Thursday 30th March 2006
Simi often used to play music during practice but I haven’t noticed any music playing in David's Mysore classes at the shala. This morning Angie brought in a CD which David put on after the opening chant. Music is almost primordial in the way it can draw a response from our very soul. My entire mood is easily coloured by whatever music is playing in the background.
Today was no exception.
Angie's CD was meditative; intimate voices of a small choir; melancholy, reverent music that seeped in and filled up all the spaces around me. I was engulfed and suddenly it felt like I was practising in a magnificent cathedral...religious...overwhelming.
I cried…all the way through practice, the harmonic voices touching the most tender wounds of my soul. Puddles formed on my mat as each tear fell. It was becoming a deeply moving, cathartic practice.
Grace filled my empty body and flowed upwards and out through my fingertips as I raised my arms. Bringing my palms together and looking up, I was filled with a yearning for ascension; I carried this prayer within my palms as they descended softly down past my heart; I folded in half, opening up my palms at the last moment, offering my prayers to the earth.
This was the beginning of the Surya Namaskars and the ecclesiastical feeling-tone continued for the next 2 hours: reverence, divine longing, sorrow and joy permeating every moment of practice.
I didn’t try to contain my tears; the emotion was pure and reverent, not self-indulgent. I let the tears gently express my love, moving with, and being moved by, the experience.
Approaching Supta Kurmasana, I sensed that David was occupied elsewhere. Knowing I wouldn’t be adjusted today, I went into it alone and submerged myself into the shadowy depths of this dark pose. Then like an angel Simi appeared behind me; silently, patiently and gradually, she moved me into a secure bind that I wanted to stay in forever, ankles firmly crossed behind my head. She hadn’t been assisting in class today and had interrupted her own practice to come over to me. I was so grateful.
There was a point where the drizzle of tears started to escalate and I thought I might start sobbing out loud, my breath had started to catch in my throat – it was just after the Garbha Pindasana rolls. I had to pause mid-stream, recompose myself and feel the reassuring support of the solid ground for a moment. Emotion sparked by the higher impulses of love, truth and beauty can deteriorate into self pity when left unattended; I redirected the emotion back upwards from the lower to the higher sphere, back towards the divine.
Tears fell freely during Baddha Konasana, their little splashes magnified at such close range. I did BK A, humbly surrendering my body to the earth again, then BK B, curling protectively into an embryonic circle, then BK C, coming up to face the world again, liquid eyes, naked wet face. David’s presence behind me was an invisible prompt to repeat and replay them, so I surrendered completely again, this time beneath his weight in A, then pressing back into him for B and C, softly pushing my shape up into his body as much as I could in the moment.
Urdhva Dhanurasana came around and I had no hesitation. Strangely this pose felt like a comforting friend. I did 4 of them, filling out my curved body like a hand giving shape to a glove, then I sat up to check if David was free – but again he was preoccupied at the front of the room, this time carefully watching Simi’s lithe form as she dropped back. I watched too. So graceful and strong. I took note of how she lifted her arms then rotated her shoulders, spreading outwards across the back shoulders, front shoulders slightly contracting so that her raised palms faced backwards, thumbs on the outerside. Then she bent her elbows, maintaining the shoulder rotation so her elbows pointed forwards, she curved and dropped back softly, her hands turning at the last suspended moment before touchdown. Exquisite.
I stood up, feeling light, free, and softened. With a childlike naiivety, I too dropped back softly into Urdhva Dhanurasana. Thoughts were suspended, mind was neutral, heart soft and open. Three solo dropbacks before David came over to assist with 5 more. I hadn’t done solo dropbacks since before the back injury last year. I approached them full of love instead of fear and hesitation, and let that love flow through my body. Something beautiful had come over me and the dropbacks were the pinnacle of my faith and surrender.
As is often the case lately, I was the last to leave. After changing into my work clothes, I left the building just ahead of Simi and David, so I asked if they’d noticed I’d been crying throughout the practice. They hadn’t. I immediately felt a twinge of melancholy that my tears and emotions had gone unnoticed, but then I felt a sense of relief. Somehow the teachers’ detachment reminded me that whatever arises, passes away.
(Angies CD is "Liquid Mind VI" Spirit).
Thanks Ange.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Monday 27th March 2006
That moment when the alarm goes off at 5.05am is critical – eyes spring open – it’s Groundhog Day again. What’s the first thought? What mind state do I choose as the flavour of my day? What’s the motivation for even getting out of bed to face another Groundhog Day?
I faltered for a minute or two this morning thinking that yesterday’s double whammy of practice and surfing might have physically overtaxed me. Could I manage to get up and do another practice? I did. You see I’m learning not to listen to that voice of doubt - it’s negative and it’s usually wrong. These negative thoughts cleverly steer us away from our ideals. I’m waging war on them, exposing and exterminating them.
Not only did I overcome the lazy voice telling me to stay in bed (AND it did have a very persuasive argument) I proved it wrong by having a really good practice. The heat of my inner conviction burned more brightly for having overcome the initial doubt. I was sparking. I could have easily set fire to my corner of the shala. The Meditative Beginner was next to me again this morning, but I was much more involved with my own practice than hers today.
Physically I have three challenges to work with in this practice at the moment (will reflect on the mental, emotional and spiritual ones another time):
1) My right knee has been gradually stiffening up over the years, and it seems like no amount of extended work in the half lotus poses is improving it. Can still do full Padmasana, but I figure it’s only a matter of time before I lose it. I think my knee’s just deteriorating with age as all body parts eventually must do.
So be it.
2) My right shoulder joint is all askew, twisted and knotty. Prasaritta Padottanasana C shows it up. There’s always at least one pose in the Primary series which will expose a defect (bad word but couldn’t think of another). Wading out into the ocean yesterday, surfboard floating on the water next to me, my right hand guiding the board, I noticed how I had to tighten my right shoulder and arm to control the board each time a wave came through. The shoulder joint was feeling really unstable, so maybe surfing has caused the problem. If so I have two remedies: either jump on the board and start paddling early while still in the shallows or wade out the usual distance holding the board under the other arm, thereby wrecking my left shoulder too.Or there’s option 3: continued adjustments and physical therapy in Prasaritta PadottanasanaC.
3) Challenge number 3 is my lower back which still refuses to curve - probably why it broke (well almost) in Supta Kurmasana last year. All my forward bends are as flat as pancakes but the bend is all from the pelvic tilt. In Padangusthasana today, David told me to pull up the top of my thighs and round my lower back more. He’s onto my Supta Kurmasana case. It feels structurally impossible for me to curve this area, but I know I have to keep working into this to unlock whatever has cemented itself into this area.
Last year I was well on my way to mastering Pasasana before my back injury (Simi had given me poses up to Salabhasana B). Curving the spine is crucial for Pasasana so I wonder if it might be helpful to unofficially explore this pose again. On second thoughts, I should probably stick to what I’m given and start spending double time in Parivritta Parsvakonasana instead – similar work to Pasasana through the hips and lower back.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Sunday 26th March 2006
Sundays are shaping up to be a full day instead of a rest day.
The Sunday ritual for the past few years has been to spend the morning with my partner (after the night before of course), then off to see my Mum at lunchtime then catch up on the past week’s housework and the coming week’s cooking in the afternoon, squeezing in a walk up my favourite mountain somewhere in between.
Now it’s all changed: my partner and I have separated, I no longer live with my son so housework and cooking are redundant, and now I live with Mum so I don’t have to go visit her!
The Sunday ritual has therefore changed. I go to self practice at the shala at 6am, follow that with a kick start coffee and now I’ve made a blood pact with the girls that we’ll keep Sunday afternoons free for surfing every week.
This morning I headed for the shala, did a half-hearted practice then stayed on for the once a month get together; we did some chanting, Simi read a couple of stories and then related an episode from the Bhagavad Gita. After that about 10 of us shared breakfast on the shala floor. It was quite nice to sit around and mingle. Then off surfing in the afternoon and back in time for dinner.
It’s curious how I yearn for more time to chill out, yet every time there’s a window of opportunity to do nothing I have to fill it up with something else like there’s no tomorrow.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Simi often used to play music during practice but I haven’t noticed any music playing in David's Mysore classes at the shala. This morning Angie brought in a CD which David put on after the opening chant. Music is almost primordial in the way it can draw a response from our very soul. My entire mood is easily coloured by whatever music is playing in the background.
Today was no exception.
Angie's CD was meditative; intimate voices of a small choir; melancholy, reverent music that seeped in and filled up all the spaces around me. I was engulfed and suddenly it felt like I was practising in a magnificent cathedral...religious...overwhelming.
I cried…all the way through practice, the harmonic voices touching the most tender wounds of my soul. Puddles formed on my mat as each tear fell. It was becoming a deeply moving, cathartic practice.
Grace filled my empty body and flowed upwards and out through my fingertips as I raised my arms. Bringing my palms together and looking up, I was filled with a yearning for ascension; I carried this prayer within my palms as they descended softly down past my heart; I folded in half, opening up my palms at the last moment, offering my prayers to the earth.
This was the beginning of the Surya Namaskars and the ecclesiastical feeling-tone continued for the next 2 hours: reverence, divine longing, sorrow and joy permeating every moment of practice.
I didn’t try to contain my tears; the emotion was pure and reverent, not self-indulgent. I let the tears gently express my love, moving with, and being moved by, the experience.
Approaching Supta Kurmasana, I sensed that David was occupied elsewhere. Knowing I wouldn’t be adjusted today, I went into it alone and submerged myself into the shadowy depths of this dark pose. Then like an angel Simi appeared behind me; silently, patiently and gradually, she moved me into a secure bind that I wanted to stay in forever, ankles firmly crossed behind my head. She hadn’t been assisting in class today and had interrupted her own practice to come over to me. I was so grateful.
There was a point where the drizzle of tears started to escalate and I thought I might start sobbing out loud, my breath had started to catch in my throat – it was just after the Garbha Pindasana rolls. I had to pause mid-stream, recompose myself and feel the reassuring support of the solid ground for a moment. Emotion sparked by the higher impulses of love, truth and beauty can deteriorate into self pity when left unattended; I redirected the emotion back upwards from the lower to the higher sphere, back towards the divine.
Tears fell freely during Baddha Konasana, their little splashes magnified at such close range. I did BK A, humbly surrendering my body to the earth again, then BK B, curling protectively into an embryonic circle, then BK C, coming up to face the world again, liquid eyes, naked wet face. David’s presence behind me was an invisible prompt to repeat and replay them, so I surrendered completely again, this time beneath his weight in A, then pressing back into him for B and C, softly pushing my shape up into his body as much as I could in the moment.
Urdhva Dhanurasana came around and I had no hesitation. Strangely this pose felt like a comforting friend. I did 4 of them, filling out my curved body like a hand giving shape to a glove, then I sat up to check if David was free – but again he was preoccupied at the front of the room, this time carefully watching Simi’s lithe form as she dropped back. I watched too. So graceful and strong. I took note of how she lifted her arms then rotated her shoulders, spreading outwards across the back shoulders, front shoulders slightly contracting so that her raised palms faced backwards, thumbs on the outerside. Then she bent her elbows, maintaining the shoulder rotation so her elbows pointed forwards, she curved and dropped back softly, her hands turning at the last suspended moment before touchdown. Exquisite.
I stood up, feeling light, free, and softened. With a childlike naiivety, I too dropped back softly into Urdhva Dhanurasana. Thoughts were suspended, mind was neutral, heart soft and open. Three solo dropbacks before David came over to assist with 5 more. I hadn’t done solo dropbacks since before the back injury last year. I approached them full of love instead of fear and hesitation, and let that love flow through my body. Something beautiful had come over me and the dropbacks were the pinnacle of my faith and surrender.
As is often the case lately, I was the last to leave. After changing into my work clothes, I left the building just ahead of Simi and David, so I asked if they’d noticed I’d been crying throughout the practice. They hadn’t. I immediately felt a twinge of melancholy that my tears and emotions had gone unnoticed, but then I felt a sense of relief. Somehow the teachers’ detachment reminded me that whatever arises, passes away.
(Angies CD is "Liquid Mind VI" Spirit).
Thanks Ange.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Monday 27th March 2006
That moment when the alarm goes off at 5.05am is critical – eyes spring open – it’s Groundhog Day again. What’s the first thought? What mind state do I choose as the flavour of my day? What’s the motivation for even getting out of bed to face another Groundhog Day?
I faltered for a minute or two this morning thinking that yesterday’s double whammy of practice and surfing might have physically overtaxed me. Could I manage to get up and do another practice? I did. You see I’m learning not to listen to that voice of doubt - it’s negative and it’s usually wrong. These negative thoughts cleverly steer us away from our ideals. I’m waging war on them, exposing and exterminating them.
Not only did I overcome the lazy voice telling me to stay in bed (AND it did have a very persuasive argument) I proved it wrong by having a really good practice. The heat of my inner conviction burned more brightly for having overcome the initial doubt. I was sparking. I could have easily set fire to my corner of the shala. The Meditative Beginner was next to me again this morning, but I was much more involved with my own practice than hers today.
Physically I have three challenges to work with in this practice at the moment (will reflect on the mental, emotional and spiritual ones another time):
1) My right knee has been gradually stiffening up over the years, and it seems like no amount of extended work in the half lotus poses is improving it. Can still do full Padmasana, but I figure it’s only a matter of time before I lose it. I think my knee’s just deteriorating with age as all body parts eventually must do.
So be it.
2) My right shoulder joint is all askew, twisted and knotty. Prasaritta Padottanasana C shows it up. There’s always at least one pose in the Primary series which will expose a defect (bad word but couldn’t think of another). Wading out into the ocean yesterday, surfboard floating on the water next to me, my right hand guiding the board, I noticed how I had to tighten my right shoulder and arm to control the board each time a wave came through. The shoulder joint was feeling really unstable, so maybe surfing has caused the problem. If so I have two remedies: either jump on the board and start paddling early while still in the shallows or wade out the usual distance holding the board under the other arm, thereby wrecking my left shoulder too.Or there’s option 3: continued adjustments and physical therapy in Prasaritta PadottanasanaC.
3) Challenge number 3 is my lower back which still refuses to curve - probably why it broke (well almost) in Supta Kurmasana last year. All my forward bends are as flat as pancakes but the bend is all from the pelvic tilt. In Padangusthasana today, David told me to pull up the top of my thighs and round my lower back more. He’s onto my Supta Kurmasana case. It feels structurally impossible for me to curve this area, but I know I have to keep working into this to unlock whatever has cemented itself into this area.
Last year I was well on my way to mastering Pasasana before my back injury (Simi had given me poses up to Salabhasana B). Curving the spine is crucial for Pasasana so I wonder if it might be helpful to unofficially explore this pose again. On second thoughts, I should probably stick to what I’m given and start spending double time in Parivritta Parsvakonasana instead – similar work to Pasasana through the hips and lower back.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Sunday 26th March 2006
Sundays are shaping up to be a full day instead of a rest day.
The Sunday ritual for the past few years has been to spend the morning with my partner (after the night before of course), then off to see my Mum at lunchtime then catch up on the past week’s housework and the coming week’s cooking in the afternoon, squeezing in a walk up my favourite mountain somewhere in between.
Now it’s all changed: my partner and I have separated, I no longer live with my son so housework and cooking are redundant, and now I live with Mum so I don’t have to go visit her!
The Sunday ritual has therefore changed. I go to self practice at the shala at 6am, follow that with a kick start coffee and now I’ve made a blood pact with the girls that we’ll keep Sunday afternoons free for surfing every week.
This morning I headed for the shala, did a half-hearted practice then stayed on for the once a month get together; we did some chanting, Simi read a couple of stories and then related an episode from the Bhagavad Gita. After that about 10 of us shared breakfast on the shala floor. It was quite nice to sit around and mingle. Then off surfing in the afternoon and back in time for dinner.
It’s curious how I yearn for more time to chill out, yet every time there’s a window of opportunity to do nothing I have to fill it up with something else like there’s no tomorrow.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
