes I’ll turn the 4pm timeslot into a level 1 class so hopefully at the end of the course some of them will continue coming. All in all a really positive start so I feel quite inspired about teaching in my own space, in my own way, and having a core group of students to accompany me on this journey.
My back improved just in time for the first class and I've been fairly pain free for the last few days through still very stiff across the lumbar during practice.
Endings: my partner and I have separated after five and a half years together. We’ve survived many break ups over the years, but I think I’ve now finally accepted that the intensity of this relationship is impacting on the rest of my life and despite our many honest discussions about all the issues that bubble beneath the surface and the insights that have emerged about our patterns of behaviour, the time has come to make a final decision to let it go. Last night we cried in each others arms after a week filled with long, protracted, late night conversations trying to get it all clear. We’re both very sad.
So practice has taken a back seat this week as late nights and strong emotions have taken their toll. I managed a good practice on Tuesday morning in the Gallery with Kosta, then I got up and went in to the shala on Wednesday morning but was fairly weak in energy and went to finishing poses after Navasana. Thursday was a female kind of restorative practice in the Gallery, the kind you do to nurture yourself when you're too fragile and tired to move.
David returns from overseas to teach the early morning Mysore classes next week. We’ve had no teacher at the shala for the last 2 months, and I guess my full on Ashtanga commitment has dropped off a bit. Right now, I’m feeling very tentative about going back because of the impact of this relationship break up. Next week things may be clearer.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Wednesday 17th August 2005
Looks like the backache from hell is back again. It’s a familiar gripping ache through the lumbar area that radiates out to the left hip. I know it’s from the megadose of backbends yesterday (most probably Kapotasana), which puzzles me because the last time I went through this back nightmare (a couple of months ago) it was caused by Supta Kurmasana which arches the lumbar in the opposite direction.
So something is telling me that the cause is not the pose – not the forward bend, not the backbend.
It’s the approach...there's rich food for contemplation here.
Firstly I keep forgetting that I ruptured a disc a few years back so there's going to be a weakness in my lumbar spine forevermore. Maybe I haven't quite accepted that I'm no longer invincible. Maybe I still actually believe the fairytale that with the right work I'll overcome all physical obstacles and be transformed from a pumpkin into a lithe Cinderella yogi and live happily ever after. Look at Vanda Scaravelli.
In the last 24 hours I've actually done a bit of research into Vanda's philosophy and approach. Not sure why - probably just a fleeting visit to another yoga style. Vanda, like many independent, contemporary yogis (eg. Iyengar, Shandor) developed quite a specific approach to asana based on her vast knowledge and practice and influenced particularly by her personality and disposition. Like Iyengar, Shandor and others, she refined it then she taught it.
I'm not about to become a Scaravelli convert, but there's great sensitivity in her approach and right now, as I'm investigating the state of mind which which I come to the mat, it's like a soothing medicine to read about it.
Back to looking for a connection between the back injury incidents: both times I got a bit excited about the possibilities of going further into the poses and thought I could do it safely. I was nudging at my edges. In Supta Kurmasana I was adjusted further into the pose than I should have been, but I trusted the process and stayed in it with the quiet wish that the mental and physical discomfort would bring the benefit of breaking through my stubborn body’s resistance to the pose and advancing just that little bit more towards the ‘final’ position. So ego was there – I wanted something.
I think my approach to asana work has matured since then (injury does that to you), and yesterday I wasn’t wanting anything. I was just being curious, adventurous. An attitude of “Let’s see where this leads”.
My lumbar winced at the prospect of practice today so I let it rest. Tomorrow I’ll do something – even if it's just some safe, standing poses.
I’ll probably be teaching my first class on pain killers this weekend.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday 16th August 2005
It’s late afternoon and my lower back hurts. It’s an ache that indicates tissue trauma - something's been stirred up and maybe even damaged again so there could be a very painful lesson to learn here. Too big to contemplate right now, but that will come.
I’ve now done this to my back twice in the space of 3 months.
Here’s what I did in practice this morning.
I abandoned the Ashtanga sequence after Parsvottanasana (yeah I know...there’s lesson number one) and decided to explore some more backbending poses (after my glorious moment in Eka Pada Raja Kapotasana on Saturday).
It felt like a courageous path at the time but considering how I feel this afternoon, I wish I hadn’t taken it.
So after Parsvottanasana I sat in Virasana, a classic pose often inserted as a transition between standing and seated poses in Iyengar classes. I always experience funny little sensations in my hip joints in Virasana and quite enjoy staying there watching them come and go and move around. The sensations feel like wicked little gremlins running around my lower body, causing mischief and eluding capture.
Legs still in Virasana I laid back with the upper back arched and the crown of the head on the floor. Not sure of the name of this pose and too lazy to look it up, but it’s like Matsyasana with Virasana legs, arms overhead and hands hold opposite elbows. So I held this quietly, watching the shoulders gradually release and the elbows slide closer towards the floor, then lowered my back to the floor then laid out flat in Supta Virasana for a couple of minutes. All up about 5 minutes of sustained quad stretching.
Then to the backbends, starting with what we did in class on Saturday: Urdhva Dhanurasana, Viparitta Dandasana, Eka Pada Raja Kapotasana with a strap (couldn’t reach foot to head today – no teacher), Ustrasana and a genuine attempt at Kapotasana. I did this from Ustrasana arching back to the wall with arms overhead, and once my hands touched the wall I walked them down a step and pushed hard into the wall to straighten my arms. This gives a great opening for the shoulders but the main advantage is that the pressure into the wall provides a fulcrum to lift up through the chest which is where I need to develop more arch. Did that twice then walked hands down the wall and caterpillar crawled them along the floor to touch my feet. Elbows didn’t get to the ground, but that wasn’t the aim. Just having the strong intention and desire to attempt it, then stay and work in it without panicking was my measure of success. For me that’s an indicator that my motivation is returning. About time too.
A few soft forward bends to ease the lower back and I felt great. Just a little ache in the lumbar to start with which was understandable. But it’s 4pm and the ache hasn’t gone away.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Monday 15th August 2005
The Saturday class was great, not as hard as I imagined although we held poses for double time. Going to a 10am class was a bit confusing…do I have breakfast…coffee…? I got up early, had both then walked the dog.
Class started with a few warm ups, lots of Dog Pose interspersed with Uttanasana variations and the good old preparation for Eka Pada Rajakapotasana (front leg bent and back leg extended) where you just lean forward over the bent front leg with arms extended, and relax into the hip opening stretch. Why isn’t this pose in the official yoga curriculum (eg. Light on Yoga)? It’s done in a lot of class and facilitates a deep release in the hips when you stay there for a while. Seems like a classic to me.
A few rounds of Surja Namaskars, followed by a few simple, effective standing poses: Trikonasana and Parsvakonasana first. Then I got a good alignment adjustment in Parivritta Parsvakonasana. I thought this pose was coming along well as I can get the heel of my back foot on the ground and move into version B, binding my wrist behind my back. But when my hips got adjusted to their correct position, I realised why I get so far in the twist – back to kindergarten basics with this one.
From Prasaritta Padottanasana we slid the feet apart as wide as possible and laid the forearms to the floor, keeping the spine parallel then moved into Hanumanasana. Slowly got all the way to the floor on both sides and stayed there – some days I can, some days I can’t.
Then backbends: Setu Bandha Sarvangasana, a few long holds in Urdhva Dhanurasana, Viparitta Dandasana first with palms together and head off the floor, then palms to the floor and inching them towards the feet. Then the crowning glory of the class: Eka Pada Raja Kapotasana. Preparing for this, my back thigh got straightened and rotated a bit, then we grabbed a strap hooking it over the foot. I was able to walk my hands down the strap closer to the foot, grab my big toe with one hand, then the little toe side of the foot with the other hand and voila! Drew my foot in to touch my head for the first time ever. Of course it helped having a teacher to guide me deeper into it and support my body. Nice little thrill to finally get there and it’s given me this strong impetus to work more diligently and seriously at my asana (which I should be doing if I’m going to be teaching it again).
After the backbends we did Janu Sirsasana and Parivritta Janu Sirsasana. I didn’t get an adjustment in this one but was watching my teacher move Kosta more deeply into the twist with a knee in Kosta’s lower shoulderblade and both hands rotating the side ribs around. We finished with a very long Paschimottanasana.
It was a strong class, not many poses, but deep satisfying work. My partner is a very gifted teacher. He has a magical way of facilitating your full descent into the murky depths of the poses and shining a light in there for you.
Surprisingly I wasn’t sore the next day. This time I was spared paying the penance for my sins.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Looks like the backache from hell is back again. It’s a familiar gripping ache through the lumbar area that radiates out to the left hip. I know it’s from the megadose of backbends yesterday (most probably Kapotasana), which puzzles me because the last time I went through this back nightmare (a couple of months ago) it was caused by Supta Kurmasana which arches the lumbar in the opposite direction.
So something is telling me that the cause is not the pose – not the forward bend, not the backbend.
It’s the approach...there's rich food for contemplation here.
Firstly I keep forgetting that I ruptured a disc a few years back so there's going to be a weakness in my lumbar spine forevermore. Maybe I haven't quite accepted that I'm no longer invincible. Maybe I still actually believe the fairytale that with the right work I'll overcome all physical obstacles and be transformed from a pumpkin into a lithe Cinderella yogi and live happily ever after. Look at Vanda Scaravelli.
In the last 24 hours I've actually done a bit of research into Vanda's philosophy and approach. Not sure why - probably just a fleeting visit to another yoga style. Vanda, like many independent, contemporary yogis (eg. Iyengar, Shandor) developed quite a specific approach to asana based on her vast knowledge and practice and influenced particularly by her personality and disposition. Like Iyengar, Shandor and others, she refined it then she taught it.
I'm not about to become a Scaravelli convert, but there's great sensitivity in her approach and right now, as I'm investigating the state of mind which which I come to the mat, it's like a soothing medicine to read about it.
Back to looking for a connection between the back injury incidents: both times I got a bit excited about the possibilities of going further into the poses and thought I could do it safely. I was nudging at my edges. In Supta Kurmasana I was adjusted further into the pose than I should have been, but I trusted the process and stayed in it with the quiet wish that the mental and physical discomfort would bring the benefit of breaking through my stubborn body’s resistance to the pose and advancing just that little bit more towards the ‘final’ position. So ego was there – I wanted something.
I think my approach to asana work has matured since then (injury does that to you), and yesterday I wasn’t wanting anything. I was just being curious, adventurous. An attitude of “Let’s see where this leads”.
My lumbar winced at the prospect of practice today so I let it rest. Tomorrow I’ll do something – even if it's just some safe, standing poses.
I’ll probably be teaching my first class on pain killers this weekend.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday 16th August 2005
It’s late afternoon and my lower back hurts. It’s an ache that indicates tissue trauma - something's been stirred up and maybe even damaged again so there could be a very painful lesson to learn here. Too big to contemplate right now, but that will come.
I’ve now done this to my back twice in the space of 3 months.
Here’s what I did in practice this morning.
I abandoned the Ashtanga sequence after Parsvottanasana (yeah I know...there’s lesson number one) and decided to explore some more backbending poses (after my glorious moment in Eka Pada Raja Kapotasana on Saturday).
It felt like a courageous path at the time but considering how I feel this afternoon, I wish I hadn’t taken it.
So after Parsvottanasana I sat in Virasana, a classic pose often inserted as a transition between standing and seated poses in Iyengar classes. I always experience funny little sensations in my hip joints in Virasana and quite enjoy staying there watching them come and go and move around. The sensations feel like wicked little gremlins running around my lower body, causing mischief and eluding capture.
Legs still in Virasana I laid back with the upper back arched and the crown of the head on the floor. Not sure of the name of this pose and too lazy to look it up, but it’s like Matsyasana with Virasana legs, arms overhead and hands hold opposite elbows. So I held this quietly, watching the shoulders gradually release and the elbows slide closer towards the floor, then lowered my back to the floor then laid out flat in Supta Virasana for a couple of minutes. All up about 5 minutes of sustained quad stretching.
Then to the backbends, starting with what we did in class on Saturday: Urdhva Dhanurasana, Viparitta Dandasana, Eka Pada Raja Kapotasana with a strap (couldn’t reach foot to head today – no teacher), Ustrasana and a genuine attempt at Kapotasana. I did this from Ustrasana arching back to the wall with arms overhead, and once my hands touched the wall I walked them down a step and pushed hard into the wall to straighten my arms. This gives a great opening for the shoulders but the main advantage is that the pressure into the wall provides a fulcrum to lift up through the chest which is where I need to develop more arch. Did that twice then walked hands down the wall and caterpillar crawled them along the floor to touch my feet. Elbows didn’t get to the ground, but that wasn’t the aim. Just having the strong intention and desire to attempt it, then stay and work in it without panicking was my measure of success. For me that’s an indicator that my motivation is returning. About time too.
A few soft forward bends to ease the lower back and I felt great. Just a little ache in the lumbar to start with which was understandable. But it’s 4pm and the ache hasn’t gone away.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Monday 15th August 2005
The Saturday class was great, not as hard as I imagined although we held poses for double time. Going to a 10am class was a bit confusing…do I have breakfast…coffee…? I got up early, had both then walked the dog.
Class started with a few warm ups, lots of Dog Pose interspersed with Uttanasana variations and the good old preparation for Eka Pada Rajakapotasana (front leg bent and back leg extended) where you just lean forward over the bent front leg with arms extended, and relax into the hip opening stretch. Why isn’t this pose in the official yoga curriculum (eg. Light on Yoga)? It’s done in a lot of class and facilitates a deep release in the hips when you stay there for a while. Seems like a classic to me.
A few rounds of Surja Namaskars, followed by a few simple, effective standing poses: Trikonasana and Parsvakonasana first. Then I got a good alignment adjustment in Parivritta Parsvakonasana. I thought this pose was coming along well as I can get the heel of my back foot on the ground and move into version B, binding my wrist behind my back. But when my hips got adjusted to their correct position, I realised why I get so far in the twist – back to kindergarten basics with this one.
From Prasaritta Padottanasana we slid the feet apart as wide as possible and laid the forearms to the floor, keeping the spine parallel then moved into Hanumanasana. Slowly got all the way to the floor on both sides and stayed there – some days I can, some days I can’t.
Then backbends: Setu Bandha Sarvangasana, a few long holds in Urdhva Dhanurasana, Viparitta Dandasana first with palms together and head off the floor, then palms to the floor and inching them towards the feet. Then the crowning glory of the class: Eka Pada Raja Kapotasana. Preparing for this, my back thigh got straightened and rotated a bit, then we grabbed a strap hooking it over the foot. I was able to walk my hands down the strap closer to the foot, grab my big toe with one hand, then the little toe side of the foot with the other hand and voila! Drew my foot in to touch my head for the first time ever. Of course it helped having a teacher to guide me deeper into it and support my body. Nice little thrill to finally get there and it’s given me this strong impetus to work more diligently and seriously at my asana (which I should be doing if I’m going to be teaching it again).
After the backbends we did Janu Sirsasana and Parivritta Janu Sirsasana. I didn’t get an adjustment in this one but was watching my teacher move Kosta more deeply into the twist with a knee in Kosta’s lower shoulderblade and both hands rotating the side ribs around. We finished with a very long Paschimottanasana.
It was a strong class, not many poses, but deep satisfying work. My partner is a very gifted teacher. He has a magical way of facilitating your full descent into the murky depths of the poses and shining a light in there for you.
Surprisingly I wasn’t sore the next day. This time I was spared paying the penance for my sins.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Friday 12th August 2005
Piking Out
Well I’m beating myself up good today and I deserve every bit of it. I promised Kirsty I’d meet her at the shala at 5.45am for practice this morning but when that alarm went off I turned it off and said stuff it. I was half expecting her to do the same. Kirsty has often planned to come to Gallery practice and not turned up, so I figured she’d probably pike out too, but that’s no excuse – I should have gone.
And you guessed it, she turned up and she waited for me. The shala’s unfamiliar territory for Kirsty. She practised there with me for the first time last week, and she’s still a beginner Ashtangi so she needs to follow someone (eg. me). So I feel really bad she was left there waiting. But to her great credit, she went in anyway and practiced with the little group of dedicated, advanced morning yogis. Good on you Kirsty. And bad on me.
So that’s as low as I go. I’ve hit rock bottom now and never will I do that again to someone. It’s become a very, very, bad habit of mine to pike out. More beating to come.
I did the same thing to Kosta on Wednesday, promising to be there. I don’t’ know if he went to practice at the shala but I know that I didn’t. I decided to make up for it and planned to meet Sasha there on Thursday. This time I went – she didn’t.
We’re all sort of playing musical chairs (if you know that game).
Tomorrow I’ll get that beating that I deserve.
Tomorrow I’m going to my boyfriend’s class at 10am– he’s finally teaching yoga again, but the bad news is that it will be the only class I get to do with him because I start teaching yoga as well from next week. We’ll both be teaching Saturday classes at the same time.
His class will be intense work, long holds, sensitive, strong adjustments. He has a natural, effortless gift for teaching that I can only aspire to.
I expect to be sore all weekend.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Thursday 11th August 2005
Symphony in Marichyasana C major
It was a friendly kind of practice this morning – a nice balance of effort and ease. I shouldn’t have practiced at all (monthly female cycle) but yesterday I felt an overwhelming urge to practice at the shala. I’ve missed the inner satisfaction of being a committed yogi but I think it might be gradually coming back.
I noticed again this morning that it’s almost impossible for me to engage mulabandha when I’m menstruating (the natural energetic flow down and out of the pelvic area is quite a subtle force and prevents the drawing up of energy from the perineum). Interesting to note also that my exhalations were much longer and more controlled than my inhalations. The exhalation is a cleaning out, a release, an apana process (along with elimination etc) so as I was doing my Surja Namaskars I was contemplating the relationship between menstruation and apana – the elimination of excess waste, toxins, by-products etc from the system. Maybe there’s a connection between the menstrual and respiratory processes as the exhalation is also a release of waste (carbon dioxide etc) from the system. All playful speculation really.
But the practice itself was a very consistent one – energy was good all the way through. Sometimes you start practice all revved up and energetic and think you’re going to fly through it, only to find you’re carked halfway through. But today the energy stayed at a constant level and maybe even moved up a notch or two halfway through. So the practice overall felt solid, even and really really nice. The steadiness I felt is probably a reflection of the ease and contentedness I’m feeling within myself. I found I could move a little deeper into a lot of the poses today because of this mental ease and openness. No sense of pushing or trying to get further, but more a peaceful connected feeling: “Well here I am in Marichy C, I think I’ll just open it a little more, lift the sternum, drop the shoulders, draw up from the perineum to the crown, now see what little bits I can open up by doing …this…and...this…. Hey, this is fun.”
It was a lighter, more musical approach to the work in the pose. Then it started to take on a bit more depth as I held the pose and it slowly transformed from a little song into an all out symphony.
One part of the mind was directing the prana up and down the spine –once this was established it acted like the base rhythm of the song. Then gradually, almost stealthily in crept the next part – you almost don’t notice it at first. This is the level where all the little grips in the joints and muscles start to release one by one, but if you lose the focus on the baseline, it all falls apart. You have to keep that base rhythm going.
So now I have two layers happening, the underlying rhythmic movement of the breath/prana and then the subsequent relinquishing of the body to the twist. I watch the duet happening, one is intentional, the other happens as a graceful result. Tension held in the hips, ankles, shoulders, sacrum, diaphragm and throat just melts away bit by bit, moment by moment. While all this is happening I introduce the final layer, the leading melody to complete the symphony. It lures the twisting body further and deeper into the pose, a crescendo upwards to the finale.
Such perfect harmony with so many voices working together.
Poses can become really masterful artistic creations that play out the push/pull dynamic of effort and yielding. Today I rose to Marichyasana C.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Piking Out
Well I’m beating myself up good today and I deserve every bit of it. I promised Kirsty I’d meet her at the shala at 5.45am for practice this morning but when that alarm went off I turned it off and said stuff it. I was half expecting her to do the same. Kirsty has often planned to come to Gallery practice and not turned up, so I figured she’d probably pike out too, but that’s no excuse – I should have gone.
And you guessed it, she turned up and she waited for me. The shala’s unfamiliar territory for Kirsty. She practised there with me for the first time last week, and she’s still a beginner Ashtangi so she needs to follow someone (eg. me). So I feel really bad she was left there waiting. But to her great credit, she went in anyway and practiced with the little group of dedicated, advanced morning yogis. Good on you Kirsty. And bad on me.
So that’s as low as I go. I’ve hit rock bottom now and never will I do that again to someone. It’s become a very, very, bad habit of mine to pike out. More beating to come.
I did the same thing to Kosta on Wednesday, promising to be there. I don’t’ know if he went to practice at the shala but I know that I didn’t. I decided to make up for it and planned to meet Sasha there on Thursday. This time I went – she didn’t.
We’re all sort of playing musical chairs (if you know that game).
Tomorrow I’ll get that beating that I deserve.
Tomorrow I’m going to my boyfriend’s class at 10am– he’s finally teaching yoga again, but the bad news is that it will be the only class I get to do with him because I start teaching yoga as well from next week. We’ll both be teaching Saturday classes at the same time.
His class will be intense work, long holds, sensitive, strong adjustments. He has a natural, effortless gift for teaching that I can only aspire to.
I expect to be sore all weekend.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Thursday 11th August 2005
Symphony in Marichyasana C major
It was a friendly kind of practice this morning – a nice balance of effort and ease. I shouldn’t have practiced at all (monthly female cycle) but yesterday I felt an overwhelming urge to practice at the shala. I’ve missed the inner satisfaction of being a committed yogi but I think it might be gradually coming back.
I noticed again this morning that it’s almost impossible for me to engage mulabandha when I’m menstruating (the natural energetic flow down and out of the pelvic area is quite a subtle force and prevents the drawing up of energy from the perineum). Interesting to note also that my exhalations were much longer and more controlled than my inhalations. The exhalation is a cleaning out, a release, an apana process (along with elimination etc) so as I was doing my Surja Namaskars I was contemplating the relationship between menstruation and apana – the elimination of excess waste, toxins, by-products etc from the system. Maybe there’s a connection between the menstrual and respiratory processes as the exhalation is also a release of waste (carbon dioxide etc) from the system. All playful speculation really.
But the practice itself was a very consistent one – energy was good all the way through. Sometimes you start practice all revved up and energetic and think you’re going to fly through it, only to find you’re carked halfway through. But today the energy stayed at a constant level and maybe even moved up a notch or two halfway through. So the practice overall felt solid, even and really really nice. The steadiness I felt is probably a reflection of the ease and contentedness I’m feeling within myself. I found I could move a little deeper into a lot of the poses today because of this mental ease and openness. No sense of pushing or trying to get further, but more a peaceful connected feeling: “Well here I am in Marichy C, I think I’ll just open it a little more, lift the sternum, drop the shoulders, draw up from the perineum to the crown, now see what little bits I can open up by doing …this…and...this…. Hey, this is fun.”
It was a lighter, more musical approach to the work in the pose. Then it started to take on a bit more depth as I held the pose and it slowly transformed from a little song into an all out symphony.
One part of the mind was directing the prana up and down the spine –once this was established it acted like the base rhythm of the song. Then gradually, almost stealthily in crept the next part – you almost don’t notice it at first. This is the level where all the little grips in the joints and muscles start to release one by one, but if you lose the focus on the baseline, it all falls apart. You have to keep that base rhythm going.
So now I have two layers happening, the underlying rhythmic movement of the breath/prana and then the subsequent relinquishing of the body to the twist. I watch the duet happening, one is intentional, the other happens as a graceful result. Tension held in the hips, ankles, shoulders, sacrum, diaphragm and throat just melts away bit by bit, moment by moment. While all this is happening I introduce the final layer, the leading melody to complete the symphony. It lures the twisting body further and deeper into the pose, a crescendo upwards to the finale.
Such perfect harmony with so many voices working together.
Poses can become really masterful artistic creations that play out the push/pull dynamic of effort and yielding. Today I rose to Marichyasana C.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Saturday 6th August 2005
Practice
I sort of expected to be practising on my own in the Gallery this morning. I set up the heaters, the mat and the blankets with this lovely feeling of joyful anticipation as if I was finally coming home to practice after an extended absence of leave. Approaching the practice in that frame of mind releases a lot of the burden and tension around it. You’re not forcing yourself to do it, you really WANT to be there, and you’re there in a very open, present, non-expectant, contented kind of way.
I put on my favourite CD (Indian chants) and as soon as I started the Surja Namaskars, I knew it would be one of those intimate practices. My consciousness gradually engulfed my body. I was participating from deep within every movement, watching and working at the same time. Each pose, each vinyasa, each minute movement and adjustment was magnified through a kaleidoscopic awareness. My movements and breath were very slow today, elongated and strong allowing extra time to work deliberately in each pose.
In the first move of Surja A, raising my arms to the side and up, I observed the effect on my shoulders at that transition point where the hands begin to turn from face down to face up and the arms rotate. My problem right shoulder gets momentarily caught at that point. I made a determined effort to even up this shoulder action so the limp one mirrors the good one with the innocent hope that the action might lodge into my shoulder consciousness over time and banish the nasty gremlins that have invaded that joint.
In another determined effort to break some bad habits, I tried springing up high and from Downward Dog and hovering for a moment before touching my feet down lightly into Uttanasana. Needs work, but the first step is always trying.
In Surja B I sunk more deeply than usual into Utkatasana, pressed more into my heels, rolled my triceps inwards, then drew in a deep Uddiyana and Mula Bandha for the fold into Uttanasana. Another point I’m working on in Surja B (when I remember) is trying to keep my hands flat on the floor when stepping the feet forward to the Virabhadrasana A (lunge) position. I’d normally lift the base of both hands off the floor but when I apply the effort, only one hand lifts off a bit.
From there it was a strong grounded standing pose practice. Every pose was turned on to full power – authentic, honest , real. A little eerie in fact. It was like I had an eagle eyed teacher right next to me, watching , correcting and adjusting me in every pose. Early on in my yoga training, I did a few classes where I was the only one who turned up and it was pretty full on. There’s no cheating, nowhere to hide. He’s watching you full time and teasing out your weaknesses. It can be emotionally intense and quite draining. But you really work to your fullest and progress through some physical and mental barriers at breakneck speed. Those were the good old days.
But this morning that teacher’s eagle eye was there, glaring and piercing into every pose, correcting and adjusting me, bringing the weaknesses to my attention. I feel like I’m now having to deconstruct my practice and rebuild it from the beginning again. It’s fallen apart on many levels over the last couple of months and I’ve been really struggling to resurrect any motivation. Doing the same practice with the same attitude over and over just isn’t working anymore.
The Ashtanga system isn’t going to make me into a super-yogi - that much I’ve accepted. It’s been a very unrealistic expectation (as all expectations are) and wanting to be a super-yogi (we're talking ego and asana here) made me lose sight of the inner comfort and ease that is the starting point for a solid practice.
The practice I did today was my very own. It was slower, there was no real flow to it. It wasn’t a standard Ashtanga workout but it was a strong, connected asana practice.
Working surgically in each standing pose made me pretty shaky and I had to take rest in Uttanasana occasionally to regain strength and composure.
It took me one hour to get to Dandasana.
I started Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana by holding an open twist - with the left leg straight and the right leg in Padmasana, right hand holding right foot and left hand holding left foot), I stayed upright and kept my hips square while twisting to the right working here for 5 breaths before coming back to centre and folding forward into the traditional pose.
After that, my energy and focus began leaking away and I started to think about finishing, but decided instead to fast forward to the Marichyasanas. Funny how you can justify missing a few poses if the alternative is giving up and going straight to the finishing inversions.
Marichy A, B and C were pretty deep so I thought I’d cash in on my luck and go for Marichyasana D. I gave it my best shot, taking the first leg into my deepest Padmasana, then bit by bit (and I mean in minute increments) the twist started to come from deep in the hip joint. Hands got close then fingers touched, so I grabbed a strap and did it again holding the strap between my hands to open up all those closed parts that are rebelling against the twist. In the absence of a teacher to pull me into it, a strap will have to do.
My usual lazy approach to Marichy D has been to hook my left hand under my right standing foot so going for the full pose was good progress. The willingness to go further into that uncomfortable scary unknown zone OF MY OWN FREE WILL and not under the sufferance of a teacher’s directive, is the stuff that legends are made of.
After 3 backbends and the finishing poses, I sat in Padmasana feeling very different, very satisfied.
Yoga. The never ending journey inward continues…
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Practice
I sort of expected to be practising on my own in the Gallery this morning. I set up the heaters, the mat and the blankets with this lovely feeling of joyful anticipation as if I was finally coming home to practice after an extended absence of leave. Approaching the practice in that frame of mind releases a lot of the burden and tension around it. You’re not forcing yourself to do it, you really WANT to be there, and you’re there in a very open, present, non-expectant, contented kind of way.
I put on my favourite CD (Indian chants) and as soon as I started the Surja Namaskars, I knew it would be one of those intimate practices. My consciousness gradually engulfed my body. I was participating from deep within every movement, watching and working at the same time. Each pose, each vinyasa, each minute movement and adjustment was magnified through a kaleidoscopic awareness. My movements and breath were very slow today, elongated and strong allowing extra time to work deliberately in each pose.
In the first move of Surja A, raising my arms to the side and up, I observed the effect on my shoulders at that transition point where the hands begin to turn from face down to face up and the arms rotate. My problem right shoulder gets momentarily caught at that point. I made a determined effort to even up this shoulder action so the limp one mirrors the good one with the innocent hope that the action might lodge into my shoulder consciousness over time and banish the nasty gremlins that have invaded that joint.
In another determined effort to break some bad habits, I tried springing up high and from Downward Dog and hovering for a moment before touching my feet down lightly into Uttanasana. Needs work, but the first step is always trying.
In Surja B I sunk more deeply than usual into Utkatasana, pressed more into my heels, rolled my triceps inwards, then drew in a deep Uddiyana and Mula Bandha for the fold into Uttanasana. Another point I’m working on in Surja B (when I remember) is trying to keep my hands flat on the floor when stepping the feet forward to the Virabhadrasana A (lunge) position. I’d normally lift the base of both hands off the floor but when I apply the effort, only one hand lifts off a bit.
From there it was a strong grounded standing pose practice. Every pose was turned on to full power – authentic, honest , real. A little eerie in fact. It was like I had an eagle eyed teacher right next to me, watching , correcting and adjusting me in every pose. Early on in my yoga training, I did a few classes where I was the only one who turned up and it was pretty full on. There’s no cheating, nowhere to hide. He’s watching you full time and teasing out your weaknesses. It can be emotionally intense and quite draining. But you really work to your fullest and progress through some physical and mental barriers at breakneck speed. Those were the good old days.
But this morning that teacher’s eagle eye was there, glaring and piercing into every pose, correcting and adjusting me, bringing the weaknesses to my attention. I feel like I’m now having to deconstruct my practice and rebuild it from the beginning again. It’s fallen apart on many levels over the last couple of months and I’ve been really struggling to resurrect any motivation. Doing the same practice with the same attitude over and over just isn’t working anymore.
The Ashtanga system isn’t going to make me into a super-yogi - that much I’ve accepted. It’s been a very unrealistic expectation (as all expectations are) and wanting to be a super-yogi (we're talking ego and asana here) made me lose sight of the inner comfort and ease that is the starting point for a solid practice.
The practice I did today was my very own. It was slower, there was no real flow to it. It wasn’t a standard Ashtanga workout but it was a strong, connected asana practice.
Working surgically in each standing pose made me pretty shaky and I had to take rest in Uttanasana occasionally to regain strength and composure.
It took me one hour to get to Dandasana.
I started Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana by holding an open twist - with the left leg straight and the right leg in Padmasana, right hand holding right foot and left hand holding left foot), I stayed upright and kept my hips square while twisting to the right working here for 5 breaths before coming back to centre and folding forward into the traditional pose.
After that, my energy and focus began leaking away and I started to think about finishing, but decided instead to fast forward to the Marichyasanas. Funny how you can justify missing a few poses if the alternative is giving up and going straight to the finishing inversions.
Marichy A, B and C were pretty deep so I thought I’d cash in on my luck and go for Marichyasana D. I gave it my best shot, taking the first leg into my deepest Padmasana, then bit by bit (and I mean in minute increments) the twist started to come from deep in the hip joint. Hands got close then fingers touched, so I grabbed a strap and did it again holding the strap between my hands to open up all those closed parts that are rebelling against the twist. In the absence of a teacher to pull me into it, a strap will have to do.
My usual lazy approach to Marichy D has been to hook my left hand under my right standing foot so going for the full pose was good progress. The willingness to go further into that uncomfortable scary unknown zone OF MY OWN FREE WILL and not under the sufferance of a teacher’s directive, is the stuff that legends are made of.
After 3 backbends and the finishing poses, I sat in Padmasana feeling very different, very satisfied.
Yoga. The never ending journey inward continues…
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Wednesday 3rd August 2005
Got to the shala at last. There were 6 others practising there this morning, holding up the fort in the absence of our teachers (David’s back in 4 weeks, and Simi in about 8 weeks I think).
Two of the girls have Amazing Grace, floaty practices, so beautiful to watch. At the end of my practice I watched one of them doing a preparation for Viparitta Chakrasana. She pushed up into Urdhva Dhanurasana with her felt close to the wall, then walked her feet up the wall and flipped them up into a full handstand before descending them through a controlled descent over her head and coming to a standing position.
The good thing about practising at the shala is there’s less likelihood of me copping out halfway through practice. The other yogis are an inspiration. I want to be that dedicated.
Marichy D has gone and I’m grieving. Even though my back feels normal again, the injury has somehow changed my physical structure and left me with an impasse to twists. It took me over a year of Ashtanga practice until Marichy D came consistently and now it looks like I have to start that process all over again. When David returns to teach the morning Mysore classes I’ll once again have to endure those horrific and traumatic adjustments into the pose. And Supta Kurmasana…my fingers touch but my hands no longer bind. It’s hard to believe that only a few months ago, I was almost wrist grabbing in that one. I’m back in the Ashtanga kindergarten for now.
To quote Mother Teresa:
"What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway."
Just over 2 weeks until I start teaching again.
I’ve banished all demoralising thoughts about my ability and have succumbed to accepting my fate. Teaching is an inevitable part of my journey – it will challenge me on many levels and will force me to grow up again.
I’ve been dropping off my promo leaflets around the area, and to the local cycle shops and sports stores as well. My little dog, Buffy has been following me around the streets at night while I put them into letterboxes. I handed one direct to a house owner, slightly embarrassed at being caught doing this in the middle of the night, and I felt like saying “sir, this could be junk mail or it could change your life”, but I didn’t – his fate is his choice. He got into his fancy car and put on the interior light - I guess he was reading it. As I crossed the road I wondered whether for a moment he contemplated what this strange thing called yoga might be like.
Little Buffy is 3 years old and lately she’s been overcome by a mysterious shivering. It comes on when I’m about to leave for work in the mornings and continues during the day, even if she’s covered up and warm. The shivering disappears when I get home at night. I was thinking it might be an infection or a disease or even the cold. But I’ve now been told it could be separationanxiety … poor little sweetheart. So I took her to work yesterday to keep her under observation and what do you know…no shivering. She was happy and lively all day. Separation anxiety - how bizarre.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday 2nd August 2005
Practice was moderate; I did full primary from beginning to end. Had plenty of energy today but was a bit low on strength. Funny how there’s all these special ingredients that go to make up a good practice. If I were to rate my practice out of 100 today, it would be something like this:
Energy 7
Stamina 6
Physical strength 5
Focus 7
Flow 7
Lightness 5
Enthusiasm 6
Joy 5
Tenacity 8
That’s 56 points. Then I give myself a bonus 10 points for just getting to the mat.
Which makes a total of 66 out of 100, a Credit by our school’s assessment system
CREDIT
This grade will be awarded where there is evidence that a student has undertaken all of the required core work for the module (done all poses in the sequence and not cheated) and additional work in wider areas relevant to the module (such as dropbacks, and attempted a real jumpback at least once), and has demonstrated a sound level of knowledge, understanding, competencies, or skills required for meeting module purposes and completing assessment exercises at a proficient standard.
The student would normally have attained a sound knowledge of program content (can recite the sequence of asanas by their Sanskrit name) and, as appropriate, wider thinking (read up on the 8 limbs of yoga?), and demonstrated the ability to apply a range of major approaches, methodologies (eg. chanting, Iyengar alignment) and conceptual (eg. generating internal heat to burn impurities) and technical tools (ujjiyi breathing, bandhas and drishti).
Students should have a reasonable opportunity of reaching this grade provided they have completed all course requirements, demonstrated proficiency in the full range of relevant subject matter. A score in the range of 65 – 74 will be awarded.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Saturday 30th July 2005
I managed half a practice on my own today. My motivation to practice ahs been dropping off, my resistance increasing. It’s been a psychological struggle for a couple of months. And I’ve been feeling increasingly guilty, inadequate and worried about it. If I wasn’t gearing up to teach again soon, it probably wouldn’t be such a problem.
In an effort to make up for my diminishing Ashtanga practice, I’ve been trying to do some Iyengar asana work on occasional evenings. But essentially what I’m doing is putting a bandaid on the problem instead of looking closely at the symptoms and investigating the cause.
How typical of a Westerner, wanting a quick solution that will give temporary relief. Probably comes from a fear of facing up to the underlying problem.
In the Vipassana discourses, Goenka talks about the subconscious negative tendencies we have and advises us to pull out these poisonous weeds from the roots so they won’t sprout again instead of just cutting off the tops – same thing.
This dropping off of motivation for practice has been going on for quite a while. The alarm goes off and I LOATHE getting out of bed for practice in the mornings. I make promises to others to be at practice and then I don’t show up – something I’ve never done in my life.
So now I’m at the point where I have to face up to the problem and be ruthlessly honest with myself. Funny…I imagine this is what it feels like when an alcoholic joins AA. No more hiding under the thick blanket of denial, of burying oneself in an alcoholic haze. You drag yourself out into the spotlight of honesty and awareness, and the light shows up all your imperfections and ugly little secrets.
That’s where I am today, facing the stark reality of where I really am, with no illusions. And believe me, it’s not pretty. But its OK. It's me, right now.
There's another little voice that says maybe I’m just being much too hard on myself…maybe I should lighten up...
One thing I must look at is my priorities. Or in Buddhist terms, my refuge.
In Buddhist practice we’re repeatedly questioned about where we go for refuge – for some it’s alcohol and drugs, for others it’s social contact, or home and family, for others it’s hard physical exercise that makes them feel good and gives their life meaning.
What is most important in my life, right now?
In a phone conversation with my partner yesterday, from out of nowhere I said “You’re my refuge”. I stunned myself with this intimate revelation. It came from just beneath my normal consciousness and was a desperate message seemingly blurted out by my subconscious mind so that it would be heard by my conscious mind.
I reflected on this all night. I remember on the many occasions when my partner and I have split up over the course of 5 years, there's been a strange sense of relief and an immediate refocus and return back to my spiritual practice and journey. It’s been startling. My heart has suddenly felt freed to pursue its real purpose without obstacles. And true spiritual practice requires the heart’s full devotion. My heart has to be hard wired up to the higher source so that all desires and resulting choices come from that ardent, heartfelt desire for purification, self-realisation and liberation.
Lately I’ve been investing a big part of my heart into my relationship, and with that shift in focus there's been a subtle avoidance of all responsibility towards my life’s true purpose. Sleeping in has been addictively delicious, as has indulging in a romantic dream-like state filled with grand illusions about human relationships.
So how does one compromise and have both? How can I maintain a relationship with my partner while directing the energy of my heart and mind to the journey back to God? I have to be relentless and single minded in that purpose, always.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Got to the shala at last. There were 6 others practising there this morning, holding up the fort in the absence of our teachers (David’s back in 4 weeks, and Simi in about 8 weeks I think).
Two of the girls have Amazing Grace, floaty practices, so beautiful to watch. At the end of my practice I watched one of them doing a preparation for Viparitta Chakrasana. She pushed up into Urdhva Dhanurasana with her felt close to the wall, then walked her feet up the wall and flipped them up into a full handstand before descending them through a controlled descent over her head and coming to a standing position.
The good thing about practising at the shala is there’s less likelihood of me copping out halfway through practice. The other yogis are an inspiration. I want to be that dedicated.
Marichy D has gone and I’m grieving. Even though my back feels normal again, the injury has somehow changed my physical structure and left me with an impasse to twists. It took me over a year of Ashtanga practice until Marichy D came consistently and now it looks like I have to start that process all over again. When David returns to teach the morning Mysore classes I’ll once again have to endure those horrific and traumatic adjustments into the pose. And Supta Kurmasana…my fingers touch but my hands no longer bind. It’s hard to believe that only a few months ago, I was almost wrist grabbing in that one. I’m back in the Ashtanga kindergarten for now.
To quote Mother Teresa:
"What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway."
Just over 2 weeks until I start teaching again.
I’ve banished all demoralising thoughts about my ability and have succumbed to accepting my fate. Teaching is an inevitable part of my journey – it will challenge me on many levels and will force me to grow up again.
I’ve been dropping off my promo leaflets around the area, and to the local cycle shops and sports stores as well. My little dog, Buffy has been following me around the streets at night while I put them into letterboxes. I handed one direct to a house owner, slightly embarrassed at being caught doing this in the middle of the night, and I felt like saying “sir, this could be junk mail or it could change your life”, but I didn’t – his fate is his choice. He got into his fancy car and put on the interior light - I guess he was reading it. As I crossed the road I wondered whether for a moment he contemplated what this strange thing called yoga might be like.
Little Buffy is 3 years old and lately she’s been overcome by a mysterious shivering. It comes on when I’m about to leave for work in the mornings and continues during the day, even if she’s covered up and warm. The shivering disappears when I get home at night. I was thinking it might be an infection or a disease or even the cold. But I’ve now been told it could be separationanxiety … poor little sweetheart. So I took her to work yesterday to keep her under observation and what do you know…no shivering. She was happy and lively all day. Separation anxiety - how bizarre.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday 2nd August 2005
Practice was moderate; I did full primary from beginning to end. Had plenty of energy today but was a bit low on strength. Funny how there’s all these special ingredients that go to make up a good practice. If I were to rate my practice out of 100 today, it would be something like this:
Energy 7
Stamina 6
Physical strength 5
Focus 7
Flow 7
Lightness 5
Enthusiasm 6
Joy 5
Tenacity 8
That’s 56 points. Then I give myself a bonus 10 points for just getting to the mat.
Which makes a total of 66 out of 100, a Credit by our school’s assessment system
CREDIT
This grade will be awarded where there is evidence that a student has undertaken all of the required core work for the module (done all poses in the sequence and not cheated) and additional work in wider areas relevant to the module (such as dropbacks, and attempted a real jumpback at least once), and has demonstrated a sound level of knowledge, understanding, competencies, or skills required for meeting module purposes and completing assessment exercises at a proficient standard.
The student would normally have attained a sound knowledge of program content (can recite the sequence of asanas by their Sanskrit name) and, as appropriate, wider thinking (read up on the 8 limbs of yoga?), and demonstrated the ability to apply a range of major approaches, methodologies (eg. chanting, Iyengar alignment) and conceptual (eg. generating internal heat to burn impurities) and technical tools (ujjiyi breathing, bandhas and drishti).
Students should have a reasonable opportunity of reaching this grade provided they have completed all course requirements, demonstrated proficiency in the full range of relevant subject matter. A score in the range of 65 – 74 will be awarded.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Saturday 30th July 2005
I managed half a practice on my own today. My motivation to practice ahs been dropping off, my resistance increasing. It’s been a psychological struggle for a couple of months. And I’ve been feeling increasingly guilty, inadequate and worried about it. If I wasn’t gearing up to teach again soon, it probably wouldn’t be such a problem.
In an effort to make up for my diminishing Ashtanga practice, I’ve been trying to do some Iyengar asana work on occasional evenings. But essentially what I’m doing is putting a bandaid on the problem instead of looking closely at the symptoms and investigating the cause.
How typical of a Westerner, wanting a quick solution that will give temporary relief. Probably comes from a fear of facing up to the underlying problem.
In the Vipassana discourses, Goenka talks about the subconscious negative tendencies we have and advises us to pull out these poisonous weeds from the roots so they won’t sprout again instead of just cutting off the tops – same thing.
This dropping off of motivation for practice has been going on for quite a while. The alarm goes off and I LOATHE getting out of bed for practice in the mornings. I make promises to others to be at practice and then I don’t show up – something I’ve never done in my life.
So now I’m at the point where I have to face up to the problem and be ruthlessly honest with myself. Funny…I imagine this is what it feels like when an alcoholic joins AA. No more hiding under the thick blanket of denial, of burying oneself in an alcoholic haze. You drag yourself out into the spotlight of honesty and awareness, and the light shows up all your imperfections and ugly little secrets.
That’s where I am today, facing the stark reality of where I really am, with no illusions. And believe me, it’s not pretty. But its OK. It's me, right now.
There's another little voice that says maybe I’m just being much too hard on myself…maybe I should lighten up...
One thing I must look at is my priorities. Or in Buddhist terms, my refuge.
In Buddhist practice we’re repeatedly questioned about where we go for refuge – for some it’s alcohol and drugs, for others it’s social contact, or home and family, for others it’s hard physical exercise that makes them feel good and gives their life meaning.
What is most important in my life, right now?
In a phone conversation with my partner yesterday, from out of nowhere I said “You’re my refuge”. I stunned myself with this intimate revelation. It came from just beneath my normal consciousness and was a desperate message seemingly blurted out by my subconscious mind so that it would be heard by my conscious mind.
I reflected on this all night. I remember on the many occasions when my partner and I have split up over the course of 5 years, there's been a strange sense of relief and an immediate refocus and return back to my spiritual practice and journey. It’s been startling. My heart has suddenly felt freed to pursue its real purpose without obstacles. And true spiritual practice requires the heart’s full devotion. My heart has to be hard wired up to the higher source so that all desires and resulting choices come from that ardent, heartfelt desire for purification, self-realisation and liberation.
Lately I’ve been investing a big part of my heart into my relationship, and with that shift in focus there's been a subtle avoidance of all responsibility towards my life’s true purpose. Sleeping in has been addictively delicious, as has indulging in a romantic dream-like state filled with grand illusions about human relationships.
So how does one compromise and have both? How can I maintain a relationship with my partner while directing the energy of my heart and mind to the journey back to God? I have to be relentless and single minded in that purpose, always.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
