Diary of a yoga nobodhi

Friday 18th March

Reflections on having a body
As we get older - more mature I mean – our yoga practice will change and naturally deepen and evolve. That is the nature of any long term practice. I am more drawn these days to practices that will open my mind and heart to the divine, and less inclined to spend my precious time on anything that doesn’t support this direction.
Yet I get on the mat every morning, often working up a sweat tying my body into various knots, twisting and pulling it in multiple directions, moving in and out of shapes that cast strange silhouettes in the emerging morning sunlight (what an interesting short film that would make – the moving shadow of someone doing the Ashtanga practice as the light slowly changes - hmmm). Where does this physical yoga practice fit into my spiritual quest for enlightenment?

Viewed as it is in the West as gymnastics, fitness, body consciousness, it seems quite absurd. The physical preoccupation can seem contrary to a spiritual quest where the ego and it’s preoccupation with the self must be dissolved and transcended to attain universal consciousness.

But as my multi level practice evolves, I’m becoming more aware of the unnecessary split between physical/spiritual aspirations. We have a body, a mind, a heart, emotions, energies, and they are all woven together into an extraordinary matrix, each separate thread interacting and intricately affecting the others to form the fluid fabric of our everchanging existence.

My physical wellbeing can and does affect my mood and colour my experience of the world. Pain, injury, aching, sickness can be great teachers of course (patience, acceptance), but the most important lesson I’ve learned from them over the years is how to look after myself in such a way that I rarely have to deal with them. The occasional problem in my body that arises gives me an opportunity to reassess what I’ve been doing wrong to cause it to cry out for attention. In most cases, it’s just an imbalance that is self inflicted by minor fluctuations in diet, lifestyle, exertion, stress, or sensitivity.

When I inhabit a body that is lithe, strong, supple and at ease, I am free to pursue higher plateaus of existence, unhindered. To respect and care for our bodies is also an expression of love for the sacred life we’ve been given. Together, love and discipline are the two essential ingredients that make up joyful effort which, to me, are essential for a life long yoga/spiritual practice. To deny the importance of keeping our physical abode in top condition is almost sacrilegious.

So I guess this rambling blurb is just me trying to become clearer on the reasons why I continue to spend 2 hours on the yoga mat, 5 days a week. How much more powerful the Buddha would have been if he had devoted some time each day to empowering his body and increasing his stamina. But somehow the cuddly, seated, meditating Buddha just wouldn’t be the same if he looked like an Olympic athlete now would he?

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Friday 11th March 2005

Darren’s class
Had to let Darren know about my eye problem so I could get out of the obligatory mid class 10 minute Headstand.
It would have been safer to avoid doing any inversions at all, but because I was feeling quite strong and light in class today I wanted to do it all. Just my luck…it turned out to be a full on backbending session.

We started with the usual Handstands and Pincha Mayurasana, did a series of standing poses and then the Headstand, for which I substituted a supported Setu Bandha Sarvangasana over a bolster. Then the backbending started: Shalabhasana, Urdhva Mukha Svanasana, Bhujangasana, Dhanurasana, Parsva Dhanurasana, Bhekasana, Urdhva Dhanurasana, Viparitta Dandasana, Eka Pada Viparitta Dandasana, Ustrasansa, and Kapotasana (walking our hands down the wall to the floor). Then Viparitta Chakrasana (I that’s what it’s called…the pose that starts in Pincha Mayurasana before bending the knees and attempting to touch your feet to the back of your head – but we did it with the support of a chair, kicking up to PM, then curling over until the feet landed onto the chair seat. Once there, making an effort to bring the chest more towards the feet. Time was running out so we didn’t do the grande finale standing dropbacks. After all this it was the usual Ardha Halasana over a chair before Savasana.

The eye was bothering me a bit this morning. I’ve had a few eye hemorrhages over the years, but they haven’t been accompanied by any real sensations. I usually don’t even know it’s happened until someone looks at me and screams. This one I can feel, but I figure it’s because I’m more sensitive to my physiology. There’s an icey heat behind my left eye, and the whole eye area feels fatigued.

In my yoga practice, Uttanasana (and to a lesser extent Downward Dog) has amplified the swollen feeling of pressure in my head. In the head down position, it’s like the floodgates have opened to my brain and all the blood from my body just goes rushing in to over fill my head. Something’s not quite right in there, but I’ll give it a few days grace to fix itself before I start worrying.

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Thursday 10th March 2005

Weak practice today. Gave it away after the standing poses.
Being a bit of a fringe Ashtangi, I only occasionally follow the “no practice on moon days” rule (when it suits me actually), and I haven’t been keeping track of the moon phases lately, but I discovered after practice that it was a moon day, so I very conveniently blamed the new moon for my weak practice.
Also discovered this morning that I had burst another blood vessel in my left eye. The white part of my eye is now blood red – not a good look for a yogi. This is the second rupture in two weeks…the first one I discovered on Saturday and suspect that one was caused by the 10 minute Headstand in Darren’s Friday morning class (or more likely there’s some weakness or abnormality within the eye that Headstand aggravated). So it’s no Headstands for a while.

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Wednesday 9th March 2005

Same deal as yesterday, still tender and stiff in the back of my left hip. Made my way through the entire primary series quite well, only missing Supta Kurmasana.

Plain old Kurmasana was particularly difficult today, nowhere near my usual straight legs/heels off the ground pose. The tenderness in my hip prevented even a close approximation, so I had to make do with bent knees and quiet observation within the pose. That precluded any possibility of Supta Kurmasana, hence I missing it out.

The injury manifested more intensely when I got to the seated forward bends. The poses themselves were solid but each successive vinyasa in between deteriorated as my hip started to freeze up. The jumpbacks to Chaturanga were OK but curving into Upward Dog became progressively more difficult and painful. By the end of the four Marichys, I couldn’t do an Upward Dog at all. Imagine trying to get from the flat back of Chaturanga into Upward Dog when your back feels like its frozen hard into the plank position. My breath started to catch each time I attempted to curl into the arched back position and I had to take a few deep calming breaths to soften my body’s protective resistance to it. Happy to report that after practice my hip felt a lot better, as if it’s on the mend.

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Tuesday 8th March 2005

Still here…but posting is getting a bit sporadic. There’s often not much of interest to write about daily practice and no good chunks of quality time to think, reflect and write about anything else. Typical complaints of a 21st century 9-5pm working yogi –rise at 5.15am for 2 hour morning practice, then off to work, get home, do dinner, clean up and walk puppy (we recently renamed her Buffy) and WHOA it’s 9.30pm. Weekends get filled up with family and relationship commitments and if I’m lucky, there is an occasional weekend when a little window of opportunity appears, maybe a couple of hours on a Sunday morning when I can go AWOL for a surf or a solitary bushwalk. Really this is not good enough if I want to reach enlightenment in this lifetime! Yeah I know, enlightenment is being here, now, fully, with exactly what we have. But a bit more head space to remember this would be nice.

Occasionally I wonder whether I should sacrifice my regular 2 hours on the mat for a different form of spiritual practice. Should I be watching my breath in stillness instead of dancing through an Ashtanga practice with it? Am I barking up the wrong tree? Am I wasting precious time? Am I wasting a precious lifetime?

Practice
I was a bit disappointed not to be able to get to David’s Mysore class yesterday, especially as Monday’s the only day I can go. My back left hip mysteriously seized up on Sunday afternoon and I have no explanation.
After a half hearted Ashtanga practice on Saturday morning I taught my Level 1 class and had no other physical activity after that. When I got up on Monday morning, my left back hip area was so tender that I couldn’t curve into Upward Dog without agony on one side of my lower back.
This morning in the Gallery I was fully prepared to replace my Ashtanga practice with 2 hours of meditation – sitting absolutely still sounded safe. But out of ritual and courtesy, I joined Kosta and Renate for the preparatory Oms and a chant, then decided to tentatively move through a Sun Salute. If I was real careful it was OK. I figured if my body warmed up, the hip stiffness might recede.
And amazingly, I made it through most of the practice.

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Monday 21st February 2005

Had a great Mysore session this morning. I‘m getting used to David’s personality and language. I quite often don’t understand what he wants me to do in a pose, but I put that down my years of Iyengar training where there are particular ways of describing the adjustments to the body.
David doesn’t really conform to this language.

I had a very annoying fold in my mat this morning that wouldn’t flatten itself out. My last Mysore class at the shala was 2 weeks ago and the mat’s been in my car since then (I leave it in the car so I won’t forget to take it with me) and I must have rolled it up with a fold in it. So when I unrolled it this morning at the shala I felt a bit remiss, like I’d neglected to take care of my sacred mat. Trying to press it out before I started made no difference. The fold seemed to be molded in forever.
A lesson in accepting imperfection followed.
Had to just let it be and practice on a mat with a giant ripple in it. Jumping back, I kept trying to avoid landing my feet on the ripple, then got tired of this preoccupation, gave up trying to avoid it, and landed on it every time. Five breaths in Dog Pose gave me extended time to ponder the effects of uneven pressure under the ball of my foot. I wondered how it would affect my alignment and energy, comparing it to an acupressure/reflexology treatment into one foot. It must ricochet throughout the body and organs on some level I thought.
Not until I got to Triang Mukhaikapada did I again get tired of this preoccupation and decided to make a determined attempt to flatten out the fold. By this time, my stickymat was stuck to the floor so I peeled up the end, stretched out the fold and stuck it down again.
Clear sailing from then on.

Generally felt really well in practice this morning, the result of bushwalking a couple of times this week. I’m lucky to have a great walk not far from my house in the foothills which is a loop walk, so I end up back at the car. It’s not a long walk but it’s pretty vigorous, up and around the mountain, probably similar in impact to a 30 minute jog – a nice way to build up aerobic fitness. While I was there I picked about 2 kilos of blackberries and even spotted a few sleepy koalas.

Random notes from this morning’s practice:

Prasaritta Padottanasana C – David pointed out that I need to roll my left shoulder more forward. I’m still rolling my shoulders back Iyengar-open-chest-style in this one.

Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana – David just silently supported my raised leg on both sides – no instructions or guidance.

Marichyasana D – lower back still out of order, no feeling in it here. This area needs either a lot of patient work or an injury to bring awareness and movement to it.

Kurmasana – heels off the ground by the 5th breath and it felt so good that I stayed in it for 7.

Supta Kurmasana – David got my feet crossed behind my head but the block in my lower back was obvious. It won’t round over, which is what I need for this pose to open me.

Garbha Pindasana - used the spray bottle: no probs getting deeply into the pose with arms through the Padmasana legs, but I only made it through 6 rolls. Out of practice with the real thing. I’ve been doing it too long with my arms around my legs instead of through them. Just lazy. I bought a water bottle from the supermarket especially to do the real thing in our Gallery practice and we only used it a couple of times before it disappeared from under my work desk. Must buy another one.

Baddha Konasana A – Got laid on here, knees pressed to the floor…wow…didn’t know they’d go that far so easily. In Baddha Konasana C where you sit up straight, David leaned heavily into me from behind so I had to press back into him quite firmly to avoid going into the forward bend again.

Urdhva Mukha Paschimottanasana – Rolled up into a perfect balance in this one today for the second time in history. The difference was that I visualized myself doing it in that split second before the roll up. Made me marvel at the incredible power of positive thought. Usually I lay there on my back holding the outer edges of my feet with a feeling of dread at the prospect of rolling up halfway and failing yet again.
Here lies a profoundly important lesson for me. Visualise what you want to do, really see yourself doing it, and it happens like magic.

Urdhva Dhanurasana – In my third backbend, I walked my hands in close to my feet to really deepen the backbend and David came behind me and rolled my outer shoulders forward so strongly that my arms went limp, so I had to bring all my will and focus into reviving my arm strength while my shoulders were rotated inwards – it felt like hell and took great determination , but I kept at it and didn’t collapse.
This same shoulder rotation was more difficult to sustain in the drop back preparations. David showed me how wrong my dropback technique is. I lift and open my chest and spread my front body from the centre outwards which he said is flattening my upper body. Nice long closing sequence and I actually counted the correct number of breaths instead of guessing today.

I’m going to enjoy Monday mornings at the shala – I think it’s the quietest day (only about 9 people there this morning), so you get lots of attention and David’s being very generous with me. ____________________________________________________________________________________________