Diary of a yoga nobodhi

Monday 18th October 2004

The Ashtanga Relationship
It seems I’m not the only one who talks about a ‘relationship’ with their Ashtanga practice. Lately for me it’s been a love/hate relationship, occasionally a co-dependant one (can’t live with it, can’t live without it). At times it’s obsessive because the practice makes me feel so alive and I want more of it; but come the tough times when there’s injury or ongoing struggles and I want to give up and leave the relationship; I dream of an easier, simpler life with no practice commitments, no early mornings, no challenges.

What keeps me coming back to the mat every day? What kind of a relationship is this? Outsiders view it as obsessive (jeez, I remember for so many years judging my father as compulsive/obsessive because he did his exercises and pushups religiously in the lounge room every day, and here am I, just like him).
Maybe it’s just a habit, something I do as a matter of course each day, a deep groove I’ve cut into my schedule because I can’t imagine my life without it.
Or maybe it’s an addiction that keeps me high, a two hour magical mystery flying carpet ride that takes me to the exotic far reaches of my mind, the edge of my universe. I love the thrill of the ride, those first few breaths before take off into the Surya Namaskars, pulling back the engine and cutting out the fuel to land safely in Savasana, the highs and lows of the journey in between, the pinnacle of balancing in a Handstand, the gnarly work in Marichy D, the smooth autopilot vinyasas, the breathtaking drama of Dropbacks, the familiar landmarks and the unexpected turbulence.
It’s a flight through never-never land that only other Ashtangis can understand.

This relationship with my practice is totally with my Self. The practice is just the vehicle I currently use to elevate my body, mind and soul to great heights so I can unite them together into a powerful force.

Can you tell I’ve had a few edgy weeks? That haunting question of whether the Ashtanga regimen is beneficial in my efforts to live an enlightened life keeps reoccurring.

This last week was especially interesting. My Tuesday morning practice was scary. I had no muscle energy at all which made stretching dangerous (imagine doing a deep Uttanasana without engaging the quads). By Prasaritta Padottanasana B, I was so limp I had to stop. Laid quietly for a while and then used the rest of the time to sit in meditation. After the practice I reflected on the last few days to see what could have caused a complete physiological meltdown….my diet hadn’t been any different, there were no particular stresses or emotional issues to drain my vitality. I couldn’t find an answer, except perhaps that I hadn’t practiced since last Thursday.

Wednesday morning was slightly better. I swept through the full Primary series with a good focus, but not much juice. By Thursday practice felt terrific, it was strong, fuelled by the breath and bandhas. Even remembered to incorporate more precise drishti which my technique usually lacks – I get so involved in the ujjayi breathing and my current infatuation with mulabandha that I forget to gaze up AT the thumb in Trikonasana and usually just look in that general direction; in Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana A and C, my gaze is inward as I concentrate on keeping my balance instead of looking AT the big toe, so my drishti is sort of general, hazy, peripheral (except with side drishti which is a sharper ‘observe-the person-next-to-me-drishti’). But I’m finding that a precise and penetrating drishti focus brings a sharper edge to the practice as if, by bringing consciousness to the eyes, they attract more prana/ch’i. “Where the attention goes, the energy flows”. Maybe the laser sharpness that comes to the eyes with proper drishti enlivens the third eye – just a wild hypotheses at this point. I’m nowhere near understanding this kind of sophisticated inner stuff.

By Friday I felt up there again. I went to Darren’s led Iyengar class expecting an arm balance practice but we got a mixed bag, with a few extra backbends: Viparitta Dandasana, Urdhva Dhanurasana, then Headstands dropping back to Viparitta Dandasana, and Handstands dropping back to Urdhva D (Viparitta Chakrasana). It was a strong, balanced class overall.

Saturday morning was a 6.30am teachers practice at the studio. Kosta and I started the Surya Namaskars and stayed in unison for a while. Rebecca arrived a little late and set up at the other end of the studio. The odd times I glanced over at her, she was doing something weird, completely covered up under blankets like a foetus (still under the spell of Donna Farhi). Kosta drifted away from the Ashtanga sequence after the Paschimottanasanas so I was on my own after that. I cut it short at Navasana even through I felt strong and focused, did a long, deep backbending sequence and then moved into the inversions: my presence in each of the finishing poses felt eternal, deeply engaged in the subtleties of each pose, feeling the moment to moment changes as my mind saturated my body.

So to sum up the last couple of weeks in terms of my relationship with my practice, we hit a brick wall that brought up lots of doubts and questions, we almost separated, but I stuck it out and we’re back together again. The relationship has grown, I know it better…I know myself better.
This is a pattern that I see occurring elsewhere in my life and it’s a good thing. It’s a commitment to working through the more challenging times instead of giving up and running away.


Power Living
This is the title of a book that I saw in a shop window at lunchtime today. I didn’t stop to look at it, maybe I will tomorrow. But the title alone gave me something to chew on as I wandered back to work.

My friend Gemma recently described Savasana as a Power Nap (an oxymoron if ever there was one) but it made me laugh because it’s so true. How to squeeze a deep 8 hour sleep into 10 minutes - first the power workout then the power relaxation!

At first glance, the concept of power living is very attractive. Life to the max. Nothing wasted. Gathering and utilizing all of our personal resources, squeezing every drop of juice out of every moment to get as much out of life as possible before it’s over. I sure could get sucked into it. Ashtanga feeds this desire as it stretches us to the limits of our physical and emotional endurance, then unashamedly asks for more – 2 hours of steamroom instensity. I love those moments of aliveness.

When I think of all the times I’ve had a power surge and felt REALLY alive, it’s when my heart’s been either on fire, or ripped open; or when I’ve been sliding down that fine razor’s edge between life and death: surfing unfamiliar breaks and gnarly waves much too big for me, flying a little aeroplane solo through turbulent air pockets, completely lost and alone in flat bushland with no map, compass or water with the sun setting into a freezing night.
I feel it when I reconnect back to the Source (The Divine, God, however you name the un-namable), when I remember that I am That, when the nameless fills me and I am left breathless.. wordless...endless.

Now I feel goosebumps most of the time - just being alive is edgy and exciting, every moment is miraculous, scary, pregnant with possibility. It’s our potential to live extraordinary lives that I find so exciting.
Rumi asks: “Why are you still in prison, when the door is wide open”


Simplicity
I’m on a mission. How can I simplify my life, do less, what can I let go of to make more space? I’ve cleaned out my wardrobe and given away three huge bags of clothes – what a relief. I’ve given notice at the studio that I need to cut my teaching schedule down to two classes a week next year – what a relief. I’m learning to say no, to put boundaries on my time and energy.
The memory of a peaceful life, a contented mind, a slower pace…I’d forgotten. I lost it somewhere in my attempt at superhuman power living, juggling a day job, night time teaching, 5 mornings of practice, family and relationship commitments.
Spiritual practice is so much about letting go, and that can be a rebalancing act.
But the more you let go of your attachments, judgements, opinions, and especially your sense of identity, the more you are free. And in that freedom is unlimited power, unencumbered by any limitations – true power living.

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