Diary of a yoga nobodhi

Friday 1st October 2004

Maybe I’m just going through a bad patch. Maybe I’m just getting old(er).

I look at long time Ashtangis, mostly teachers I guess - my teachers and the more famous ones – they have such incredibly open bodies. I wonder if they too spent the initial years struggling through injuries and questioning the practice. Stories about people like Lino Miele who went through agony in their early years of practice give me hope.

So a year and a half into the practice, I take heart in reflecting on the poses I can easily do now which I couldn’t do when I started Ashtanga:
the bound version of Parivritta Parsvakonasana, Marichyasana D, Garbha Pindasana;
I can lift my heels off the floor in Kurmasana, get my chin to the floor in Baddha Konasana and Upavista Konasana and achieve a good height and balance in Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana – consistently; I can balance in good, strong Handstand, and hold the 5 Navasanas for the 5 breaths, lifting to Tolasana between each one . And the ultimate Primary series achievement of dropping back to Urdhva Dhanurasana and coming back up again.
(not that achieving poses is important BUT it is a sign that the mind/body is opening up, and for me, releasing these physical blocks corresponds to the release of mental/emotional ones).

BUT (yes another but) the flexibility in my right knee has deteriorated rather dramatically over the last year, my left shoulder joint at times is so tender that I can’t lift my arm up to take off my top after practice – undoubtedly from all the jump throughs and chaturangas; I usually wake up at 5am feeling SO STIFF that it takes me a couple of minutes to actually get out of bed.
Then I get on the mat, and do whatever I can on the day. Most days it’s full Primary, with dropbacks on the better days; occasionally I can do some second series poses, occasionally I crash out partway through Primary and that’s usually OK, occasionally it’s not OK when I think I could have gone further, or done better, if only my will were stronger.

I hate to admit it but most mornings before practice I question why I’m doing it.
And yet if I don't listen to this and just get up and DO IT, the doubt disappears - there's no question about it. It’s clear, and it's awesome...
So I keep practicing – 4-5 days a week. Devotion to the Ashtanga practice takes great Faith, but when Doubt creeps in, it seems like a huge experiment with the very fabric of my life. And failure will leave its scars imprinted forever on my physical body. Either the repetitive practice will work all the impurities out of me (all is coming) or I’ll end up crippled for life!

Faith versus Doubt.

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