Thursday 28th September 2006
“Those who believe that they can speak of what is in the depths of their own soul betray their own inexperience.”
Carlo Carretto
Letters from the Desert
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Those who believe that they can speak of what is in the depths of their own soul betray their own inexperience.”
Carlo Carretto
Letters from the Desert
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Thursday 21st September 2006
More incoherent rambling about the indescribable
The circumstances I’ve found myself in this year have provided some pretty profound learning opportunities.
And if I stand back just a little and get a bird’s eye view of the year so far, it looks disturbingly meaningful. there's no doubt the higher part of my being is directing the entire show from behind the curtains, carefully developing the complex story line while I just follow the prompts and play out my part in this beautifully crafted piece of work that is my life.
When I acknowledge the powerful undercurrent that's carving out my path, I reconnect with the divine intelligence that propels us all towards realising the magnificent Truth of our existence.
The Catch 22 is to realise and know that we are IT.
We ARE that divine intelligence.
Any discontent we feel is a result of not living and expressing the power of this incredible Truth.
Sometimes it dawns on me in the middle of the day and takes me by surprise, sometimes it swells up in my heart after Ashtanga practice…I feel a shift…my heart expands outwards to its bursting capacity and a loving benevolent force begins to look out upon the world through my eyes…everything around me and inside of me becomes imbued with a shimmering energy…everywhere there is nothing but beauty...
The shift of focus from the shallows into the depths changes everything. You see right through the slippery surface and into the pulsating, eternal heart of all life.
But it’s not always so immense and moving.
More often, I’m just vaguely aware of or reminded of the mystical through little things in daily life, a coincidence, a stranger’s smile that connects you beyond words, the odd person who temporarily drops into your life to teach you a lesson, the book that just appears on the library shelf, news of a death or terminal illness, a small act of generosity…
It takes a refined spiritual vision to see the mystical at work.
Only then does mundane life become magical. For me, mundane life doesn’t exist any more – NOTHING is mundane – everything has profound meaning: every encounter, every conversation, every event, every thought, every word. And every decision I make has a profound implication.
But it’s definitely been a gradual, incremental descent into this way of being and seeing. You can’t dive too deep too quick or you’ll get the bends and fortunately the process is carefully controlled by an intelligence that exists way beyond the limited comprehension of our small minds.
Sometimes the responsibility that comes with divine realisation is a little heavy - there’s no place to hide any more, there’s no escape and there’s no turning back. And you’re forevermore under the gaze of divine eyes that never close.
I can’t seem to do anything anymore that compromises my soul’s integrity without feeling the piercing stab of conscience. I guess conscience is the voice of the soul, whispering in our ear to keep us on track so the story line unfolds according to plan. We must keep listening…and following….
Personally I don’t want to return to living in the murky shadows of a half-conscious life. Once we make that decision, it becomes apparent that every moment, every situation and every encounter is lovingly placed to facilitate our journey into full consciousness.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Monday 11th September 2006
In an irresponsible act of defiance I went surfing yesterday and to Mysore practice this morning. My shoulder hurts a bit from the double whammy, but I’m blissfully happy.
What a shame that spiritual progress slows to a snail pace when we feel contented with life.
David left me to do my own practice this morning, adjusting me only in Uthitta Hasta Padangusthasana and Supta Kurmasana. I like to think he was observing how I’d adapted the practice around my sore shoulder, but he was probably just very busy trying to get around to everyone. When I came out of Matsyasana, he suggested that for the next few weeks I start practice with a 5 minute Headstand and 5 minute Shoulderstand, followed by Padangusthasana etc – no Surya Namaskars. That start will change the flavour of practice – much quieter. But he’s right on the mark and very wise. His advice is precious.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
More incoherent rambling about the indescribable
The circumstances I’ve found myself in this year have provided some pretty profound learning opportunities.
And if I stand back just a little and get a bird’s eye view of the year so far, it looks disturbingly meaningful. there's no doubt the higher part of my being is directing the entire show from behind the curtains, carefully developing the complex story line while I just follow the prompts and play out my part in this beautifully crafted piece of work that is my life.
When I acknowledge the powerful undercurrent that's carving out my path, I reconnect with the divine intelligence that propels us all towards realising the magnificent Truth of our existence.
The Catch 22 is to realise and know that we are IT.
We ARE that divine intelligence.
Any discontent we feel is a result of not living and expressing the power of this incredible Truth.
Sometimes it dawns on me in the middle of the day and takes me by surprise, sometimes it swells up in my heart after Ashtanga practice…I feel a shift…my heart expands outwards to its bursting capacity and a loving benevolent force begins to look out upon the world through my eyes…everything around me and inside of me becomes imbued with a shimmering energy…everywhere there is nothing but beauty...
The shift of focus from the shallows into the depths changes everything. You see right through the slippery surface and into the pulsating, eternal heart of all life.
But it’s not always so immense and moving.
More often, I’m just vaguely aware of or reminded of the mystical through little things in daily life, a coincidence, a stranger’s smile that connects you beyond words, the odd person who temporarily drops into your life to teach you a lesson, the book that just appears on the library shelf, news of a death or terminal illness, a small act of generosity…
It takes a refined spiritual vision to see the mystical at work.
Only then does mundane life become magical. For me, mundane life doesn’t exist any more – NOTHING is mundane – everything has profound meaning: every encounter, every conversation, every event, every thought, every word. And every decision I make has a profound implication.
But it’s definitely been a gradual, incremental descent into this way of being and seeing. You can’t dive too deep too quick or you’ll get the bends and fortunately the process is carefully controlled by an intelligence that exists way beyond the limited comprehension of our small minds.
Sometimes the responsibility that comes with divine realisation is a little heavy - there’s no place to hide any more, there’s no escape and there’s no turning back. And you’re forevermore under the gaze of divine eyes that never close.
I can’t seem to do anything anymore that compromises my soul’s integrity without feeling the piercing stab of conscience. I guess conscience is the voice of the soul, whispering in our ear to keep us on track so the story line unfolds according to plan. We must keep listening…and following….
Personally I don’t want to return to living in the murky shadows of a half-conscious life. Once we make that decision, it becomes apparent that every moment, every situation and every encounter is lovingly placed to facilitate our journey into full consciousness.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Monday 11th September 2006
In an irresponsible act of defiance I went surfing yesterday and to Mysore practice this morning. My shoulder hurts a bit from the double whammy, but I’m blissfully happy.
What a shame that spiritual progress slows to a snail pace when we feel contented with life.
David left me to do my own practice this morning, adjusting me only in Uthitta Hasta Padangusthasana and Supta Kurmasana. I like to think he was observing how I’d adapted the practice around my sore shoulder, but he was probably just very busy trying to get around to everyone. When I came out of Matsyasana, he suggested that for the next few weeks I start practice with a 5 minute Headstand and 5 minute Shoulderstand, followed by Padangusthasana etc – no Surya Namaskars. That start will change the flavour of practice – much quieter. But he’s right on the mark and very wise. His advice is precious.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Thursday 7th September 2006
I got over the biggest hurdle and went to early morning class at the shala today (my last class there was late in June). Normally they’d have mysore class on Thursday, but due to the moon day tomorrow, the ‘Friday led primary’ was put forward to this morning instead. In actuality it turned out not to be led primary, but an investigative class directed at bringing awareness to a particular area of the body. Heavy research material to take into our Mysore practice.
About 10 minutes into the class I realised that what David was focussing on today was directed specifically to me.
It was all about the shoulders, and how to work within the postures so that the shoulder is protected and strengthened. The finer details now escape me as David’s interpretations and instructions are always very subtle. Grasping his ideas can be quite elusive and only twice did I get that ‘aha’ feeling of connecting with what he was trying to convey.
A couple of times he mentioned how often shoulder problems arise because of misuse (referring to Ashtangis I guess), which made me feel like the latest in a long line of sitting ducks. But I was humbled by the thought that David might actually have composed an entire class for my benefit.
And my shoulder did survive. It felt hot and a little achy after the class, but that subsided in time. Overjoyed to be back at the shala again, I signed up for a block of classes. By upping my practice schedule (which isn’t hard as I’m only doing 2 a week now), I guess I risk hastening the shoulder deterioration so I’ll have to monitor it pretty carefully over the next few weeks. Doing four practises per week, I’ll really have to find a way to minimise the shoulder work.
Two practises a week hasn’t been enough. The mornings just aren’t the same. Discipline, devotion, love, frustration, madness, I’ve missed them all. I’ve missed having ‘A Practice’.
True, our spiritual practice is what we do 24 hours a day, but I still believe it’s important to set some time out, away from interactivity with the outer world, to draw nourishment from the bottomless well of our inner life. DAILY.
The physical importance of yoga practice is almost redundant now, even though I still believe a regular physical practice is important. But everyone’s calling is different. We may spend an hour or two on the mat ‘doing yoga’, we may spend 15 minutes on a cushion ‘quietly attentive’; a practice can be a morning chant, a chi kung workout, regular reading of scriptures or whatever. But if you do it daily, you’re giving it prime place in your scheme of things, and saying to the universe that you know there is ‘more’ and you’ll do what it takes until ‘more’ is revealed.
Daily practice renews this affirmation that there is more to our lives than what we see on the surface. Daily practice is our way of slipping down between the cracks and playing in that warm dark other worldly cloud that somehow feels like our real home.
When I lose the momentum of daily practice, I miss it terribly. When discipline wanes, the commitment to spiritual growth feels diluted. Practising daily (or at least very regularly) reaffirms that my life has a deeper layer to it that is sacred beyond all else. To have ‘A Practice’ is to acknowledge the existence of something greater to which our spirit is naturally drawn. We may not understand this reality, or know how to access it, but somehow we know it’s infinitely more real than the shallow one we’ve mistakenly invested in.
To establish and maintain ‘A Practice’ is to transcend our unknowing and our uncertainty, and place ourselves within this nebulous, numinous reality…daily… for as long as it takes.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday 5th September 2006
Headstand
Since this shoulder condition first manifested, I’ve been forced to find a different way to ‘be’ in some of the poses. And by different, I don’t necessarily mean the outer form.
Sirsasana (Headstand) continues to be a revelation. I set up the triangular base of my forearms, walk my feet in and draw the apex of my pelvis up high. I suck the energy up from the pelvic floor (mulabandha) which pulls the solid, heavy earth energy up out of my lower body drawing it upwards and leaving the legs and pelvis light and empty. Walk in on tippy toes, I’m lifting and ascending. Slight pressure down through the forearms to accentuate the upward flow of energy. My pelvis is liquid light, my toes effortlessly leave the floor and my legs float up completely weightless, as if filled with helium.
I find the point of perfect balance between the crown of my head and the tip of my toes, suspended between earth and heaven. My core channel aligns perfectly with gravity, then slips in between the gravitational field to a weightless reality where time is suspended.
There’s absolutely no pressure downwards into the floor through my arms and shoulders now. It feels like my forearms barely touch the floor, it’s like I’m levitating.
And as I hold the pose, this energetic pull through the core channel draws my focus deeper and deeper into the vortex. The outer physical adjustments that oscillate to maintain the precarious balance are only faint whispers in the background. The liquid energy of my core consumes my full attention.
I can only do this pose when I’m fully in touch with and in control of the subtle energies of the practice now. Otherwise I don’t even attempt it. Any compression in the right shoulder joint is excruciating and to be avoided at all costs. But when Headstand reveals it’s mystical gift, its truly, truly divine. And that's yoga.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
I got over the biggest hurdle and went to early morning class at the shala today (my last class there was late in June). Normally they’d have mysore class on Thursday, but due to the moon day tomorrow, the ‘Friday led primary’ was put forward to this morning instead. In actuality it turned out not to be led primary, but an investigative class directed at bringing awareness to a particular area of the body. Heavy research material to take into our Mysore practice.
About 10 minutes into the class I realised that what David was focussing on today was directed specifically to me.
It was all about the shoulders, and how to work within the postures so that the shoulder is protected and strengthened. The finer details now escape me as David’s interpretations and instructions are always very subtle. Grasping his ideas can be quite elusive and only twice did I get that ‘aha’ feeling of connecting with what he was trying to convey.
A couple of times he mentioned how often shoulder problems arise because of misuse (referring to Ashtangis I guess), which made me feel like the latest in a long line of sitting ducks. But I was humbled by the thought that David might actually have composed an entire class for my benefit.
And my shoulder did survive. It felt hot and a little achy after the class, but that subsided in time. Overjoyed to be back at the shala again, I signed up for a block of classes. By upping my practice schedule (which isn’t hard as I’m only doing 2 a week now), I guess I risk hastening the shoulder deterioration so I’ll have to monitor it pretty carefully over the next few weeks. Doing four practises per week, I’ll really have to find a way to minimise the shoulder work.
Two practises a week hasn’t been enough. The mornings just aren’t the same. Discipline, devotion, love, frustration, madness, I’ve missed them all. I’ve missed having ‘A Practice’.
True, our spiritual practice is what we do 24 hours a day, but I still believe it’s important to set some time out, away from interactivity with the outer world, to draw nourishment from the bottomless well of our inner life. DAILY.
The physical importance of yoga practice is almost redundant now, even though I still believe a regular physical practice is important. But everyone’s calling is different. We may spend an hour or two on the mat ‘doing yoga’, we may spend 15 minutes on a cushion ‘quietly attentive’; a practice can be a morning chant, a chi kung workout, regular reading of scriptures or whatever. But if you do it daily, you’re giving it prime place in your scheme of things, and saying to the universe that you know there is ‘more’ and you’ll do what it takes until ‘more’ is revealed.
Daily practice renews this affirmation that there is more to our lives than what we see on the surface. Daily practice is our way of slipping down between the cracks and playing in that warm dark other worldly cloud that somehow feels like our real home.
When I lose the momentum of daily practice, I miss it terribly. When discipline wanes, the commitment to spiritual growth feels diluted. Practising daily (or at least very regularly) reaffirms that my life has a deeper layer to it that is sacred beyond all else. To have ‘A Practice’ is to acknowledge the existence of something greater to which our spirit is naturally drawn. We may not understand this reality, or know how to access it, but somehow we know it’s infinitely more real than the shallow one we’ve mistakenly invested in.
To establish and maintain ‘A Practice’ is to transcend our unknowing and our uncertainty, and place ourselves within this nebulous, numinous reality…daily… for as long as it takes.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday 5th September 2006
Headstand
Since this shoulder condition first manifested, I’ve been forced to find a different way to ‘be’ in some of the poses. And by different, I don’t necessarily mean the outer form.
Sirsasana (Headstand) continues to be a revelation. I set up the triangular base of my forearms, walk my feet in and draw the apex of my pelvis up high. I suck the energy up from the pelvic floor (mulabandha) which pulls the solid, heavy earth energy up out of my lower body drawing it upwards and leaving the legs and pelvis light and empty. Walk in on tippy toes, I’m lifting and ascending. Slight pressure down through the forearms to accentuate the upward flow of energy. My pelvis is liquid light, my toes effortlessly leave the floor and my legs float up completely weightless, as if filled with helium.
I find the point of perfect balance between the crown of my head and the tip of my toes, suspended between earth and heaven. My core channel aligns perfectly with gravity, then slips in between the gravitational field to a weightless reality where time is suspended.
There’s absolutely no pressure downwards into the floor through my arms and shoulders now. It feels like my forearms barely touch the floor, it’s like I’m levitating.
And as I hold the pose, this energetic pull through the core channel draws my focus deeper and deeper into the vortex. The outer physical adjustments that oscillate to maintain the precarious balance are only faint whispers in the background. The liquid energy of my core consumes my full attention.
I can only do this pose when I’m fully in touch with and in control of the subtle energies of the practice now. Otherwise I don’t even attempt it. Any compression in the right shoulder joint is excruciating and to be avoided at all costs. But when Headstand reveals it’s mystical gift, its truly, truly divine. And that's yoga.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Saturday 2nd September 2006
Since I’ve let go of my attachment to the physical practice of yoga, I’m less inclined to talk about the poses and the minor epiphanies that surface during practice. Instead I’ve silently made an agreement with myself not to limit my blogging to what I think the reading audience may be interested in. I figure if anyone does read this blog, they most probably do Ashtanga, or at the very least do some kind of physical yoga. It wouldn’t be of interest or make sense to anyone else.
That agreement has given me free rein to ramble on at length about what’s REALLY going on behind the scenes with an intellectual honesty that lays bare my deepest despairs, my thoughts and feelings that are often barely formed and are even more often obscured by the limitations of a language that falls short in its ability to describe the maturing of one’s spirituality.
Thomas Merton in his introduction to “No Man Is An Island” says
“I consider that the spiritual life is the life of man’s real self, the life of that interior self whose flame is so often allowed to be smothered under the ashes of anxiety and futile concern.”
I may talk about my asana practice as it melts and morphs with the passing of the weeks, I may talk about the divine love that infuses me on a daily basis, I may talk about my self doubts as a yoga teacher and my attempts to leak more of my soul into my classes when I’ve been warned against it.
Such indulgent, pot-pourri blogging may not be to everyone’s taste, but I’m now writing for me, not for you.
You’ve been warned now.
Last week I’d planned to practice Tuesday and Thursday morning in the Gallery with my yoga friends. At Tuesday morning’s practice, for reasons that elude me, my body felt like a lump of lard. Practice was slow and unfocussed so I wrote it off and gave up after one hour. A violent attack of food poisoning on Wednesday night (5 hours of vomiting, diarrhoea and passing out of the bathroom floor) put an end to the plan to practice on Thursday.
Today I rang my students and cancelled my two yoga classes – Although I’m still in recovery and haven’t eaten for two days, it was more that I desperately needed a ‘mental health day’ all to myself.
So a whole week has gone by with almost no physical yoga practice. And I’m not bothered. In fact, it’s quite exciting not to be bothered by this – the detachment indicates great progress.
Add to a week of zero practice the food poisoning episode, and I’ve had a complete physical and mental purging of magnificent proportions.
All part of a bigger plan to help loosen those last threads of attachment to being a superyogi.
It may well be that my former approach to yoga practice, the importance I’d attached to it and it’s relevance to my greater spiritual life are all being re-evaluated at an obscure depth that is most characteristic of a relentless surge of unconscious activity that is drawing me into the vortex of God. For any spiritual aspirant experiencing the pain of loss, trauma, or even just a life change, I urge you to read this most insightful and poignant book to help see the hidden agenda of why these things happen to us. We are not usually permitted to see the mysterious direction in which we are being prompted to go; if we did we’d resist with all our might. Instead we are put through trials of heart and soul without being given the reasons why and we are asked to trust that what is happening to us, no matter how difficult, is cleverly but lovingly calculated to bring us down to our knees, because only then can we ascend to the hidden summit of our divine potential.
So where does that leave me and my yoga practice?
I intend to get to my mat regularly, but the NEED TO KEEP IT UP as I have been doing has dropped away, and the reasons for doing yoga have irrevocably changed.
If I do go back to early morning Mysore classes at the shala (which for now is still a possibility), it will be with a mind that is peacefully detached, somehow softer, no expectations of myself or the practice. Or I may not go back – I may just keep up my twice a week schedule for now (which will make my shoulder happy). Definitely the hard edge of the Mysore mentality has worn away and what I do on that mat has become simply yoga.
For a while now I’ve seen yoga differently, more as just a vehicle to travel in for a certain period and for a certain distance, a bit like a little boat. I’ve been paddling along the river in this vehicle, doing my yoga and meditation, believing my little yoga vehicle is moving me closer to the ocean (if I’ve lost you, this is turning into a metaphor for the spiritual journey and the ocean is of course Samadhi or enlightenment which is a life lived in divine union with God). But I think the vehicles we travel in can also be what separates us from the ocean and there comes a time when we have to discard all our vehicles (yoga, Buddhism, meditation etc) and just dive headfirst into the ocean.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s absolutely necessary to use these vehicles for a while, because it’s only when we’ve been travelling down the river in these little boats for a while that we come to realise the ocean is all around us and within us and not something far off in the distance.
I recently read the letters of Brother Lawrence (here are some excerpts) whose only instruction for meditation is to sit with the presence of God – none of this watching the breath, watching the sensations, visualising chakras, or even abiding in pure empty awareness stuff.
No. Just sit within the loving and powerful presence of God. Now that is the ultimate.
All those little meditation boats we paddle along in are for sure leading us into the more subtle areas of our soul, but ultimately immersion in the ocean that is divine union with the source is what we must seek. So why not just do it from the start.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Monday 28th August 2006
These mornings without a yoga practice are strange. To get out of bed at a ‘normal hour’ and head for Cibo’s café for an hour of reading before the working day begins is like being on holidays for me - this kind of morning routine is still so different and novel. Though looking around at all the business people in the café it’s obviously a pretty ‘normal’ thing to do.
My disciplined routine is softening around the edges. I’m lightening up on myself. For so long, morning yoga practice gave my life a solid structure and it’s been a really important and useful discipline for consolidating and growing a richness to the yoga life.
But the yoga leg of my bigger journey seems to be coming to an end. Without discarding anything I’ve learned from the physical, psychological and spiritual practice of yoga, I’m taking it all with me into another level of spiritual life.
Mind you it hasn’t been an easy thing to let go of. Over the last 10 years of dedicated study and practice I’ve increasingly identified my self more and more as a yogi. To erase that label, to become a nobody, is to feel both a loss of identity, but a sense of peacefulness.
We do like to think we’re unique in some way (well our little Ego does) and yoga has been something that made me feel special and different – family, friends, acquaintances rolled their eyes at my dedication to this strangely exotic and subversive life. To relinquish teh status and become a nobody with no identifiable label is quite a juicy exercise to get my spiritual teeth into.
Letting go of all the images of that person I was aiming to be has not been so difficult, although it has taken some time to get used to. It’s ultimately liberating to drop all the subtle striving, all the doing and trying and maintaining. Even though yoga’s been an enormous influence on my life and psyche, I’m being encouraged by a greater force to let it go. And voila, I’m a nobody, not a yogi, not a Buddhist, not a special anybody at all, just humble and simple little me, with nothing to live up to, and there’s a vast empty open space in which to exist where I am peacefully receptive to the promptings of the universe.
The purification process that the yoga practice initiates in us is very real and as we practice it sets in motion a gradual release of the conditioning we hold in our body and mind. I think the purification process that inescapably leads us to divine union has taken on its own momentum and is clearing away my yoga conditioning. Very weird.
“The greater the purification, the clearer the vision (of God).”
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Since I’ve let go of my attachment to the physical practice of yoga, I’m less inclined to talk about the poses and the minor epiphanies that surface during practice. Instead I’ve silently made an agreement with myself not to limit my blogging to what I think the reading audience may be interested in. I figure if anyone does read this blog, they most probably do Ashtanga, or at the very least do some kind of physical yoga. It wouldn’t be of interest or make sense to anyone else.
That agreement has given me free rein to ramble on at length about what’s REALLY going on behind the scenes with an intellectual honesty that lays bare my deepest despairs, my thoughts and feelings that are often barely formed and are even more often obscured by the limitations of a language that falls short in its ability to describe the maturing of one’s spirituality.
Thomas Merton in his introduction to “No Man Is An Island” says
“I consider that the spiritual life is the life of man’s real self, the life of that interior self whose flame is so often allowed to be smothered under the ashes of anxiety and futile concern.”
I may talk about my asana practice as it melts and morphs with the passing of the weeks, I may talk about the divine love that infuses me on a daily basis, I may talk about my self doubts as a yoga teacher and my attempts to leak more of my soul into my classes when I’ve been warned against it.
Such indulgent, pot-pourri blogging may not be to everyone’s taste, but I’m now writing for me, not for you.
You’ve been warned now.
Last week I’d planned to practice Tuesday and Thursday morning in the Gallery with my yoga friends. At Tuesday morning’s practice, for reasons that elude me, my body felt like a lump of lard. Practice was slow and unfocussed so I wrote it off and gave up after one hour. A violent attack of food poisoning on Wednesday night (5 hours of vomiting, diarrhoea and passing out of the bathroom floor) put an end to the plan to practice on Thursday.
Today I rang my students and cancelled my two yoga classes – Although I’m still in recovery and haven’t eaten for two days, it was more that I desperately needed a ‘mental health day’ all to myself.
So a whole week has gone by with almost no physical yoga practice. And I’m not bothered. In fact, it’s quite exciting not to be bothered by this – the detachment indicates great progress.
Add to a week of zero practice the food poisoning episode, and I’ve had a complete physical and mental purging of magnificent proportions.
All part of a bigger plan to help loosen those last threads of attachment to being a superyogi.
It may well be that my former approach to yoga practice, the importance I’d attached to it and it’s relevance to my greater spiritual life are all being re-evaluated at an obscure depth that is most characteristic of a relentless surge of unconscious activity that is drawing me into the vortex of God. For any spiritual aspirant experiencing the pain of loss, trauma, or even just a life change, I urge you to read this most insightful and poignant book to help see the hidden agenda of why these things happen to us. We are not usually permitted to see the mysterious direction in which we are being prompted to go; if we did we’d resist with all our might. Instead we are put through trials of heart and soul without being given the reasons why and we are asked to trust that what is happening to us, no matter how difficult, is cleverly but lovingly calculated to bring us down to our knees, because only then can we ascend to the hidden summit of our divine potential.
So where does that leave me and my yoga practice?
I intend to get to my mat regularly, but the NEED TO KEEP IT UP as I have been doing has dropped away, and the reasons for doing yoga have irrevocably changed.
If I do go back to early morning Mysore classes at the shala (which for now is still a possibility), it will be with a mind that is peacefully detached, somehow softer, no expectations of myself or the practice. Or I may not go back – I may just keep up my twice a week schedule for now (which will make my shoulder happy). Definitely the hard edge of the Mysore mentality has worn away and what I do on that mat has become simply yoga.
For a while now I’ve seen yoga differently, more as just a vehicle to travel in for a certain period and for a certain distance, a bit like a little boat. I’ve been paddling along the river in this vehicle, doing my yoga and meditation, believing my little yoga vehicle is moving me closer to the ocean (if I’ve lost you, this is turning into a metaphor for the spiritual journey and the ocean is of course Samadhi or enlightenment which is a life lived in divine union with God). But I think the vehicles we travel in can also be what separates us from the ocean and there comes a time when we have to discard all our vehicles (yoga, Buddhism, meditation etc) and just dive headfirst into the ocean.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s absolutely necessary to use these vehicles for a while, because it’s only when we’ve been travelling down the river in these little boats for a while that we come to realise the ocean is all around us and within us and not something far off in the distance.
I recently read the letters of Brother Lawrence (here are some excerpts) whose only instruction for meditation is to sit with the presence of God – none of this watching the breath, watching the sensations, visualising chakras, or even abiding in pure empty awareness stuff.
No. Just sit within the loving and powerful presence of God. Now that is the ultimate.
All those little meditation boats we paddle along in are for sure leading us into the more subtle areas of our soul, but ultimately immersion in the ocean that is divine union with the source is what we must seek. So why not just do it from the start.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Monday 28th August 2006
These mornings without a yoga practice are strange. To get out of bed at a ‘normal hour’ and head for Cibo’s café for an hour of reading before the working day begins is like being on holidays for me - this kind of morning routine is still so different and novel. Though looking around at all the business people in the café it’s obviously a pretty ‘normal’ thing to do.
My disciplined routine is softening around the edges. I’m lightening up on myself. For so long, morning yoga practice gave my life a solid structure and it’s been a really important and useful discipline for consolidating and growing a richness to the yoga life.
But the yoga leg of my bigger journey seems to be coming to an end. Without discarding anything I’ve learned from the physical, psychological and spiritual practice of yoga, I’m taking it all with me into another level of spiritual life.
Mind you it hasn’t been an easy thing to let go of. Over the last 10 years of dedicated study and practice I’ve increasingly identified my self more and more as a yogi. To erase that label, to become a nobody, is to feel both a loss of identity, but a sense of peacefulness.
We do like to think we’re unique in some way (well our little Ego does) and yoga has been something that made me feel special and different – family, friends, acquaintances rolled their eyes at my dedication to this strangely exotic and subversive life. To relinquish teh status and become a nobody with no identifiable label is quite a juicy exercise to get my spiritual teeth into.
Letting go of all the images of that person I was aiming to be has not been so difficult, although it has taken some time to get used to. It’s ultimately liberating to drop all the subtle striving, all the doing and trying and maintaining. Even though yoga’s been an enormous influence on my life and psyche, I’m being encouraged by a greater force to let it go. And voila, I’m a nobody, not a yogi, not a Buddhist, not a special anybody at all, just humble and simple little me, with nothing to live up to, and there’s a vast empty open space in which to exist where I am peacefully receptive to the promptings of the universe.
The purification process that the yoga practice initiates in us is very real and as we practice it sets in motion a gradual release of the conditioning we hold in our body and mind. I think the purification process that inescapably leads us to divine union has taken on its own momentum and is clearing away my yoga conditioning. Very weird.
“The greater the purification, the clearer the vision (of God).”
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
