Diary of a yoga nobodhi

Saturday 6th August 2005

Practice
I sort of expected to be practising on my own in the Gallery this morning. I set up the heaters, the mat and the blankets with this lovely feeling of joyful anticipation as if I was finally coming home to practice after an extended absence of leave. Approaching the practice in that frame of mind releases a lot of the burden and tension around it. You’re not forcing yourself to do it, you really WANT to be there, and you’re there in a very open, present, non-expectant, contented kind of way.
I put on my favourite CD (Indian chants) and as soon as I started the Surja Namaskars, I knew it would be one of those intimate practices. My consciousness gradually engulfed my body. I was participating from deep within every movement, watching and working at the same time. Each pose, each vinyasa, each minute movement and adjustment was magnified through a kaleidoscopic awareness. My movements and breath were very slow today, elongated and strong allowing extra time to work deliberately in each pose.

In the first move of Surja A, raising my arms to the side and up, I observed the effect on my shoulders at that transition point where the hands begin to turn from face down to face up and the arms rotate. My problem right shoulder gets momentarily caught at that point. I made a determined effort to even up this shoulder action so the limp one mirrors the good one with the innocent hope that the action might lodge into my shoulder consciousness over time and banish the nasty gremlins that have invaded that joint.

In another determined effort to break some bad habits, I tried springing up high and from Downward Dog and hovering for a moment before touching my feet down lightly into Uttanasana. Needs work, but the first step is always trying.

In Surja B I sunk more deeply than usual into Utkatasana, pressed more into my heels, rolled my triceps inwards, then drew in a deep Uddiyana and Mula Bandha for the fold into Uttanasana. Another point I’m working on in Surja B (when I remember) is trying to keep my hands flat on the floor when stepping the feet forward to the Virabhadrasana A (lunge) position. I’d normally lift the base of both hands off the floor but when I apply the effort, only one hand lifts off a bit.

From there it was a strong grounded standing pose practice. Every pose was turned on to full power – authentic, honest , real. A little eerie in fact. It was like I had an eagle eyed teacher right next to me, watching , correcting and adjusting me in every pose. Early on in my yoga training, I did a few classes where I was the only one who turned up and it was pretty full on. There’s no cheating, nowhere to hide. He’s watching you full time and teasing out your weaknesses. It can be emotionally intense and quite draining. But you really work to your fullest and progress through some physical and mental barriers at breakneck speed. Those were the good old days.

But this morning that teacher’s eagle eye was there, glaring and piercing into every pose, correcting and adjusting me, bringing the weaknesses to my attention. I feel like I’m now having to deconstruct my practice and rebuild it from the beginning again. It’s fallen apart on many levels over the last couple of months and I’ve been really struggling to resurrect any motivation. Doing the same practice with the same attitude over and over just isn’t working anymore.
The Ashtanga system isn’t going to make me into a super-yogi - that much I’ve accepted. It’s been a very unrealistic expectation (as all expectations are) and wanting to be a super-yogi (we're talking ego and asana here) made me lose sight of the inner comfort and ease that is the starting point for a solid practice.

The practice I did today was my very own. It was slower, there was no real flow to it. It wasn’t a standard Ashtanga workout but it was a strong, connected asana practice.
Working surgically in each standing pose made me pretty shaky and I had to take rest in Uttanasana occasionally to regain strength and composure.

It took me one hour to get to Dandasana.

I started Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana by holding an open twist - with the left leg straight and the right leg in Padmasana, right hand holding right foot and left hand holding left foot), I stayed upright and kept my hips square while twisting to the right working here for 5 breaths before coming back to centre and folding forward into the traditional pose.
After that, my energy and focus began leaking away and I started to think about finishing, but decided instead to fast forward to the Marichyasanas. Funny how you can justify missing a few poses if the alternative is giving up and going straight to the finishing inversions.
Marichy A, B and C were pretty deep so I thought I’d cash in on my luck and go for Marichyasana D. I gave it my best shot, taking the first leg into my deepest Padmasana, then bit by bit (and I mean in minute increments) the twist started to come from deep in the hip joint. Hands got close then fingers touched, so I grabbed a strap and did it again holding the strap between my hands to open up all those closed parts that are rebelling against the twist. In the absence of a teacher to pull me into it, a strap will have to do.
My usual lazy approach to Marichy D has been to hook my left hand under my right standing foot so going for the full pose was good progress. The willingness to go further into that uncomfortable scary unknown zone OF MY OWN FREE WILL and not under the sufferance of a teacher’s directive, is the stuff that legends are made of.
After 3 backbends and the finishing poses, I sat in Padmasana feeling very different, very satisfied.
Yoga. The never ending journey inward continues…

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________