Friday 1st October 2004
Maybe I’m just going through a bad patch. Maybe I’m just getting old(er).
I look at long time Ashtangis, mostly teachers I guess - my teachers and the more famous ones – they have such incredibly open bodies. I wonder if they too spent the initial years struggling through injuries and questioning the practice. Stories about people like Lino Miele who went through agony in their early years of practice give me hope.
So a year and a half into the practice, I take heart in reflecting on the poses I can easily do now which I couldn’t do when I started Ashtanga:
the bound version of Parivritta Parsvakonasana, Marichyasana D, Garbha Pindasana;
I can lift my heels off the floor in Kurmasana, get my chin to the floor in Baddha Konasana and Upavista Konasana and achieve a good height and balance in Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana – consistently; I can balance in good, strong Handstand, and hold the 5 Navasanas for the 5 breaths, lifting to Tolasana between each one . And the ultimate Primary series achievement of dropping back to Urdhva Dhanurasana and coming back up again.
(not that achieving poses is important BUT it is a sign that the mind/body is opening up, and for me, releasing these physical blocks corresponds to the release of mental/emotional ones).
BUT (yes another but) the flexibility in my right knee has deteriorated rather dramatically over the last year, my left shoulder joint at times is so tender that I can’t lift my arm up to take off my top after practice – undoubtedly from all the jump throughs and chaturangas; I usually wake up at 5am feeling SO STIFF that it takes me a couple of minutes to actually get out of bed.
Then I get on the mat, and do whatever I can on the day. Most days it’s full Primary, with dropbacks on the better days; occasionally I can do some second series poses, occasionally I crash out partway through Primary and that’s usually OK, occasionally it’s not OK when I think I could have gone further, or done better, if only my will were stronger.
I hate to admit it but most mornings before practice I question why I’m doing it.
And yet if I don't listen to this and just get up and DO IT, the doubt disappears - there's no question about it. It’s clear, and it's awesome...
So I keep practicing – 4-5 days a week. Devotion to the Ashtanga practice takes great Faith, but when Doubt creeps in, it seems like a huge experiment with the very fabric of my life. And failure will leave its scars imprinted forever on my physical body. Either the repetitive practice will work all the impurities out of me (all is coming) or I’ll end up crippled for life!
Faith versus Doubt.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Maybe I’m just going through a bad patch. Maybe I’m just getting old(er).
I look at long time Ashtangis, mostly teachers I guess - my teachers and the more famous ones – they have such incredibly open bodies. I wonder if they too spent the initial years struggling through injuries and questioning the practice. Stories about people like Lino Miele who went through agony in their early years of practice give me hope.
So a year and a half into the practice, I take heart in reflecting on the poses I can easily do now which I couldn’t do when I started Ashtanga:
the bound version of Parivritta Parsvakonasana, Marichyasana D, Garbha Pindasana;
I can lift my heels off the floor in Kurmasana, get my chin to the floor in Baddha Konasana and Upavista Konasana and achieve a good height and balance in Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana – consistently; I can balance in good, strong Handstand, and hold the 5 Navasanas for the 5 breaths, lifting to Tolasana between each one . And the ultimate Primary series achievement of dropping back to Urdhva Dhanurasana and coming back up again.
(not that achieving poses is important BUT it is a sign that the mind/body is opening up, and for me, releasing these physical blocks corresponds to the release of mental/emotional ones).
BUT (yes another but) the flexibility in my right knee has deteriorated rather dramatically over the last year, my left shoulder joint at times is so tender that I can’t lift my arm up to take off my top after practice – undoubtedly from all the jump throughs and chaturangas; I usually wake up at 5am feeling SO STIFF that it takes me a couple of minutes to actually get out of bed.
Then I get on the mat, and do whatever I can on the day. Most days it’s full Primary, with dropbacks on the better days; occasionally I can do some second series poses, occasionally I crash out partway through Primary and that’s usually OK, occasionally it’s not OK when I think I could have gone further, or done better, if only my will were stronger.
I hate to admit it but most mornings before practice I question why I’m doing it.
And yet if I don't listen to this and just get up and DO IT, the doubt disappears - there's no question about it. It’s clear, and it's awesome...
So I keep practicing – 4-5 days a week. Devotion to the Ashtanga practice takes great Faith, but when Doubt creeps in, it seems like a huge experiment with the very fabric of my life. And failure will leave its scars imprinted forever on my physical body. Either the repetitive practice will work all the impurities out of me (all is coming) or I’ll end up crippled for life!
Faith versus Doubt.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Wednesday 15th September 2004
Renate, Sascha and I had a girls night out last night (for us yogis unfortunately that doesn’t mean the pub). We went together to an Ashtanga class, then had dinner at Renates and watched a video (not even a schmaltzy movie, but a documentary exploring the connection between religious experiences and the temporal lobes of the brain). I’ve definitely turned into a socially boring yoga geek.
So we got to Simi’s shala in time for the 5.45pm class. Renate and Sascha had never been there before, in fact neither of them had ever done a ‘real’ Ashtanga class before, and this turned out to be a Mysore session. It was only the second time I’d done an evening Ashtanga practice. On the rare occasions I do yoga in the evenings, its usually restorative stuff. Ashtanga for me feels better in the mornings even though my body’s so much stiffer.
Renate thought the shala was very Indian, not because of the decorations, but more the busyness of it all; lots of visual stimuli around the walls, music playing, a loud and constant trickling from the water feature, a baby in the corner crying all through the practice, heavy footsteps all over the place during Savasana etc… Focus was impossible.
And all the cards were stacked against me last night. I’d already done a practice in the morning, then gone straight to work, finished work at 5pm and gone straight to the shala. I ate lunch late and had 2 strong espressos yesterday. On top of that, it’s day 2 of my period so I shouldn’t have been practicing at all. To top it off, I ignored my better judgement and did all the finishing inversions in the class as well.
The practice itself flew by quickly, no magic moments. I seemed to be shaky all the way through thanks to the caffeine overdose. I felt a bit grotty and smelly coming straight from work, and my feet were clammy from 8 hours in boots (which caused me great embarrassment when Simi assisted me in Utthita Padangusthasana). Simi actually gave me quite a few of the standard assists. I bound well in Marichyasana D, held it for 5 breaths, then she came over, moved me deeper into it and I had to stay in it for another eternity. She went off to assist someone else while I vinyasad to Marichy D on the second side, bound again and held it for 5 breaths, and again she came over to assist me at the end of my stay, so it was a massive quadruple time in Marichy D. INTENSE. Got assisted in Garbha Pindasana - the full lotus version with hands cupping chin then onto forehead, then she spun me around for the 360.
Did a few solo dropbacks, a few assisted ones, then a few assisted handstand dropbacks which I really miss.
But overall it was a weakish practice. I managed to do the entire practice with no bandhas at all, which was predictable really considering my period and all the distractions – no internal focus whatsoever.
This morning I’d planned to do a practice in the Gallery, but woke up pretty fragile from last night’s class even though I didn’t work anywhere near my maximum, so I cancelled the Gallery practice at 5.30am and went back to sleep. I’d forgotten about the post practice pains. It’s not so much muscular but more like nerve aches. I think being adjusted deeply into poses must somehow stretch and stress the nerves in their channels. Anyway, that’s what it feels like today, and I haven’t felt that in all these months of doing my own practice.
It hurts…but it’s great.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Monday 13th September
I was planning to go to David’s Mysore class this morning, having not been to a Mysore class for over 4 months, but got sabotaged yet again, this time by the start of my period.
Monday of last week I was a bit wiped out from surfing the day before (yeah a weak excuse I know), and the Monday before that it was a full moon day. Surely there must be an end to these Monday morning obstacles. Something seems to come up every single Monday that prevents me from going, so I figure the timing isn’t right and divine reasoning prevails.
But the repeated postponement is just making me more eager and determined to get there. Like the invisible yearning you feel when you’re separated from your lover – sweet misery. ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’.
So the momentum’s building up and it will happen when it’s supposed to.
Sometimes on these first period days, I don’t practice at all; other times I’ll do a few soft menstrual floor poses over bolsters, and sometimes I don’t feel any different so I practice as usual minus the inversions. But today, instead of a physical practice, I sat for 45 minutes in meditation before going off to work. This was a continuum from yesterday, since I had such a nice sitting yesterday morning after a leisurely Sunday sleep in. It’s nice to come back to stillness again, but it takes time to get there when you’re out of practice.
This morning it took me half an hour of returning over and over to the breath, reining the mind back to the breath as a focus point, until it finally conceded defeat and quietened allowing the meditative state to arise. The process resembles breaking in a wild stallion.
The many different paths to enlightenment
From what I can gather, regular meditation is at the heart of most spiritual practices.
I’ve often contemplated the difference between the Yoga path to samadhi and the Buddhist path to enlightenment.
In one sense, asana and pranayama are preparations for the more refined inner practices of mind purification. Initially working with the body (through asana work), we become aware of our grosser physical responses, feeling out the increasingly subtle physical and physiological changes; gaining in sensitivity, we can then begin to detect and navigate the ebb and flow of energy throughout the body in pranayama. From there it’s a natural progression to start observing the moment by moment fluctuations of our mind and emotions. We first observe all of these things, watching, witnessing, remaining detached, then with the awareness that bring, we can begin the work of transformation, making the necessary changes to modify behaviour, let go of bad habits both physical and mental, and move towards living an enlightened life.
It’s a logical kind of learning curve, from the outer to the inner.
The Buddhist path sort of throws you in at the deep end; right from the start you’re forced to sit and look at your mental processes. Seems to me it works in reverse order to the yoga path: you start by cleaning up the inside (mind), and then the outside (lifestyle) begins to change for the better.
I know that when my thoughts are more pure, more positive, more altruistic, then my motivations, decisions, responses and actions all come from a balanced mind and loving heart, and my life falls in synch with the universal intelligence.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Saturday 11th September 2004
It’s been a really good, solid week of practice - Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday I powered through a full, pure Primary series each morning, then did a strong Iyengar session on Friday with lots of long holdings, and another Ashtanga practice this morning with Kosta and the other two teachers at the studio (Kosta and I did Ashtanga while the others did their own practice – an eclectic combo of Shandor’s Shadow yoga and Donna Farhi’s current interpretation of yoga).
After four consecutively strong daily practices, I was feeling a bit ragged around the edges at work on Friday afternoon and not sure I’d be up to the teachers practice this morning. So it was a nice surprise to wake up feeling quite energetic this morning.
Bound on both sides in Marichy D for the first time in a couple of weeks, then went on to make history by rolling up to Urdhva Paschimottanasana with legs straight for the very first time. How I did it is a mystery, so sadly it’s not like I finally worked out the equation, applied it and got results; more like a total fluke. Can I fluke it again? Hmmmmm, I wonder. What I do know is how you can get a pose and then lose it again. Sometimes you can even ‘have’ a pose for weeks or months, then lose it again. It’s a fickle thing, this Ashtanga – no attachment allowed.
Attempted Pasasana half heartedly and bound on both sides for a second or two before oops, the elbow slipped over the knee. But by that time I wasn’t even trying so I wasn’t expecting to get into it at all. Just sort of threw in the pose for the fun of it really, not counting it in as part of the practice. Given that attitude, it would have been a waste of energy to go further into second series so I called it quits after Pasasana, did a good set of Urdhva Ds, working progressively deeper into each subsequent holding, then a few dropbacks and the finishing poses.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Renate, Sascha and I had a girls night out last night (for us yogis unfortunately that doesn’t mean the pub). We went together to an Ashtanga class, then had dinner at Renates and watched a video (not even a schmaltzy movie, but a documentary exploring the connection between religious experiences and the temporal lobes of the brain). I’ve definitely turned into a socially boring yoga geek.
So we got to Simi’s shala in time for the 5.45pm class. Renate and Sascha had never been there before, in fact neither of them had ever done a ‘real’ Ashtanga class before, and this turned out to be a Mysore session. It was only the second time I’d done an evening Ashtanga practice. On the rare occasions I do yoga in the evenings, its usually restorative stuff. Ashtanga for me feels better in the mornings even though my body’s so much stiffer.
Renate thought the shala was very Indian, not because of the decorations, but more the busyness of it all; lots of visual stimuli around the walls, music playing, a loud and constant trickling from the water feature, a baby in the corner crying all through the practice, heavy footsteps all over the place during Savasana etc… Focus was impossible.
And all the cards were stacked against me last night. I’d already done a practice in the morning, then gone straight to work, finished work at 5pm and gone straight to the shala. I ate lunch late and had 2 strong espressos yesterday. On top of that, it’s day 2 of my period so I shouldn’t have been practicing at all. To top it off, I ignored my better judgement and did all the finishing inversions in the class as well.
The practice itself flew by quickly, no magic moments. I seemed to be shaky all the way through thanks to the caffeine overdose. I felt a bit grotty and smelly coming straight from work, and my feet were clammy from 8 hours in boots (which caused me great embarrassment when Simi assisted me in Utthita Padangusthasana). Simi actually gave me quite a few of the standard assists. I bound well in Marichyasana D, held it for 5 breaths, then she came over, moved me deeper into it and I had to stay in it for another eternity. She went off to assist someone else while I vinyasad to Marichy D on the second side, bound again and held it for 5 breaths, and again she came over to assist me at the end of my stay, so it was a massive quadruple time in Marichy D. INTENSE. Got assisted in Garbha Pindasana - the full lotus version with hands cupping chin then onto forehead, then she spun me around for the 360.
Did a few solo dropbacks, a few assisted ones, then a few assisted handstand dropbacks which I really miss.
But overall it was a weakish practice. I managed to do the entire practice with no bandhas at all, which was predictable really considering my period and all the distractions – no internal focus whatsoever.
This morning I’d planned to do a practice in the Gallery, but woke up pretty fragile from last night’s class even though I didn’t work anywhere near my maximum, so I cancelled the Gallery practice at 5.30am and went back to sleep. I’d forgotten about the post practice pains. It’s not so much muscular but more like nerve aches. I think being adjusted deeply into poses must somehow stretch and stress the nerves in their channels. Anyway, that’s what it feels like today, and I haven’t felt that in all these months of doing my own practice.
It hurts…but it’s great.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Monday 13th September
I was planning to go to David’s Mysore class this morning, having not been to a Mysore class for over 4 months, but got sabotaged yet again, this time by the start of my period.
Monday of last week I was a bit wiped out from surfing the day before (yeah a weak excuse I know), and the Monday before that it was a full moon day. Surely there must be an end to these Monday morning obstacles. Something seems to come up every single Monday that prevents me from going, so I figure the timing isn’t right and divine reasoning prevails.
But the repeated postponement is just making me more eager and determined to get there. Like the invisible yearning you feel when you’re separated from your lover – sweet misery. ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’.
So the momentum’s building up and it will happen when it’s supposed to.
Sometimes on these first period days, I don’t practice at all; other times I’ll do a few soft menstrual floor poses over bolsters, and sometimes I don’t feel any different so I practice as usual minus the inversions. But today, instead of a physical practice, I sat for 45 minutes in meditation before going off to work. This was a continuum from yesterday, since I had such a nice sitting yesterday morning after a leisurely Sunday sleep in. It’s nice to come back to stillness again, but it takes time to get there when you’re out of practice.
This morning it took me half an hour of returning over and over to the breath, reining the mind back to the breath as a focus point, until it finally conceded defeat and quietened allowing the meditative state to arise. The process resembles breaking in a wild stallion.
The many different paths to enlightenment
From what I can gather, regular meditation is at the heart of most spiritual practices.
I’ve often contemplated the difference between the Yoga path to samadhi and the Buddhist path to enlightenment.
In one sense, asana and pranayama are preparations for the more refined inner practices of mind purification. Initially working with the body (through asana work), we become aware of our grosser physical responses, feeling out the increasingly subtle physical and physiological changes; gaining in sensitivity, we can then begin to detect and navigate the ebb and flow of energy throughout the body in pranayama. From there it’s a natural progression to start observing the moment by moment fluctuations of our mind and emotions. We first observe all of these things, watching, witnessing, remaining detached, then with the awareness that bring, we can begin the work of transformation, making the necessary changes to modify behaviour, let go of bad habits both physical and mental, and move towards living an enlightened life.
It’s a logical kind of learning curve, from the outer to the inner.
The Buddhist path sort of throws you in at the deep end; right from the start you’re forced to sit and look at your mental processes. Seems to me it works in reverse order to the yoga path: you start by cleaning up the inside (mind), and then the outside (lifestyle) begins to change for the better.
I know that when my thoughts are more pure, more positive, more altruistic, then my motivations, decisions, responses and actions all come from a balanced mind and loving heart, and my life falls in synch with the universal intelligence.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Saturday 11th September 2004
It’s been a really good, solid week of practice - Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday I powered through a full, pure Primary series each morning, then did a strong Iyengar session on Friday with lots of long holdings, and another Ashtanga practice this morning with Kosta and the other two teachers at the studio (Kosta and I did Ashtanga while the others did their own practice – an eclectic combo of Shandor’s Shadow yoga and Donna Farhi’s current interpretation of yoga).
After four consecutively strong daily practices, I was feeling a bit ragged around the edges at work on Friday afternoon and not sure I’d be up to the teachers practice this morning. So it was a nice surprise to wake up feeling quite energetic this morning.
Bound on both sides in Marichy D for the first time in a couple of weeks, then went on to make history by rolling up to Urdhva Paschimottanasana with legs straight for the very first time. How I did it is a mystery, so sadly it’s not like I finally worked out the equation, applied it and got results; more like a total fluke. Can I fluke it again? Hmmmmm, I wonder. What I do know is how you can get a pose and then lose it again. Sometimes you can even ‘have’ a pose for weeks or months, then lose it again. It’s a fickle thing, this Ashtanga – no attachment allowed.
Attempted Pasasana half heartedly and bound on both sides for a second or two before oops, the elbow slipped over the knee. But by that time I wasn’t even trying so I wasn’t expecting to get into it at all. Just sort of threw in the pose for the fun of it really, not counting it in as part of the practice. Given that attitude, it would have been a waste of energy to go further into second series so I called it quits after Pasasana, did a good set of Urdhva Ds, working progressively deeper into each subsequent holding, then a few dropbacks and the finishing poses.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
The gallery space where we practice. At the moment our practice begins with the sacred chant to the lampshades, but a new exhibition will be going up next week which should be just paintings and drawings on the walls.
Monday 6th September
Nup…didn’t go to the Mysore class this morning.
Instead I took the puppy for a walk at sunrise, came back, did a few stretches, sat in meditation for half an hour with tired puppy on my lap, then got ready for work. Maybe next Monday.
Surfing was great yesterday apart from getting caught in the rip a few times and whisked out into the watery blue yonder. If I was a big strong pro surfer I'd use the rips to get out quickly to the back waves, but I'm not, so when I suddenly find myself out there with the pro surfers and the big waves out the back, I don't stay. Maybe next time.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Friday 3rd September
Sick and tired
Yesterday I opened up the Gallery for practice, set everything up, joined Angie and Sasha G (just back from a week in Bali) for the opening chant and the surjanamaskars. Noticed a strange feeling each time I jumped from Dog pose to Uttanasana, kinda disorientated and dizzy, so I was pretty stuffed by the end of them. Persisted up to Prasaritta D, then lost the plot sitting down into Samakonasana. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get up again. Anchored like cement. Well at least I gave it my best shot this morning.
The others kept going while I rolled up two thick blankets into a pseudo bolster and did all the Iyengar restorative poses I could remember, interspersing each one with Supta Balasana (that’s a guess at the name) laying on my back, knees bent up into chest, arms wrapped around my legs in a quiet, protective, foetal position, close to the earth…the ultimate anti-Ashtanga pose.
On days when everything closes down like this you’re forced to reflect on why.
After practice I went home, rang in sick at work and spent most of the day in bed.
First thoughts of the day
The first indication of your state of mind and wellbeing is the thoughts you wake up with when that alarm goes off in the morning.
I remember reading how each time we fall asleep, we metaphorically die because we fall unconscious every night. What if, each time we fell asleep, there was no guarantee we’d regain consciousness?
I like to remind myself of this when the alarm goes off at 5.10am and I open my eyes – giving thanks that I’m alive again – reborn, resurrected, a new person – and I’ve got one more day on earth.
Thankfully there’s no practice with Kosta tomorrow morning (he’s doing a weekend workshop with Alan Goode). I probably need to rest a lot more than I think I do, but I’ll ignore that sensible thought on Sunday because we’re going surfing.
Surfing will probably wipe me out totally - there’s a lot paddling at our usual break because the waves roll in pretty constantly with no rest in between, so there’s a big question mark about whether I’ll be up to Mysore class with David on Monday. I wonder how long I can put it off, before I get sick of making excuses.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Wednesday 1st September 2004
Just a few practice notes from today:
Surjanamaskars
Had a rather labour intensive start but gradually built up a nice momentum towards the end of the surjanamaskar Bs. I’ve discovered a special little spot in surjanamaska B in the transition from Virabhadrasana A to the Chaturange Dandasana position. When reaching the momentary pinnacle of Virabhadrasana A, I ground down through the back foot really consciously and consistently while moving down to the Chaturanga Dandasana position. It gets released at the very last moment when theback heel has to lift and swivel back. Maybe this is pada bandha, as the grounding of that back foot during the transition seems to give rise to a current of energy that connects with mula bandha into a full body engagement.
Lowering to Chaturanga becomes different – lighter, firmer, stronger, more precise.
Focussing on that back foot while moving the rest of the body also imbues the transitional movement with as much attention and importance as the place I’m moving towards. Every moment becomes equally alive and sacred.
Being Wednesday, Angie did a short practice (to Navasana) because she had to leave early for work. When we finished the five Navasanas, I took advantage of the pause, laid out flat and had a momentary rest (well it was more like a minute really) while contemplating whether to finish there as well. It would have been easy since I’ve been taking the easy way out at just about every opportunity lately. But somehow I jumped that hurdle and went on. Bhujangasana to Tittibhasana to Bakasana and then a spectacular collapse of my weak shoulders trying to spring from Bakasana to Chaturanga (today’s version was spreadeagled flat on the floor). Let out a raspberry and a giggle then I was off again…good Kurmasana today.
Supta Kurmasana
What’s happening here? For the first time in my Ashtanga history, I didn’t even attempt this pose. Felt a bit like a child refusing to eat their Brussells Sprouts, mouth stubbornly clenched shut. YUK. NO WAY JOSE. That’s how it felt. A sort of "I’m not doing it and you can’t make me" attitude. I think my Supta Kurmasana has regressed over the past few months, hand binding is not so tight, feet not so close and I've definitely been giving up on it too easily.
Skipping the pose on purpose is, without doubt, a big red warning sign that my practice needs a major service and tune up. But I know it’s really my attitude that needs the overhaul. The need to be challenged, pushed, deconstructed and humbled is fast approaching.
But after Kurmasana the practice started to ripen into a gorgeous fullness - from Baddha Konasana right through to the finishing poses…my breath progressively slowed down, so much so that I had to cut down to 4 breaths in each pose. Every breath was imbued with meaning that spread throughout my body and filled my cells. A meditative silence pervaded through the beginning, middle and end of each vinyasa, and the invisible breath of the universe pulsed life into each pose.
When the familiarity of the poses slips away and the practice moves into another dimension, I am struck silent.
Sarvangasana
Mulabandha is coming into this pose in a big way for me now. I get into the pose and search for it. It hides from me until bit by bit I adjust the pose to that ‘ah ha’ spot, breastbone vertical, thoracic spine pressed deeply forward, front hips rising to the max, sacrum pressed forward, quads pressed back. All these bring the pose to a perfectly vertical alignment through the core (Godfrey Devereaux describes the core as running from the anus to the upper palate). Most days I can find it and the flow of energy initiated by mulabandha kicks in strongly, flushing through and illuminating what I imagine to be the length of the sushumna nadi. As my strength and focus in the pose waxes and wanes, I lose it and find it again. Sometimes it just keeps wavering like a slippery fish I can’t catch, but sometimes I can sustain the focus and know that my subtle body is absorbing important new data.
After reading KJS ‘s recent posting on a Pranayama technique, I had a go at it after Savasana today. Although I’ve done some Pranayama in the past, I’ve never included it seriously into my routine, in spite of knowing how important it is for a well rounded yoga practice. It is after all the fourth of the eight limbs. I think I skipped it altogether in my journey to Samadhi. Didn’t bother to stop there, just went straight from Asana to Pratyahara, Dharana and Dhyana. Maybe it’s time to retrace my steps, go back, check out the sights, see what I missed.
Nup…didn’t go to the Mysore class this morning.
Instead I took the puppy for a walk at sunrise, came back, did a few stretches, sat in meditation for half an hour with tired puppy on my lap, then got ready for work. Maybe next Monday.
Surfing was great yesterday apart from getting caught in the rip a few times and whisked out into the watery blue yonder. If I was a big strong pro surfer I'd use the rips to get out quickly to the back waves, but I'm not, so when I suddenly find myself out there with the pro surfers and the big waves out the back, I don't stay. Maybe next time.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Friday 3rd September
Sick and tired
Yesterday I opened up the Gallery for practice, set everything up, joined Angie and Sasha G (just back from a week in Bali) for the opening chant and the surjanamaskars. Noticed a strange feeling each time I jumped from Dog pose to Uttanasana, kinda disorientated and dizzy, so I was pretty stuffed by the end of them. Persisted up to Prasaritta D, then lost the plot sitting down into Samakonasana. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get up again. Anchored like cement. Well at least I gave it my best shot this morning.
The others kept going while I rolled up two thick blankets into a pseudo bolster and did all the Iyengar restorative poses I could remember, interspersing each one with Supta Balasana (that’s a guess at the name) laying on my back, knees bent up into chest, arms wrapped around my legs in a quiet, protective, foetal position, close to the earth…the ultimate anti-Ashtanga pose.
On days when everything closes down like this you’re forced to reflect on why.
After practice I went home, rang in sick at work and spent most of the day in bed.
First thoughts of the day
The first indication of your state of mind and wellbeing is the thoughts you wake up with when that alarm goes off in the morning.
I remember reading how each time we fall asleep, we metaphorically die because we fall unconscious every night. What if, each time we fell asleep, there was no guarantee we’d regain consciousness?
I like to remind myself of this when the alarm goes off at 5.10am and I open my eyes – giving thanks that I’m alive again – reborn, resurrected, a new person – and I’ve got one more day on earth.
Thankfully there’s no practice with Kosta tomorrow morning (he’s doing a weekend workshop with Alan Goode). I probably need to rest a lot more than I think I do, but I’ll ignore that sensible thought on Sunday because we’re going surfing.
Surfing will probably wipe me out totally - there’s a lot paddling at our usual break because the waves roll in pretty constantly with no rest in between, so there’s a big question mark about whether I’ll be up to Mysore class with David on Monday. I wonder how long I can put it off, before I get sick of making excuses.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Wednesday 1st September 2004
Just a few practice notes from today:
Surjanamaskars
Had a rather labour intensive start but gradually built up a nice momentum towards the end of the surjanamaskar Bs. I’ve discovered a special little spot in surjanamaska B in the transition from Virabhadrasana A to the Chaturange Dandasana position. When reaching the momentary pinnacle of Virabhadrasana A, I ground down through the back foot really consciously and consistently while moving down to the Chaturanga Dandasana position. It gets released at the very last moment when theback heel has to lift and swivel back. Maybe this is pada bandha, as the grounding of that back foot during the transition seems to give rise to a current of energy that connects with mula bandha into a full body engagement.
Lowering to Chaturanga becomes different – lighter, firmer, stronger, more precise.
Focussing on that back foot while moving the rest of the body also imbues the transitional movement with as much attention and importance as the place I’m moving towards. Every moment becomes equally alive and sacred.
Being Wednesday, Angie did a short practice (to Navasana) because she had to leave early for work. When we finished the five Navasanas, I took advantage of the pause, laid out flat and had a momentary rest (well it was more like a minute really) while contemplating whether to finish there as well. It would have been easy since I’ve been taking the easy way out at just about every opportunity lately. But somehow I jumped that hurdle and went on. Bhujangasana to Tittibhasana to Bakasana and then a spectacular collapse of my weak shoulders trying to spring from Bakasana to Chaturanga (today’s version was spreadeagled flat on the floor). Let out a raspberry and a giggle then I was off again…good Kurmasana today.
Supta Kurmasana
What’s happening here? For the first time in my Ashtanga history, I didn’t even attempt this pose. Felt a bit like a child refusing to eat their Brussells Sprouts, mouth stubbornly clenched shut. YUK. NO WAY JOSE. That’s how it felt. A sort of "I’m not doing it and you can’t make me" attitude. I think my Supta Kurmasana has regressed over the past few months, hand binding is not so tight, feet not so close and I've definitely been giving up on it too easily.
Skipping the pose on purpose is, without doubt, a big red warning sign that my practice needs a major service and tune up. But I know it’s really my attitude that needs the overhaul. The need to be challenged, pushed, deconstructed and humbled is fast approaching.
But after Kurmasana the practice started to ripen into a gorgeous fullness - from Baddha Konasana right through to the finishing poses…my breath progressively slowed down, so much so that I had to cut down to 4 breaths in each pose. Every breath was imbued with meaning that spread throughout my body and filled my cells. A meditative silence pervaded through the beginning, middle and end of each vinyasa, and the invisible breath of the universe pulsed life into each pose.
When the familiarity of the poses slips away and the practice moves into another dimension, I am struck silent.
Sarvangasana
Mulabandha is coming into this pose in a big way for me now. I get into the pose and search for it. It hides from me until bit by bit I adjust the pose to that ‘ah ha’ spot, breastbone vertical, thoracic spine pressed deeply forward, front hips rising to the max, sacrum pressed forward, quads pressed back. All these bring the pose to a perfectly vertical alignment through the core (Godfrey Devereaux describes the core as running from the anus to the upper palate). Most days I can find it and the flow of energy initiated by mulabandha kicks in strongly, flushing through and illuminating what I imagine to be the length of the sushumna nadi. As my strength and focus in the pose waxes and wanes, I lose it and find it again. Sometimes it just keeps wavering like a slippery fish I can’t catch, but sometimes I can sustain the focus and know that my subtle body is absorbing important new data.
After reading KJS ‘s recent posting on a Pranayama technique, I had a go at it after Savasana today. Although I’ve done some Pranayama in the past, I’ve never included it seriously into my routine, in spite of knowing how important it is for a well rounded yoga practice. It is after all the fourth of the eight limbs. I think I skipped it altogether in my journey to Samadhi. Didn’t bother to stop there, just went straight from Asana to Pratyahara, Dharana and Dhyana. Maybe it’s time to retrace my steps, go back, check out the sights, see what I missed.
