Diary of a yoga nobodhi

Wednesday 3rd August 2005

Got to the shala at last. There were 6 others practising there this morning, holding up the fort in the absence of our teachers (David’s back in 4 weeks, and Simi in about 8 weeks I think).
Two of the girls have Amazing Grace, floaty practices, so beautiful to watch. At the end of my practice I watched one of them doing a preparation for Viparitta Chakrasana. She pushed up into Urdhva Dhanurasana with her felt close to the wall, then walked her feet up the wall and flipped them up into a full handstand before descending them through a controlled descent over her head and coming to a standing position.
The good thing about practising at the shala is there’s less likelihood of me copping out halfway through practice. The other yogis are an inspiration. I want to be that dedicated.

Marichy D has gone and I’m grieving. Even though my back feels normal again, the injury has somehow changed my physical structure and left me with an impasse to twists. It took me over a year of Ashtanga practice until Marichy D came consistently and now it looks like I have to start that process all over again. When David returns to teach the morning Mysore classes I’ll once again have to endure those horrific and traumatic adjustments into the pose. And Supta Kurmasana…my fingers touch but my hands no longer bind. It’s hard to believe that only a few months ago, I was almost wrist grabbing in that one. I’m back in the Ashtanga kindergarten for now.
To quote Mother Teresa:
"What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway."

Just over 2 weeks until I start teaching again.
I’ve banished all demoralising thoughts about my ability and have succumbed to accepting my fate. Teaching is an inevitable part of my journey – it will challenge me on many levels and will force me to grow up again.
I’ve been dropping off my promo leaflets around the area, and to the local cycle shops and sports stores as well. My little dog, Buffy has been following me around the streets at night while I put them into letterboxes. I handed one direct to a house owner, slightly embarrassed at being caught doing this in the middle of the night, and I felt like saying “sir, this could be junk mail or it could change your life”, but I didn’t – his fate is his choice. He got into his fancy car and put on the interior light - I guess he was reading it. As I crossed the road I wondered whether for a moment he contemplated what this strange thing called yoga might be like.

Little Buffy is 3 years old and lately she’s been overcome by a mysterious shivering. It comes on when I’m about to leave for work in the mornings and continues during the day, even if she’s covered up and warm. The shivering disappears when I get home at night. I was thinking it might be an infection or a disease or even the cold. But I’ve now been told it could be separationanxiety … poor little sweetheart. So I took her to work yesterday to keep her under observation and what do you know…no shivering. She was happy and lively all day. Separation anxiety - how bizarre.

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Tuesday 2nd August 2005

Practice was moderate; I did full primary from beginning to end. Had plenty of energy today but was a bit low on strength. Funny how there’s all these special ingredients that go to make up a good practice. If I were to rate my practice out of 100 today, it would be something like this:
Energy 7
Stamina 6
Physical strength 5
Focus 7
Flow 7
Lightness 5
Enthusiasm 6
Joy 5
Tenacity 8

That’s 56 points. Then I give myself a bonus 10 points for just getting to the mat.
Which makes a total of 66 out of 100, a Credit by our school’s assessment system

CREDIT
This grade will be awarded where there is evidence that a student has undertaken all of the required core work for the module (done all poses in the sequence and not cheated) and additional work in wider areas relevant to the module (such as dropbacks, and attempted a real jumpback at least once), and has demonstrated a sound level of knowledge, understanding, competencies, or skills required for meeting module purposes and completing assessment exercises at a proficient standard.
The student would normally have attained a sound knowledge of program content (can recite the sequence of asanas by their Sanskrit name) and, as appropriate, wider thinking (read up on the 8 limbs of yoga?), and demonstrated the ability to apply a range of major approaches, methodologies (eg. chanting, Iyengar alignment) and conceptual (eg. generating internal heat to burn impurities) and technical tools (ujjiyi breathing, bandhas and drishti).
Students should have a reasonable opportunity of reaching this grade provided they have completed all course requirements, demonstrated proficiency in the full range of relevant subject matter. A score in the range of 65 – 74 will be awarded.

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Saturday 30th July 2005

I managed half a practice on my own today. My motivation to practice ahs been dropping off, my resistance increasing. It’s been a psychological struggle for a couple of months. And I’ve been feeling increasingly guilty, inadequate and worried about it. If I wasn’t gearing up to teach again soon, it probably wouldn’t be such a problem.

In an effort to make up for my diminishing Ashtanga practice, I’ve been trying to do some Iyengar asana work on occasional evenings. But essentially what I’m doing is putting a bandaid on the problem instead of looking closely at the symptoms and investigating the cause.
How typical of a Westerner, wanting a quick solution that will give temporary relief. Probably comes from a fear of facing up to the underlying problem.

In the Vipassana discourses, Goenka talks about the subconscious negative tendencies we have and advises us to pull out these poisonous weeds from the roots so they won’t sprout again instead of just cutting off the tops – same thing.

This dropping off of motivation for practice has been going on for quite a while. The alarm goes off and I LOATHE getting out of bed for practice in the mornings. I make promises to others to be at practice and then I don’t show up – something I’ve never done in my life.

So now I’m at the point where I have to face up to the problem and be ruthlessly honest with myself. Funny…I imagine this is what it feels like when an alcoholic joins AA. No more hiding under the thick blanket of denial, of burying oneself in an alcoholic haze. You drag yourself out into the spotlight of honesty and awareness, and the light shows up all your imperfections and ugly little secrets.
That’s where I am today, facing the stark reality of where I really am, with no illusions. And believe me, it’s not pretty. But its OK. It's me, right now.

There's another little voice that says maybe I’m just being much too hard on myself…maybe I should lighten up...

One thing I must look at is my priorities. Or in Buddhist terms, my refuge.
In Buddhist practice we’re repeatedly questioned about where we go for refuge – for some it’s alcohol and drugs, for others it’s social contact, or home and family, for others it’s hard physical exercise that makes them feel good and gives their life meaning.

What is most important in my life, right now?

In a phone conversation with my partner yesterday, from out of nowhere I said “You’re my refuge”. I stunned myself with this intimate revelation. It came from just beneath my normal consciousness and was a desperate message seemingly blurted out by my subconscious mind so that it would be heard by my conscious mind.
I reflected on this all night. I remember on the many occasions when my partner and I have split up over the course of 5 years, there's been a strange sense of relief and an immediate refocus and return back to my spiritual practice and journey. It’s been startling. My heart has suddenly felt freed to pursue its real purpose without obstacles. And true spiritual practice requires the heart’s full devotion. My heart has to be hard wired up to the higher source so that all desires and resulting choices come from that ardent, heartfelt desire for purification, self-realisation and liberation.
Lately I’ve been investing a big part of my heart into my relationship, and with that shift in focus there's been a subtle avoidance of all responsibility towards my life’s true purpose. Sleeping in has been addictively delicious, as has indulging in a romantic dream-like state filled with grand illusions about human relationships.
So how does one compromise and have both? How can I maintain a relationship with my partner while directing the energy of my heart and mind to the journey back to God? I have to be relentless and single minded in that purpose, always.

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