Diary of a yoga nobodhi

Friday 19th November 2004

Darren’s class was cancelled this morning because of a workshop at the Iyengar studio with Alan Goode (which I couldn’t afford to do) so I went to Simi’s led Primary practice instead.

When I entered the shala, I glanced to the front of the room to greet Simi but she wasn’t there. I didn’t look around at who was where, just walked anonymously to my habitual spot and proceeded with my few wake up stretches. After a couple of minutes, I heard Simi’s sweet voice greeting me, I looked up to see her directly opposite me. She’d placed her mat amongst us all instead of at the front of the room. Now the shala is quite narrow so the two rows on either side are not far apart. My initial thoughts were like “ she’ll be watching me like a hawk, I can’t cheat or wimp out, I want to impress her with my practice, blah blah”… caught myself thinking this crap, then dropped it all in an instant. No pretense, be real.
I really enjoyed being opposite her. Every time I curved into Upward Dog I felt a lovely unison with her as she also curved up deeply, but I had to focus my nasagrai drishti consciously each time (in case she was looking at me instead of her drishti). My drishti is not usually so precise, but it was today.

The practice as a whole was a bit slower than what I’m used to doing. It took a while to adjust to a slower breath and a slower pace. I worked out early that I’d blow out if I didn’t quieten my mind down a couple of notches to cope with Simi’s slower breath rhythm. So I accepted it and chilled out a bit.

I was sort of hoping to pick up some of the technical points that Simi directs in the poses but she led the class differently this morning. No points at all about how to work in the poses. She counted (ekam, dve, trini etc) and named the poses we entered each one and that was all – not another word until the next count to move on. Having not been to a led class with Simi for maybe 7-8 months, I don’t know if this is her usual style now or whether it was just one of those days for her (I remember thinking she used to talk too much in led classes which I found quite distracting). Guess I’m just never satisfied.
When I don’t really feel like teaching a class, I often wish I could just lead without giving instructions or adjustments, just name the pose and shut up, but I always think my students will feel cheated, like they’re not getting their money’s worth, not learning how to work better in the poses (beginners usually think getting further is more important than feeling what’s happening, despite our efforts to communicate otherwise). Maybe my projection.

Anyway, I’m glad I went. At least I did a full practice which I haven’t done for a while because of the head cold, the sprained toe, the period and whatever other excuse has come up lately.

Being directly opposite Simi I could watch her easily as I moved, but I was a bit torn between watching and following her and keeping my attention in with my own practice. I was able to learn a couple of more correct exits from poses and a few variations to my usual sequence, some which I’ll now incorporate – like the correct exit from Ardha Baddha Paschimottanasana, folding the extended leg into full Padmasana before jumping back. I like this move now but need to work more on lifting the legs much higher after they’re released from the Padmasana. At the moment I flick them horizontally back and lower through Chaturanga , so here’s one to work on.
I’ll also work on the correct exit from the Marichyasanas lifting up and folding the extended leg under before jumping back.
Another move which I’m not sure is authentic or not is raising the arms overhead before each Paschimottanasana. I’ll try this one for a while and see how it feels when I get used to it. Takes a bit more work in the lower back to lift up.
And yet another one to work on…the transition from Upavista Konasana A to B, keeping the legs in the wide V shape while raising them legs straight up instead of bending them in inwards first before opening them out to the balance.

Some other moves we did I might repeat on the good days, like going into Bakasana after Utkatasana, then from Bakasana doing a 3 point Headstand. I managed that one with some degree of finesse but hadn’t ever done the exit to Chaturanga/Upward Dog from the Headstand before and being a little overprotective of my right big toe after spraining it in the same move from Handstand recently, I came down one leg at a time. It was an awkward transition, but a safer one today.
Another one I’ll do on my good practice days is holding Parivritta Parsvakonasana B (the bound version) for 5 breaths and then opening to Parivritta Parsvakonasana A for 5 breaths.

But some moves I think just belong to Simi, like how she almost does a full drop back with hands on hips on the breath before coming forward into Padangusthasana A.

One thing I regretted this morning was missing my chance at full Garbha Pindasana. Before I left home, I slathered moisturizer over my arms but when the time came to do it, it just didn’t feel right to break the flow by hitching up my tights, grabbing the water bottle and spraying my arms and legs – this little ritual, although necessary for now, often feels like an annoying interruption. This morning because the count was so continuous, I just wrapped my arms around the outside of my Padmasana. Bad decision, as half the class did the full water bottle thing, sliding it across the floor from one side of the room to the other, each in turn spraying and lubricating. Once I’d wrapped on the outside, I didn’t feel like changing my position. That’s one to do properly next Monday.

For backbends, we did two Setu Bandha Sarvangasanas, then went to the wall for some quad stretches (like Virabhadrasana A but with the back knee to the floor and the shinbone pressed up against the wall, if that makes sense). After raising the arms up and gazing to the thumbs for 3 breaths, we moved into a deeper backbend by taking the hands back to the wall for 2 breaths. It was good prep but pretty rough on the back knee. After a couple of Urdhva Ds we walked the hands up the wall to come to standing.

That’s about it. Nothing monumental. Just practice.

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Monday 15th November 2004

Well I made it into the shala for Monday morning Mysore practice today but ended up only going to Marichy B. The cold I’ve had for the past week is still affecting my practice – it’s like a cloud has fogged over all my senses, my hearing is dim, my vision hazy, and my mind dull. Even my peripheral body feels like it’s covered in a thick layer.
But this turned out to be a good thing when I crashed out of handstand this morning. I kicked up ok, held it for a while, bent my elbows with strong support in my shoulders as the legs started to come down, but about half way down I lost the plot and this time, instead of crashing down onto my toes (like last time), I crash landed flat on my quads, probably unconsciously protecting my toes from another sprain. Amazingly, despite the loud bang that startled everyone, I didn’t feel a thing. Where has my graceful, controlled descent into a gliding Upward Dog gone?

There must have been a few people there this morning who were working with problems because after the opening chant, Simi gave a few words of encouragement about practicing with whatever is going on…injury, sickness, low energy…she said to modify the practice as we need to – that the practice should nurture us, it is there for us, as she is.
Perhaps it was those words that gave me the silent permission to bail out after Marichy B. The energy had just drained away breath by breath after that handstand. Up til then I was doing OK given that the focus was pretty groggy. I sort of alternated between a vague awareness of what I was doing and drifting off completely, swinging back and forth between the two, a bit like trying to tune a radio station and not quite getting the spot. When I can’t sustain a reasonably focused awareness, the practice is dull, uninspired, just hard work for the body.

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Friday 12th November

Hooray for Amazon.com.
An inner propulsion recently urged me to get a particular version of the Hatha Yoga Pradipika (Swami Muktabodhananda), so I went to the city’s major metaphysical bookshop with great anticipation only to find they had no copies of it left in stock. I asked at the counter and was told it was on order from India and could take up to three months! What??? I was devastated – the urge to get hold of this book was of biblical proportions. This couldn’t be!
Then I remembered hearing about Amazon.com. Logged on, ordered the book and got it 9 days after. So for the last few days, my only spare reading time before I fall asleep at night has been spent absolutely absorbed in this version of the classic text.
Every word, every sentence is striking a familiar chord of truth in my heart.
I read a different translation and commentary of the Pradipika over Christmas last year, but at the time it still seemed quite oblique and esoteric. I could sense its importance, but couldn’t quite connect into it.
Now I’m in awe at how much I understand, how pertinent and relevant it is to this leg of my journey.
A lot of what I’ve read so far (only the first three chapters but the extensive commentary makes it engaging reading) has reaffirmed what I’ve discovered on my own, in my own practice, on the mat, in meditation, in my daily life.
The entire path of yoga is one of purification, so that we may express in our daily life the pure energy of the divine power that has created us and of which we are a living part.
To merge with that which has created me, to feel the exquisite life force flowing through the energetic channels, to conduct this liquid energy requires a body and mind uninhibited by blockages, a body and mind that is open, free, pure and strong enough to handle this force.
That is why I practice.
That is why I’m here.

And just as I’m so inspired by the Pradipika, I’m also more and more convinced of the power of the Ashtanga Vinyasa practice to facilitate this.
I no longer question why I get on the mat at 6am in the mornings and move through a sequence of poses, breathing audibly, sweating visibly, seemingly possessed by an invisible force. I can now feel the mystical transformation happening: the purification of the nadis that channel Divine energy.
I no longer make excuses for being an Ashtanga yogi. I no longer care what others think or believe about this practice. It’s become a beloved part of my life.
This was reinforced for me last weekend with Donna Farhi was doing a 3 day workshop at the studio where I teach. There was an unspoken expectation that the teachers would participate, but I JUST WASN’T INTERESTED. Kosta oscillated between yes and no then decided at the last minute to do the workshop.
I really don’t want to be distracted by anyone else’s personal interpretation of yoga. Right now, I love my own.

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Thursday 11th November 2004

Day 3 of the head cold – it’s not too bad actually, sinuses thick but not blocked, vision a little blurry – no worse than yesterday.
Practised up to Prasaritta Padottanasana D then descended to the floor for Samakonasana – bad move that one – if you’re not real well it’s hard to get up off the floor once you’re down. Tried a few haphazard poses while I was down there but my body didn’t want to move or work at all. The mental effort I had to summon up to engage even a slight muscular contraction wasn’t worth the stress so I figured my body needed complete rest, not movement.
I don’t remember feeling the effects of a cold in my body with this much magnification. And the cold’s not even a bad one!
One theory I have is that my sensitivity to my body/mind state has steadily been increasing over the past 12 months or so – the channels of communication between my body, mind and spirit are clearer, the messages exquisitely precise.
Whatever is going on in my body/mind/emotions can’t be ignored any more, they’re amplified, they scream. What used to be fuzzy unclear feelings or sensations are now so brightly illuminated that there’s no choice but to acknowledge and respond in whatever way is necessary to move back to a state of internal balance and harmony.
So as I mentioned, after the Prasarittas I came down to Samakonasana/Upavista Konasana and held it there before gently twisting to each side, no pushing, no pressure to open up these sore joints – just hold gently and feel. Laid back with a rolled up blanket under my upper back to open the lungs a little, then came up for a very soft Janu Sirsasana A and then Ardha Baddha Paschimottanasana. I put the rolled up blanket on the extended leg, intending to inch my way into these poses as passive forward bends, but I couldn’t even get that far into the poses, so just held them all quietly upright, eyes closed to direct the focus more into my inner world.
The attempt I made to sit in meditation after that was well intentioned but quite frankly a total waste of time. The effort to even sit up was beyond me so I gave up and laid back in Savasana, falling in and out of consciousness.

Yep - another Savasana practice.

Funny thing – I don’t mind any more when I can’t practice or even when I get an injury. The journey has become so fascinating no matter what’s happening.

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Wednesday 10th November

Day 2 of the headcold – no problems getting out of bed and to the Gallery for practice. There’s about 10 minutes of setting up to do once I get there: move the two heaters out of the classrooms and into the Gallery, bring out the mats, blankets and equipment from my office, light some incense (always Nag Champa), and find the extension cord which surreptitiously slithers around the school at night and finds new secret places to hide every day.
Then I just wait for whoever to turn up, do a few stretches and check in with myself while I’m waiting.
This morning instead of a few stretches and checking in with myself, I laid back in Supta Baddha Konasana and drifted back into a comatose sleep –not a good start but a portent of the practice to come. I woke up just on 6am after 10 minutes of sleep on the mat and no-one had turned up. I was so drowsy I contemplated packing up and going home to bed. But I couldn’t even manage that… my energy was below zero thanks to this cold, so I decided on the other option of falling back to sleep on my mat. Then Sasha G and Sascha H turned up. I mentally pulled it together, and physically hauled myself up into a couple of lunges.
Stepped through the Surja Namaskars quite meekly with no doubt by the end of them that the head cold had drained everything out of me – my body was stiff and fragile. Gave up trying after Trikonasana, did a few passive opening poses and spent an hour in savasana.

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Tuesday 9th November 2004

Had a bit of a break…my last practice was last Thursday and then due to the arrival of this monthly female thing on Thursday I missed Darren’s Friday class, the teachers practice on Saturday and Simi’s class on Monday.
And what do you know? I came down with a head cold last night, but had a great practice this morning despite the break and the head cold.

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