Sunday 2nd May
Last Tuesday and Wednesday we did our 6am Ashtanga self practice in the art gallery space (a central feature of the art school where I work). From next week I’ve committed myself to practicing there every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday because I’ve invited a few people to join me and I’ll have to open up and get the heaters going before anyone arrives. There may be up to six of us or there could be just me. I’m really looking forward to the discipline of practicing regularly again.
Last Wednesday it was just me and Kosta. Although he was following me, I was fully submerged in the flow most of the time and unaware of his presence. He even followed me through Pasasana, Krounchasana and Salabhasana. I finally mustered the courage to start doing the drop backs again and even came back up a few times too. Kosta must have been on a roll because he continued on with a few really nice handstand dropbacks (something I can only do with assistance or in my dreams).
I have no teacher now. It’s just me, doing my own practices and listening within. As far as the Ashtanga practice goes, it feels like a time to consolidate what I’ve learned from Simi over the last year, to just keep working with it and through it, listening and feeling carefully to the messages that arise with each pose, observing what attitude and mind state I bring to the mat each morning.
There's no teacher to push me further, or to point out my lazy mistakes, or to take me into the scary deep zone of a pose. It will just be comfortable solid repetition for a while until circumstances change yet again.
My yoga teaching schedule is about to drop back to two classes a week for the next two months, so life’s feeling just a little more manageable, more simple. Time to more fully experience what’s actually going on in and around me instead of being permanently distracted. From the end of July I'll go back to teaching 4 classes a week.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Monday 26th April
Vipassana Meditation
In prolonged meditation sessions you get to see very clearly the junk that continuously whirls around in your mind – most of it useless.
For me it’s a mind obsessed with planning: how I’m going to improve my daily life, planning what to teach in my next yoga classes, or who to invite to the morning self practice sessions, organizing how to get time off for the birth of my grand-daughter or my next Vipassana retreat or a trip to Sydney, working out the best day to have my car serviced, or what to cook, or whether to shower in the morning or evening, and so the mundane list goes on. The past doesn’t concern me so much, except to use it to inform my plans for tomorrow, next week, next year. Analysis and planning are my enemies.
In meditation, while observing this constant stream of narrative and planning, I am simultaneously working to quieten it. Coming back to the present, my changing breath, the physical sensations now amplified, aching inflamed nerves, a pinching in a shoulder muscle, the movement of my diaphragm, heat in the back of my neck. Oops, my thumbs have separated and I'm leaning backwards again...straighten the spine. The urge to move is observed closely as it arises, and then the slow motion process begins of deciding whether to give in and reposition, or to sit with that urge and observe it a bit longer so as to determine the cause of the urge: physical discomfort or boredom?
Only then do you move.
When the mind is quiet, clear and concentrated, the urge to move the body doesn’t arise; only when the mind wanders does the body get restless.
During the 3 days of the retreat I had no desire at all to do any physical yoga. I wanted my body to be fully immersed in meditation for the 3 days so I could monitor the physical after effects. I vividly remember doing Trikonasana and a standing backbend, hiding out in the toilet cubicles during my first 10 day retreat; that first sitting was such a physical shock and my body was screaming for the familiar stretching and opening of deep asana work. Physical exercise and yoga are discouraged on Vipassana retreats. They can can be a distraction from the intense inner focus required for deep change (or they can feel like the only friends you've got when the going gets tough!). Vipassana aims to break down the habit patterns of our desires and thoughts.
Noble silence is the greatest blessing on retreat. Within silence there is a deep and eternal peace, the quiet power of the Infinite. It’s always there, like a hidden lake miles below the bustle of the city streets. In meditation you find the map that can take you there, then you retrace your steps over and over. Sometimes amid the bustle of life I forget that its there. Silence reminds me
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Friday 23rd April 2004
The promise of a quieter, more contained life looms as I head off for the first 3 days of a Vipassana retreat tonight. Three days will have to suffice until I can get leave from work to do a full 10 day retreat later this year. Vipassana retreats often mark the start of a new phase for me. Perhaps I sense the need for a spiritual spring cleaning every so often. I know the first thing I do when I get home from a retreat is clean my house and my fridge…purge out all that is superfluous in my life to reflect my polished inner state.
I’ve recovered from the shock of no longer going to Simi’s shala for morning Mysore classes. There was a grieving process to go through with that loss: anger, denial, sadness etc until finally acceptance – then life goes on.
Simi’s is the only authentic Ashtanga shala in this city, but there are a couple of other teachers around. I tried out an evening Ashtanga class with “George” on Wednesday after work. It’s held in a huge community hall with a gymnasium feel about it. About 14 people showed up, chatting, joking, laying around on their mats after their hard day at work. Once it got going, the practice was purely a physical workout, no mention of bandhas and only a very occasional direction of where to gaze. George wandered around giving dangerous adjustments, giving me a yank into Marichy D and a strong spinal flattening in Kurmasana. My practice was strong and fluid and I thoroughly enjoyed just moving through it quite lightly for a change. After the class, someone approached me wide-eyed and said I was awesome to watch. I felt a bit embarrassed to have attracted that attention but it was understandable when I considered the level at which the others were at and their two dimensional approach to the practice. It felt nice to be able to show them how beautiful the Ashtanga practice can be – that you can imbue it with a grace and power and an unwavering focus that contains the energy. A lot of people practice with one eye on their neighbours, one eye on the teacher and both ears open to what’s being said 3 mats down both left and right. Focus and therefore energy is dissipated all over the place. We all have days like that, but it shouldn’t be the norm. On those days, Savasana is a struggle and I walk out of class with my head quietly imploding. But in George's class on Wednesday night I was fully in every moment and movement and despite being surrounded by beginners (or maybe because of that) my practice felt rich and velvety.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Monday 12th April
At Mysore practice this morning I had the misfortune of being between two second series practitioners. Not good for yoga self-esteem. I think the girl on my right moved to Pasasana after Parsvottanasana. Her jump throughs from Dog Pose are etherial. They seem to defy all laws of gravity. She hovers, suspended effortlessly in some kind of handstand with straight legs parallel to the floor, before perfectly sweeping them through to Dandasana. I felt so clumsy in comparison, but I figure if I stick at it, then eventually the penny will drop and my practice will take on that helium grace.
The guy on my left was having a pretty good time, cracking a casual joke here and there. Towards the end of the practice there were four people around me, standing up waiting for David to help them with drop backs (David was at the other end of the room). They just joked around for a while until he turned up - he didn't know who to help first. It was like a supermarket line up.
I was very aware of my wandering attention this morning, but it was my first Mysore practice with David, so I was curious: listening to what he was saying as he adjusted people, watching him shimmy between us all, eager to get to everybody. My only adjustment was in Marichy D where I've pretty much lost the plot lately. I don't know why I've always thought the back shoulder has to roll back in this pose - David had me rolling the shoulder forward. He also got me to squeeze the sitting bones together which gave a deeper opening in the hips. Again I didn't attempt any of my second series poses, or the drop backs. Major regression happening here. Just getting through primary series feels like a marathon now. I'm gonna have to rebuild the practice all over again. It's become a bit flatline - a maintenance practice where I don't push at the boundaries. I've been feeling very susceptible to injury lately and keeping it safe.
David's made it clear that he doesn't want anyone muddying the purity of the primary practice: no props, no embellishments, no lifting to headstand or handstand from Prasaritta Padottanasana, no Hanumanasana in primary series. The guy opposite me was severely reprimanded by David when he moved to the window ledge for Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana. Bad Boy.
I had a baffling moment when I couldn't get my arm through my Padmasana for Garbha Pindasana. No Way would it go through. Then the light finally went on and I realised I'd crossed my legs the wrong way (right over left). Evidence of a distracted mind (and an uneven Padmasana). Lost the rolls completely then, slowing to a stall three times during the 360. The flow of the practice kind of dropped off after that although I almost got both legs fully straight and my heels off the ground in Kurmasana. This pose used to be a favourite before the hamstring injury. Now my right leg goes into a sort of Parkinson's wobble when I try and direct the energy through to straighten it.
So where will I go from here with the practice, now that the shala set up has changed... Perhaps after a few more classes with David the answer will come. For now I have no idea, but trust my journey will continue to unfold perfectly - guided by the silent, ever present universal intelligence.
Last Tuesday and Wednesday we did our 6am Ashtanga self practice in the art gallery space (a central feature of the art school where I work). From next week I’ve committed myself to practicing there every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday because I’ve invited a few people to join me and I’ll have to open up and get the heaters going before anyone arrives. There may be up to six of us or there could be just me. I’m really looking forward to the discipline of practicing regularly again.
Last Wednesday it was just me and Kosta. Although he was following me, I was fully submerged in the flow most of the time and unaware of his presence. He even followed me through Pasasana, Krounchasana and Salabhasana. I finally mustered the courage to start doing the drop backs again and even came back up a few times too. Kosta must have been on a roll because he continued on with a few really nice handstand dropbacks (something I can only do with assistance or in my dreams).
I have no teacher now. It’s just me, doing my own practices and listening within. As far as the Ashtanga practice goes, it feels like a time to consolidate what I’ve learned from Simi over the last year, to just keep working with it and through it, listening and feeling carefully to the messages that arise with each pose, observing what attitude and mind state I bring to the mat each morning.
There's no teacher to push me further, or to point out my lazy mistakes, or to take me into the scary deep zone of a pose. It will just be comfortable solid repetition for a while until circumstances change yet again.
My yoga teaching schedule is about to drop back to two classes a week for the next two months, so life’s feeling just a little more manageable, more simple. Time to more fully experience what’s actually going on in and around me instead of being permanently distracted. From the end of July I'll go back to teaching 4 classes a week.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Monday 26th April
Vipassana Meditation
In prolonged meditation sessions you get to see very clearly the junk that continuously whirls around in your mind – most of it useless.
For me it’s a mind obsessed with planning: how I’m going to improve my daily life, planning what to teach in my next yoga classes, or who to invite to the morning self practice sessions, organizing how to get time off for the birth of my grand-daughter or my next Vipassana retreat or a trip to Sydney, working out the best day to have my car serviced, or what to cook, or whether to shower in the morning or evening, and so the mundane list goes on. The past doesn’t concern me so much, except to use it to inform my plans for tomorrow, next week, next year. Analysis and planning are my enemies.
In meditation, while observing this constant stream of narrative and planning, I am simultaneously working to quieten it. Coming back to the present, my changing breath, the physical sensations now amplified, aching inflamed nerves, a pinching in a shoulder muscle, the movement of my diaphragm, heat in the back of my neck. Oops, my thumbs have separated and I'm leaning backwards again...straighten the spine. The urge to move is observed closely as it arises, and then the slow motion process begins of deciding whether to give in and reposition, or to sit with that urge and observe it a bit longer so as to determine the cause of the urge: physical discomfort or boredom?
Only then do you move.
When the mind is quiet, clear and concentrated, the urge to move the body doesn’t arise; only when the mind wanders does the body get restless.
During the 3 days of the retreat I had no desire at all to do any physical yoga. I wanted my body to be fully immersed in meditation for the 3 days so I could monitor the physical after effects. I vividly remember doing Trikonasana and a standing backbend, hiding out in the toilet cubicles during my first 10 day retreat; that first sitting was such a physical shock and my body was screaming for the familiar stretching and opening of deep asana work. Physical exercise and yoga are discouraged on Vipassana retreats. They can can be a distraction from the intense inner focus required for deep change (or they can feel like the only friends you've got when the going gets tough!). Vipassana aims to break down the habit patterns of our desires and thoughts.
Noble silence is the greatest blessing on retreat. Within silence there is a deep and eternal peace, the quiet power of the Infinite. It’s always there, like a hidden lake miles below the bustle of the city streets. In meditation you find the map that can take you there, then you retrace your steps over and over. Sometimes amid the bustle of life I forget that its there. Silence reminds me
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Friday 23rd April 2004
The promise of a quieter, more contained life looms as I head off for the first 3 days of a Vipassana retreat tonight. Three days will have to suffice until I can get leave from work to do a full 10 day retreat later this year. Vipassana retreats often mark the start of a new phase for me. Perhaps I sense the need for a spiritual spring cleaning every so often. I know the first thing I do when I get home from a retreat is clean my house and my fridge…purge out all that is superfluous in my life to reflect my polished inner state.
I’ve recovered from the shock of no longer going to Simi’s shala for morning Mysore classes. There was a grieving process to go through with that loss: anger, denial, sadness etc until finally acceptance – then life goes on.
Simi’s is the only authentic Ashtanga shala in this city, but there are a couple of other teachers around. I tried out an evening Ashtanga class with “George” on Wednesday after work. It’s held in a huge community hall with a gymnasium feel about it. About 14 people showed up, chatting, joking, laying around on their mats after their hard day at work. Once it got going, the practice was purely a physical workout, no mention of bandhas and only a very occasional direction of where to gaze. George wandered around giving dangerous adjustments, giving me a yank into Marichy D and a strong spinal flattening in Kurmasana. My practice was strong and fluid and I thoroughly enjoyed just moving through it quite lightly for a change. After the class, someone approached me wide-eyed and said I was awesome to watch. I felt a bit embarrassed to have attracted that attention but it was understandable when I considered the level at which the others were at and their two dimensional approach to the practice. It felt nice to be able to show them how beautiful the Ashtanga practice can be – that you can imbue it with a grace and power and an unwavering focus that contains the energy. A lot of people practice with one eye on their neighbours, one eye on the teacher and both ears open to what’s being said 3 mats down both left and right. Focus and therefore energy is dissipated all over the place. We all have days like that, but it shouldn’t be the norm. On those days, Savasana is a struggle and I walk out of class with my head quietly imploding. But in George's class on Wednesday night I was fully in every moment and movement and despite being surrounded by beginners (or maybe because of that) my practice felt rich and velvety.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Monday 12th April
At Mysore practice this morning I had the misfortune of being between two second series practitioners. Not good for yoga self-esteem. I think the girl on my right moved to Pasasana after Parsvottanasana. Her jump throughs from Dog Pose are etherial. They seem to defy all laws of gravity. She hovers, suspended effortlessly in some kind of handstand with straight legs parallel to the floor, before perfectly sweeping them through to Dandasana. I felt so clumsy in comparison, but I figure if I stick at it, then eventually the penny will drop and my practice will take on that helium grace.
The guy on my left was having a pretty good time, cracking a casual joke here and there. Towards the end of the practice there were four people around me, standing up waiting for David to help them with drop backs (David was at the other end of the room). They just joked around for a while until he turned up - he didn't know who to help first. It was like a supermarket line up.
I was very aware of my wandering attention this morning, but it was my first Mysore practice with David, so I was curious: listening to what he was saying as he adjusted people, watching him shimmy between us all, eager to get to everybody. My only adjustment was in Marichy D where I've pretty much lost the plot lately. I don't know why I've always thought the back shoulder has to roll back in this pose - David had me rolling the shoulder forward. He also got me to squeeze the sitting bones together which gave a deeper opening in the hips. Again I didn't attempt any of my second series poses, or the drop backs. Major regression happening here. Just getting through primary series feels like a marathon now. I'm gonna have to rebuild the practice all over again. It's become a bit flatline - a maintenance practice where I don't push at the boundaries. I've been feeling very susceptible to injury lately and keeping it safe.
David's made it clear that he doesn't want anyone muddying the purity of the primary practice: no props, no embellishments, no lifting to headstand or handstand from Prasaritta Padottanasana, no Hanumanasana in primary series. The guy opposite me was severely reprimanded by David when he moved to the window ledge for Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana. Bad Boy.
I had a baffling moment when I couldn't get my arm through my Padmasana for Garbha Pindasana. No Way would it go through. Then the light finally went on and I realised I'd crossed my legs the wrong way (right over left). Evidence of a distracted mind (and an uneven Padmasana). Lost the rolls completely then, slowing to a stall three times during the 360. The flow of the practice kind of dropped off after that although I almost got both legs fully straight and my heels off the ground in Kurmasana. This pose used to be a favourite before the hamstring injury. Now my right leg goes into a sort of Parkinson's wobble when I try and direct the energy through to straighten it.
So where will I go from here with the practice, now that the shala set up has changed... Perhaps after a few more classes with David the answer will come. For now I have no idea, but trust my journey will continue to unfold perfectly - guided by the silent, ever present universal intelligence.
