Wednesday 31st May 2006
For future reference I’ve taken the reins and self-diagnosed the back injury I’ve sustained 5 times over the last 12 months (since no medical authorities have been able to). I
t seems to be a lower back sprain/strain which I’m afraid just doesn’t sound as dramatic as it actually is when it happens to you.
Damaging the muscles responsible for moving and supporting the lower back affects almost every movement of the body (except maybe twiddling your thumbs), it’s like they just go dead, there’s no response to the brain’s request for movement in the lumbar spine and no elasticity to the tissues.
If I bend forward, let’s say in Uttanasana, unwisely ignoring the dull pain for a few minutes, eventually the posterior muscle tissues give in a little to the force of gravity and extend, but then they won’t contract to get me up again.
So with this new understanding of what’s happening in there, I feel a bit more at ease about it.
Now I’d like to know why it keeps happening.
Yesterday I did my first tentative practice for about 2 weeks in the Gallery, stepping slowly through the Surya Namaskars and all the standing poses.
Although I couldn’t work deeply in the poses, it felt deeply satisfying to stretch open the muscles that had all tightened up from the injury, even just a little. Parivritta Parsvakonasana was the only pose that really troubled me.
After digging gently into my lumbar with a few backbends (Salabhasana, Bhujangasana and Ustrasana), I gave the forward bends a try and did the sequence up to Marichy A, with no vinyasas in between and staying mostly upright in the poses.
I remember yesterday discovering my front arm in Marichy A for a change and found I could roll the front shoulder WAY more forward than what I habitually do. Marichy B was too provocative to even approach and I wasn’t going to go there.
Had to skip my beloved inversions because my lower back muscles still won’t support the inverted weight through the spine so I just laid back and drew knees to chest and massaged the sensitive spots into the floor. Then meditated.
When I woke up to the alarm this morning, my right shoulder hurt. I must have tweaked it in Marichy A (so much for my discovery) and with that pathetic excuse added to the still tender back, I rolled over and slept on….
What is a Low Back Sprain?
Lower back pain affects 6 in 10 adults annually. More workdays are lost to back pain than any other ailment.
A sprain is an injury to tendons, ligaments, and/or muscle. When these tissues become overstretched or torn, they become inflamed, causing pain. Low back sprain results when the soft tissues of the lower back are stretched or torn. It can result from a sudden injury or from more gradual overuse. Muscle spasms may add to pain and discomfort, making movement difficult. The back is prone to this strain because of its weight-bearing function and involvement in our moving, twisting and bending. Low back sprain may be caused by a tear in an intervertebral disc in the lumbar area of the spine. When torn, the disc secretes substances that cause inflammation. Low back sprain may impair function for a period of up to 4 weeks. Fortunately the vast majority are self limited at about 3 weeks. In some cases the pain can become chronic or the sprain may recur due to inadequate conditioning.
Causes of a Low Back Sprain?
Identifying the specific cause of the sprain is usually impossible. Low back sprain can be due to sudden injuries, which result in overstretching or tearing of the soft tissues. Muscles in the low back are large, and strain is thus more painful. However, because the muscles in the lower back provide the stability and strength for even basic activities like walking or lifting, a sprain can occur from doing any of these activities if the muscles are poorly conditioned.
Symptoms of a Low Back Sprain?
The basic symptoms include:
Low back pain that may radiate into the buttocks, but not to the legs
Stiffness in the low back area, limiting motion
Inability to maintain normal posture due to stiffness and/or pain
Muscle spasms either with activity, or at rest
If pain is severe and not responding to initial treatment, or if the pain radiates to the legs, other tests may be required to determine what is causing the pain. CT scans or MRIs may be ordered in order to assess soft-tissue damage. Other possible causes of injury include a ruptured disk, degenerative disk disease, or fracture of one of the vertebrae.
Treatment of a Low Back Sprain?
Immediate treatment is aimed at reducing pain and stiffness, and relaxing the muscle spasm. Bed rest is necessary until standing and walking are possible, generally 1-3 days.
The following positions may prove most comfortable while resting:
Lying on the back with knees flexed, with a pillow underneath the knees
Lying on the side with a pillow between the knees
Lying on the stomach with a small pillow under the lower abdomen
While bed rest is necessary for a short time, however, the less complete rest the more effective healing may be. Prolonged bed rest can lead to a loss of muscle strength, and may in fact make muscles stiffer, adding to pain and discomfort.
Above information taken from here.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
For future reference I’ve taken the reins and self-diagnosed the back injury I’ve sustained 5 times over the last 12 months (since no medical authorities have been able to). I
t seems to be a lower back sprain/strain which I’m afraid just doesn’t sound as dramatic as it actually is when it happens to you.
Damaging the muscles responsible for moving and supporting the lower back affects almost every movement of the body (except maybe twiddling your thumbs), it’s like they just go dead, there’s no response to the brain’s request for movement in the lumbar spine and no elasticity to the tissues.
If I bend forward, let’s say in Uttanasana, unwisely ignoring the dull pain for a few minutes, eventually the posterior muscle tissues give in a little to the force of gravity and extend, but then they won’t contract to get me up again.
So with this new understanding of what’s happening in there, I feel a bit more at ease about it.
Now I’d like to know why it keeps happening.
Yesterday I did my first tentative practice for about 2 weeks in the Gallery, stepping slowly through the Surya Namaskars and all the standing poses.
Although I couldn’t work deeply in the poses, it felt deeply satisfying to stretch open the muscles that had all tightened up from the injury, even just a little. Parivritta Parsvakonasana was the only pose that really troubled me.
After digging gently into my lumbar with a few backbends (Salabhasana, Bhujangasana and Ustrasana), I gave the forward bends a try and did the sequence up to Marichy A, with no vinyasas in between and staying mostly upright in the poses.
I remember yesterday discovering my front arm in Marichy A for a change and found I could roll the front shoulder WAY more forward than what I habitually do. Marichy B was too provocative to even approach and I wasn’t going to go there.
Had to skip my beloved inversions because my lower back muscles still won’t support the inverted weight through the spine so I just laid back and drew knees to chest and massaged the sensitive spots into the floor. Then meditated.
When I woke up to the alarm this morning, my right shoulder hurt. I must have tweaked it in Marichy A (so much for my discovery) and with that pathetic excuse added to the still tender back, I rolled over and slept on….
What is a Low Back Sprain?
Lower back pain affects 6 in 10 adults annually. More workdays are lost to back pain than any other ailment.
A sprain is an injury to tendons, ligaments, and/or muscle. When these tissues become overstretched or torn, they become inflamed, causing pain. Low back sprain results when the soft tissues of the lower back are stretched or torn. It can result from a sudden injury or from more gradual overuse. Muscle spasms may add to pain and discomfort, making movement difficult. The back is prone to this strain because of its weight-bearing function and involvement in our moving, twisting and bending. Low back sprain may be caused by a tear in an intervertebral disc in the lumbar area of the spine. When torn, the disc secretes substances that cause inflammation. Low back sprain may impair function for a period of up to 4 weeks. Fortunately the vast majority are self limited at about 3 weeks. In some cases the pain can become chronic or the sprain may recur due to inadequate conditioning.
Causes of a Low Back Sprain?
Identifying the specific cause of the sprain is usually impossible. Low back sprain can be due to sudden injuries, which result in overstretching or tearing of the soft tissues. Muscles in the low back are large, and strain is thus more painful. However, because the muscles in the lower back provide the stability and strength for even basic activities like walking or lifting, a sprain can occur from doing any of these activities if the muscles are poorly conditioned.
Symptoms of a Low Back Sprain?
The basic symptoms include:
Low back pain that may radiate into the buttocks, but not to the legs
Stiffness in the low back area, limiting motion
Inability to maintain normal posture due to stiffness and/or pain
Muscle spasms either with activity, or at rest
If pain is severe and not responding to initial treatment, or if the pain radiates to the legs, other tests may be required to determine what is causing the pain. CT scans or MRIs may be ordered in order to assess soft-tissue damage. Other possible causes of injury include a ruptured disk, degenerative disk disease, or fracture of one of the vertebrae.
Treatment of a Low Back Sprain?
Immediate treatment is aimed at reducing pain and stiffness, and relaxing the muscle spasm. Bed rest is necessary until standing and walking are possible, generally 1-3 days.
The following positions may prove most comfortable while resting:
Lying on the back with knees flexed, with a pillow underneath the knees
Lying on the side with a pillow between the knees
Lying on the stomach with a small pillow under the lower abdomen
While bed rest is necessary for a short time, however, the less complete rest the more effective healing may be. Prolonged bed rest can lead to a loss of muscle strength, and may in fact make muscles stiffer, adding to pain and discomfort.
Above information taken from here.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Saturday 27th May 2006
Slight relief today. Walking isn’t aggravating my lumbar so that may signify the beginning of the healing process.
After all my raving about the injury yesterday, I don’t wish to go on about it any more, but one thing I should say is that upon further reflection, I don’t think it was caused by the strong adjustment in Parsvakonasana.
I was definitely stiffer than usual on Monday morning, so perhaps the overall practice just brought up to the surface what was awaiting to be uncovered.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Slight relief today. Walking isn’t aggravating my lumbar so that may signify the beginning of the healing process.
After all my raving about the injury yesterday, I don’t wish to go on about it any more, but one thing I should say is that upon further reflection, I don’t think it was caused by the strong adjustment in Parsvakonasana.
I was definitely stiffer than usual on Monday morning, so perhaps the overall practice just brought up to the surface what was awaiting to be uncovered.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Friday 26th May 2006
Injured again
My lower back condition hasn’t improved at all over the last 5 days. Since damaging my lumbar spine again in practice on Monday I’ve been getting around like a total cripple. Every movement hurts. Walking hurts. Turning over in bed at night is excruciating. Getting in and out of the car hurts. I can’t lift or carry anything over 2 kilos without feeling like my lumbar discs are being dangerously compressed and the root nerves electrocuted. Moving any part of my body remotely connected to my lower spine sets off sharp pains through my entire body. My lumbar curve is now dead flat again, there’s no curve to it at all and that’s how it wants to stay, not giving me even an inch either way to bend forward or back. The stiffness has gradually infiltrated my entire spine over the last few days so I’m now virtually incapable of any upper back rotation as well. Even turning my head (cervical rotation) sends shock waves through the sensitive spinal musculature.
I should be laying in bed and NOT MOVING A MUSCLE. Paralysis would be a relief
Yoga is definitely off the agenda for a while so looking on the bright side, it’s giving me an opportunity to spend my early mornings in meditation. The problem is that sitting upright for any length of time stresses my lumbar.
Dear Kosta is going to sub my morning class tomorrow – being a dynamic Level 2 class I just couldn’t imagine how I'd get through it, but I will have to teach the afternoon class. That will be a test because I tend to demonstrate a lot and I won’t be able to, so it will be an exercise in how to teach while walking around instructing, observing and adjusting. Many of my own teachers have taught like this and they always came across as very authoritative because they seem to direct from above without joining the students on the floor.
I really don’t like writing about my back but I have to journal it so that I can keep track of the frequency of these lumbar incidents, and hopefully, eventually, make a connection between the recurrences and work out the cause.
I do have my suspicions.
I was thinking this particular incident might have been caused by an over-zealous adjustment in Parsvakonasana last Monday. It’s one possibility because I was completely off balance when I was adjusted, so there was no energy or grounding through my legs from which to deepen into the spinal twist. I got twisted while I was limp.
The only other possibility is one I’m hesitant to consider. Because if it IS the cause, then the only way out is to become celibate! I wasn’t quite ready for such complete devotion to the highest spiritual path – 10 or 20 years time, maybe – Lord, please don’t rush me into this one. Having to make that kind of pledge really sorts out the truly devoted mystics from the wanna-have-it-all yogis.
My teacher David has recommended a chiropractor who I’ll see next Thursday but by that time the pain intensity will have eased and I may – fingers crossed - even be back to normal.
David leaves this weekend for 3 months of teaching overseas and Simi will be teaching the early morning Mysore classes in his place from next Monday for a period of 4 weeks before she too heads overseas. Simi’s genuine spiritual grace is the reason I started Ashtanga so I’m really looking forward to practising with her again…praying, praying, praying for a speedy recovery this weekend. . After Simi leaves there’ll be no early morning Mysore classes for 2 months and the morning crew will become orphans again.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Monday 22nd May 2006
Motivation
Ashtanga practice last week dropped off mid week and I didn’t practice again until today. No excuses.
Three days in a row I set the alarm with good intentions and changed my mind when it went off. Whatever the excuses were that I told myself at the time, it is in reality a lapse in my motivation.
It’s always interesting to dig beneath the superficial reasons to find out what negative pattern is lurking beneath the surface and sabotaging my good intentions.
Motivation to get up religiously at 5am, six mornings a week comes and goes. Sometimes I have a burning desire for daily practice, I relish it, I can’t wait to get up and out into the fresh, quiet early morning air, head off to the shala or the Gallery with my heart ablaze. Other times, blah.
Motivation is an interesting one to ponder…
What really drives us and ignites our passion?
If the Ego Self is strong, motivation is often driven by the desire to be loved/appreciated/acknowledged/respected etc.
What motivates us determines what we give priority and energy to in our life.
“Where the thoughts go, the energy follows” is an insightful reminder to keep my focus and thoughts on the higher spheres.
Even in the Ashtanga practice I can notice how energy follows thought, such as when my mind and thoughts are completely focussed on the breath and not scattered over the details of my mundane activities, my practice is always strong and energetic. I also notice it in a localised way, like when I’m holding an asana and my mind moves to one small place in my body that feels dead and I consciously try to enliven it; or when my mind directs a part of my body to move in a particular way eg. deepening a twist, engaging a certain muscle etc. By directing the mind to a part of the body, the energy of thought gathers and is focussed there so that the body can respond.
When we focus the mind on something (eg. a part of the body, a chakra, or even a sense of the Divine presence), energy automatically flows toward and gathers at that point of focus, bringing a clear awareness and vitality to the object; from that magnified presence of mind, changes can be implemented.
Taking this insight from the mat and applying it to the higher arena of spiritual practice in daily life, the thoughts that preoccupy our conscious daily mind are incredibly scattered in all directions which really dissipates our energy/prana/life force. My good intentions to maintain a higher view throughout the day have to be supported by a strong and consistent focus on the spiritual vision I have.
For example, over the last couple of weeks, I lowered myself into a whirling cesspool of miscellaneous activities, grabbing fast snacks, running between unnecessary appointments, topping up on caffeine, my mind caught up in the busyness of life instead of remaining clear and detached.
Every evening when I took time out to read a bit more of the book on Mysticism, I felt despair – how am I ever going to advance my spiritual practice if I can’t keep my mind consistently on the bigger picture?
So I took Thursday and Friday off work. TIME OUT! Time to stop and re-evaluate.
Two days off was barely enough to gather myself back together. I did 6 hours of meditation on Thursday and then spent Friday catching up on all the domestic chores and errands that had been mounting up. Then back to routine on Saturday: teaching my two yoga classes, spending the evening with a new friend and heading down the coast for a surf on Sunday morning.
After all this I retreated to bed at 3pm on Sunday afternoon and stayed there until the alarm went off at 5am this morning.
So where was I? Oh yes, contemplating motivation.
You just can’t enforce the motivation to practice daily. But you can enforce the discipline.
Real motivation for spiritual practice must come from the heart. For me this means acknowledging that there is only one important path to follow – the path that leads me into God – mystical union – enlightenment. Preoccupation with the meaty stuff of mundane life (relationships, work, family, illness) without a higher motivation dilutes the strength of our spiritual vitality. We get pulled by the lure of superficial pleasures and gossipy distractions.
So during those times when motivation to practice is low, I have to rely on faith and discipline to see me through the lull, recognising that the ebb and flow of motivation is a natural and necessary part of the long journey home.
Practice: Does this pain signify an opening, or is that all dangerous nonsense?
My lower back was a little stiff at the start of practice this morning and I watched in horror as it deteriorated over the next two hours.
Here we go - injury again.
Each forward bend aggravated it further and it got stiffer and stiffer with each vinyasa until I reached that point where I needed three full breaths to curve into the Upwards Dogs. Miraculously I managed to bind in Marichy D and then hold the 5 Navasanas easily. No shortage of energy and strength today.
But after the Navasanas, something changed. My head went into a spin at the thought of what was to come. Before I jumped into the first stage of Bhuja Pindasana, I paused in Dog Pose and tried to calm the panic. My lower back was seizing up and my abdomen had tightened up in a protective fear response.
The jump forward was like leaping off a building.
From standing, I bent forward and carefully worked my shoulders behind my upper thighs, easing into the resistance of my lower back. I managed to do the pose with some integrity, but stretching into Tittibasana set off all the alarm bells so I stepped out of it instead of doing the Bakasana jump back transition.
Uh Oh – Kurmasana. Should I go there? Kurmasana is one step away from the epicentre of the war zone when my lumbar is seized up in defence mode.
I gave it a go, desperately praying that David would stay down the other end of the room and not touch me, and definitely not adjust me! After wedging my shoulders behind my thighs again and coming face to face with the unwillingness of my lower back to round into a curve, I lowered my buttocks down to the floor and folded down into Kurmasana, knees still bent. My breath began to race and I couldn’t calm it down. Deep in my hip joints and lower back the demons were arising and screeching wildly. Straightening my legs was not an option – getting out of the pose was urgent. I whipped myself out of it and nearly burst into tears. I was almost in a clinical state of shock.
What the hell is going on here?
I finished the rest of practice but there were some poses I couldn’t stay in. Halasana was one of them. I had no ability to lift up through my lower back at all, it was dead and collapsed and the ache skyrocketed. Even the passive version of it, knees slightly bent didn’t work. Karna Pidasana on the other hand was OK – maybe because it has more of a relaxed curve for the lumbar.
I don’t know whether to avoid doing those things that aggravate my back (I’d have to consider both celibacy and a modified Ashtanga practice) or whether I should continue to practice and have faith in the Ashtanga process to cast these demons out of my body/psyche. Ashtanga certainly shows up where my stubborn refusal to change is locked into my body and if the cause of my back problem is a metaphysical one, then there must be some massive trauma stuck in there.
Should I keep prodding it out into the open and put up with pain and possible injury or should I avoid doing this to myself?
Why put myself through the agony of ongoing physical pain, working into an unstable lumbar spine, when I could possibly be doing permanent damage. Yes, I’m being sceptical, AND I’m doubting, AND I’m questioning the apparent madness of this method. This is a test of faith versus blind devotion.
Shouldn’t I be treating my body as a temple, loving and caring for it like a child, treating it tenderly and with respect?
So I sit here in the café, post-practice, back aching like hell. I think I’m writing all this down to avoid the inevitable moment when I have to actually stand up and try to walk out of here. I think I need a bottle of pain killers just to get up from this sitting position.
But the working day is about to begin, so here goes…..
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Monday 15th May 2006
It wasn’t very long ago that I’d relish the chance to sleep in on a Sunday morning (or any other morning to be honest). But I realised yesterday morning that this has changed.
I decided to forgo the quiet Sunday morning self practice at the shala and go surfing instead, having not surfed for what seems like 2 months. But as I lay in bed, wide awake at 5.30am I had to force myself to stay there. Really I could have gotten up and done a practice there and then, but the desire to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING, was so strong, it became fascinating. I stayed in bed and watched this urge to get up, denying myself the gratification.
Staying in bed and sleeping in is not a luxury any more, it’s a travesty. The early morning hours hold secrets and I love the freshness of the dawn, the mystery in the air.
It wasn’t a great morning out in the surf, messy kind of waves, lots of duck diving, but the ocean flushed all the impurities out of my soul.
I arrived home later that day to find the hot water service broken and a new one to be installed on Tuesday – that’s 2 days without a shower.
When I got up for practice this morning, my skin was still wearing an invisible layer of ocean debris, my hair matted stiff with salt, but I felt surprisingly clean.
I’ve noticed on those (rare) occasions when I’ve overindulged on the junk food that I’ve felt obsessively compelled to have a long hot shower. Having polluted my body I feel really unclean and although washing the skin doesn’t clean the inner crap out, the compulsion has still been there.
So here was the opposite thing happening - my outer body salty, but my inner body clean, no shower needed.
Despite lots of energy, my joints were a bit stiff today so I wasn’t quite so bendy. Practice was zippy because I didn’t feel like staying in the poses for too long or working too deeply. No analysis, no delving into dark corners, no getting heavy, just a light skimmer of a practice. I got no adjustments until Triang Mukha. David came down my end of the shala quite a few times but always when I was doing those poses that he never adjusts me in (and some of them I really think I need fresh instruction in).
Today I got adjusted on one side in Marichy C and then the full monty in Marichy D. When I jumped forward for Supta Kurmasana he was waiting for me. For the first time he stopped me there and took me to the wall for the Supta K research pose – the standing forward bend with arms hooked through bent legs and bum resting to the wall. Looks like Tittibasana B to me but my fingers don’t bind in this position so I get to use a rubber ring to connect the hands. Trying to straighten my legs in this was absolute murder for my hips and lower back. It was extraordinary. After the first attempt I collapsed in disbelief, panic and a breathless giggle but managed to do it twice more with slightly more composure.
After this I went straight to Garbha Pindasana.
What a difference this little exercise made to my back – immediately. Garbha Pindasana was a dream even though I’d forgotten to grease my arms before practice. I did the full pose, arms through legs, hands under chin, with 9 perfect rolls.
I do wonder why I love this Ashtanga practice so much, especially as my journey is moving me into the deeper hinterlands of mysticism. I could be spending these precious early morning hours in meditation and communion, working on purifying my mind, but instead I get up and go to the shala to work through a series of movements that purify my body. Even so, I sense that evolutionary transcendental changes are working their way through the very core of my psyche, ever so slowly, ever so methodically.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Injured again
My lower back condition hasn’t improved at all over the last 5 days. Since damaging my lumbar spine again in practice on Monday I’ve been getting around like a total cripple. Every movement hurts. Walking hurts. Turning over in bed at night is excruciating. Getting in and out of the car hurts. I can’t lift or carry anything over 2 kilos without feeling like my lumbar discs are being dangerously compressed and the root nerves electrocuted. Moving any part of my body remotely connected to my lower spine sets off sharp pains through my entire body. My lumbar curve is now dead flat again, there’s no curve to it at all and that’s how it wants to stay, not giving me even an inch either way to bend forward or back. The stiffness has gradually infiltrated my entire spine over the last few days so I’m now virtually incapable of any upper back rotation as well. Even turning my head (cervical rotation) sends shock waves through the sensitive spinal musculature.
I should be laying in bed and NOT MOVING A MUSCLE. Paralysis would be a relief
Yoga is definitely off the agenda for a while so looking on the bright side, it’s giving me an opportunity to spend my early mornings in meditation. The problem is that sitting upright for any length of time stresses my lumbar.
Dear Kosta is going to sub my morning class tomorrow – being a dynamic Level 2 class I just couldn’t imagine how I'd get through it, but I will have to teach the afternoon class. That will be a test because I tend to demonstrate a lot and I won’t be able to, so it will be an exercise in how to teach while walking around instructing, observing and adjusting. Many of my own teachers have taught like this and they always came across as very authoritative because they seem to direct from above without joining the students on the floor.
I really don’t like writing about my back but I have to journal it so that I can keep track of the frequency of these lumbar incidents, and hopefully, eventually, make a connection between the recurrences and work out the cause.
I do have my suspicions.
I was thinking this particular incident might have been caused by an over-zealous adjustment in Parsvakonasana last Monday. It’s one possibility because I was completely off balance when I was adjusted, so there was no energy or grounding through my legs from which to deepen into the spinal twist. I got twisted while I was limp.
The only other possibility is one I’m hesitant to consider. Because if it IS the cause, then the only way out is to become celibate! I wasn’t quite ready for such complete devotion to the highest spiritual path – 10 or 20 years time, maybe – Lord, please don’t rush me into this one. Having to make that kind of pledge really sorts out the truly devoted mystics from the wanna-have-it-all yogis.
My teacher David has recommended a chiropractor who I’ll see next Thursday but by that time the pain intensity will have eased and I may – fingers crossed - even be back to normal.
David leaves this weekend for 3 months of teaching overseas and Simi will be teaching the early morning Mysore classes in his place from next Monday for a period of 4 weeks before she too heads overseas. Simi’s genuine spiritual grace is the reason I started Ashtanga so I’m really looking forward to practising with her again…praying, praying, praying for a speedy recovery this weekend. . After Simi leaves there’ll be no early morning Mysore classes for 2 months and the morning crew will become orphans again.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Monday 22nd May 2006
Motivation
Ashtanga practice last week dropped off mid week and I didn’t practice again until today. No excuses.
Three days in a row I set the alarm with good intentions and changed my mind when it went off. Whatever the excuses were that I told myself at the time, it is in reality a lapse in my motivation.
It’s always interesting to dig beneath the superficial reasons to find out what negative pattern is lurking beneath the surface and sabotaging my good intentions.
Motivation to get up religiously at 5am, six mornings a week comes and goes. Sometimes I have a burning desire for daily practice, I relish it, I can’t wait to get up and out into the fresh, quiet early morning air, head off to the shala or the Gallery with my heart ablaze. Other times, blah.
Motivation is an interesting one to ponder…
What really drives us and ignites our passion?
If the Ego Self is strong, motivation is often driven by the desire to be loved/appreciated/acknowledged/respected etc.
What motivates us determines what we give priority and energy to in our life.
“Where the thoughts go, the energy follows” is an insightful reminder to keep my focus and thoughts on the higher spheres.
Even in the Ashtanga practice I can notice how energy follows thought, such as when my mind and thoughts are completely focussed on the breath and not scattered over the details of my mundane activities, my practice is always strong and energetic. I also notice it in a localised way, like when I’m holding an asana and my mind moves to one small place in my body that feels dead and I consciously try to enliven it; or when my mind directs a part of my body to move in a particular way eg. deepening a twist, engaging a certain muscle etc. By directing the mind to a part of the body, the energy of thought gathers and is focussed there so that the body can respond.
When we focus the mind on something (eg. a part of the body, a chakra, or even a sense of the Divine presence), energy automatically flows toward and gathers at that point of focus, bringing a clear awareness and vitality to the object; from that magnified presence of mind, changes can be implemented.
Taking this insight from the mat and applying it to the higher arena of spiritual practice in daily life, the thoughts that preoccupy our conscious daily mind are incredibly scattered in all directions which really dissipates our energy/prana/life force. My good intentions to maintain a higher view throughout the day have to be supported by a strong and consistent focus on the spiritual vision I have.
For example, over the last couple of weeks, I lowered myself into a whirling cesspool of miscellaneous activities, grabbing fast snacks, running between unnecessary appointments, topping up on caffeine, my mind caught up in the busyness of life instead of remaining clear and detached.
Every evening when I took time out to read a bit more of the book on Mysticism, I felt despair – how am I ever going to advance my spiritual practice if I can’t keep my mind consistently on the bigger picture?
So I took Thursday and Friday off work. TIME OUT! Time to stop and re-evaluate.
Two days off was barely enough to gather myself back together. I did 6 hours of meditation on Thursday and then spent Friday catching up on all the domestic chores and errands that had been mounting up. Then back to routine on Saturday: teaching my two yoga classes, spending the evening with a new friend and heading down the coast for a surf on Sunday morning.
After all this I retreated to bed at 3pm on Sunday afternoon and stayed there until the alarm went off at 5am this morning.
So where was I? Oh yes, contemplating motivation.
You just can’t enforce the motivation to practice daily. But you can enforce the discipline.
Real motivation for spiritual practice must come from the heart. For me this means acknowledging that there is only one important path to follow – the path that leads me into God – mystical union – enlightenment. Preoccupation with the meaty stuff of mundane life (relationships, work, family, illness) without a higher motivation dilutes the strength of our spiritual vitality. We get pulled by the lure of superficial pleasures and gossipy distractions.
So during those times when motivation to practice is low, I have to rely on faith and discipline to see me through the lull, recognising that the ebb and flow of motivation is a natural and necessary part of the long journey home.
Practice: Does this pain signify an opening, or is that all dangerous nonsense?
My lower back was a little stiff at the start of practice this morning and I watched in horror as it deteriorated over the next two hours.
Here we go - injury again.
Each forward bend aggravated it further and it got stiffer and stiffer with each vinyasa until I reached that point where I needed three full breaths to curve into the Upwards Dogs. Miraculously I managed to bind in Marichy D and then hold the 5 Navasanas easily. No shortage of energy and strength today.
But after the Navasanas, something changed. My head went into a spin at the thought of what was to come. Before I jumped into the first stage of Bhuja Pindasana, I paused in Dog Pose and tried to calm the panic. My lower back was seizing up and my abdomen had tightened up in a protective fear response.
The jump forward was like leaping off a building.
From standing, I bent forward and carefully worked my shoulders behind my upper thighs, easing into the resistance of my lower back. I managed to do the pose with some integrity, but stretching into Tittibasana set off all the alarm bells so I stepped out of it instead of doing the Bakasana jump back transition.
Uh Oh – Kurmasana. Should I go there? Kurmasana is one step away from the epicentre of the war zone when my lumbar is seized up in defence mode.
I gave it a go, desperately praying that David would stay down the other end of the room and not touch me, and definitely not adjust me! After wedging my shoulders behind my thighs again and coming face to face with the unwillingness of my lower back to round into a curve, I lowered my buttocks down to the floor and folded down into Kurmasana, knees still bent. My breath began to race and I couldn’t calm it down. Deep in my hip joints and lower back the demons were arising and screeching wildly. Straightening my legs was not an option – getting out of the pose was urgent. I whipped myself out of it and nearly burst into tears. I was almost in a clinical state of shock.
What the hell is going on here?
I finished the rest of practice but there were some poses I couldn’t stay in. Halasana was one of them. I had no ability to lift up through my lower back at all, it was dead and collapsed and the ache skyrocketed. Even the passive version of it, knees slightly bent didn’t work. Karna Pidasana on the other hand was OK – maybe because it has more of a relaxed curve for the lumbar.
I don’t know whether to avoid doing those things that aggravate my back (I’d have to consider both celibacy and a modified Ashtanga practice) or whether I should continue to practice and have faith in the Ashtanga process to cast these demons out of my body/psyche. Ashtanga certainly shows up where my stubborn refusal to change is locked into my body and if the cause of my back problem is a metaphysical one, then there must be some massive trauma stuck in there.
Should I keep prodding it out into the open and put up with pain and possible injury or should I avoid doing this to myself?
Why put myself through the agony of ongoing physical pain, working into an unstable lumbar spine, when I could possibly be doing permanent damage. Yes, I’m being sceptical, AND I’m doubting, AND I’m questioning the apparent madness of this method. This is a test of faith versus blind devotion.
Shouldn’t I be treating my body as a temple, loving and caring for it like a child, treating it tenderly and with respect?
So I sit here in the café, post-practice, back aching like hell. I think I’m writing all this down to avoid the inevitable moment when I have to actually stand up and try to walk out of here. I think I need a bottle of pain killers just to get up from this sitting position.
But the working day is about to begin, so here goes…..
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Monday 15th May 2006
It wasn’t very long ago that I’d relish the chance to sleep in on a Sunday morning (or any other morning to be honest). But I realised yesterday morning that this has changed.
I decided to forgo the quiet Sunday morning self practice at the shala and go surfing instead, having not surfed for what seems like 2 months. But as I lay in bed, wide awake at 5.30am I had to force myself to stay there. Really I could have gotten up and done a practice there and then, but the desire to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING, was so strong, it became fascinating. I stayed in bed and watched this urge to get up, denying myself the gratification.
Staying in bed and sleeping in is not a luxury any more, it’s a travesty. The early morning hours hold secrets and I love the freshness of the dawn, the mystery in the air.
It wasn’t a great morning out in the surf, messy kind of waves, lots of duck diving, but the ocean flushed all the impurities out of my soul.
I arrived home later that day to find the hot water service broken and a new one to be installed on Tuesday – that’s 2 days without a shower.
When I got up for practice this morning, my skin was still wearing an invisible layer of ocean debris, my hair matted stiff with salt, but I felt surprisingly clean.
I’ve noticed on those (rare) occasions when I’ve overindulged on the junk food that I’ve felt obsessively compelled to have a long hot shower. Having polluted my body I feel really unclean and although washing the skin doesn’t clean the inner crap out, the compulsion has still been there.
So here was the opposite thing happening - my outer body salty, but my inner body clean, no shower needed.
Despite lots of energy, my joints were a bit stiff today so I wasn’t quite so bendy. Practice was zippy because I didn’t feel like staying in the poses for too long or working too deeply. No analysis, no delving into dark corners, no getting heavy, just a light skimmer of a practice. I got no adjustments until Triang Mukha. David came down my end of the shala quite a few times but always when I was doing those poses that he never adjusts me in (and some of them I really think I need fresh instruction in).
Today I got adjusted on one side in Marichy C and then the full monty in Marichy D. When I jumped forward for Supta Kurmasana he was waiting for me. For the first time he stopped me there and took me to the wall for the Supta K research pose – the standing forward bend with arms hooked through bent legs and bum resting to the wall. Looks like Tittibasana B to me but my fingers don’t bind in this position so I get to use a rubber ring to connect the hands. Trying to straighten my legs in this was absolute murder for my hips and lower back. It was extraordinary. After the first attempt I collapsed in disbelief, panic and a breathless giggle but managed to do it twice more with slightly more composure.
After this I went straight to Garbha Pindasana.
What a difference this little exercise made to my back – immediately. Garbha Pindasana was a dream even though I’d forgotten to grease my arms before practice. I did the full pose, arms through legs, hands under chin, with 9 perfect rolls.
I do wonder why I love this Ashtanga practice so much, especially as my journey is moving me into the deeper hinterlands of mysticism. I could be spending these precious early morning hours in meditation and communion, working on purifying my mind, but instead I get up and go to the shala to work through a series of movements that purify my body. Even so, I sense that evolutionary transcendental changes are working their way through the very core of my psyche, ever so slowly, ever so methodically.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Thursday 11th May 2006
Close encounter with a koala
It’s THAT time of the month again and today is Day 3 of no practice.
My physical yoga practice is getting me to the mat regularly, but it’s not satisfying my deeper spiritual thirst. Beneath the surface, a kind of ominous rumbling is shaking the ground I stand upon and change is imminent.
More about that later.
So being a good girl for a change, I legitimately took the 3 regulation days off from Ashtanga.
But rather than sleep in today (which I now equate with that delightfully archaic term described by Buddhists as “sloth and torpor”), I got up at 5.30am and drove up to the hills just outside of Adelaide for an invigorating walk around my favourite gully before starting work at 8.30am.
With winter rapidly approaching, the sun doesn’t rise now until 6.45am, which I hadn’t taken into account, so the first quarter hour of the walk up the slippery, overgrown track was in total night darkness. I did seriously wonder about my sanity at that point.
What kind of person wanders through the bush in the dark at such an odd hour?
Almost imperceptibly, a dull light gradually spread over the densely clouded sky, no fanfare of brilliant colour to mark the dawning of another day.
I go walkabouts quite regularly up here. The bush track meanders up and around a fairly steep climb, joins up with the famous Heysen Trail for a kilometre or so, then winds its way down through an abandoned waterfall following a creek down through the gully.
Half way down the gully track I went to duck under the fallen tree branch which was crossing the path horizontally at about chest height and I noticed a baby koala perched smack bang in the middle of the branch. A cuddly, furry little grey and white toy that had magically come alive. We exchanged cautious gazes, feeling each other out. Apparently they can be quite aggresive, but when you see them, it’s almost impossible to believe, they seem so placid and sanguine. I’ve cuddled tame koalas in the national parks before, but this was a little wild one – I wasn’t so sure.
Ever so carefully I extended my hand, speaking softly to soothe her. She sniffed. I moved my hand closer to her nose, she sniffed. I edged it so close that it touched her, she sniffed more. I’d made contact. My hand simply couldn’t resist patting her soft furry cheek and she seemed quite indifferent to my gentle stroking for a minute or two until strike…she suddenly nipped my knuckle. Teeth in flesh. Not too deep but enough for me to jump, which of course scared the poor little thing. She sat for a moment with claws bared, so I apologised for disturbing her and then let her be. She clambered across the fallen tree trunk and I continued on my way.
Mornings are magical times.
Change is imminent
Every now and then, at the most perfect time, we come across a book (or a person, or a lecture, or an opportunity) that alters our co-ordinates and steers us towards a different direction. It may be that we are urged to do a complete turnaround (‘you’re going the WRONG WAY”), or it may show us a new side street to explore, or it may just be a slight re-orientation to the left or right to get us back on track when we’re veering off course.
I stumbled by chance across a book in the library a couple of weeks ago, which so profoundly affected my internal compass, that it spun me around a good three times before I knew what was happening. Now I’m facing a path I’d never seen before. Yet it has always been there, waiting for me.
The book, written in 1911 is by Evelyn Underhill and titled “Mysticism – the nature and development of spiritual consciousness”.
I have never come across writing like this in all my readings over the years. It describes in the most clear, precise language the inner experiences of mystical stirrings from the early stages of awakening to the fully developed state of total and unwavering union with The Source. The author draws heavily on original manuscripts from the past, people who have worked with their inner psychology to prepare for enlightenment and those who have been struck by the Grace of God with no warning. Their words are reproduced, and their experiences collated and analysed with such precision and eloquence that I can only surmise Ms Underhill was a true mystic herself.
For a while now I’ve been feeling that both the Yoga and Buddhist practices are missing something, and these are traditions I’ve followed and practised ardently for many years in my quest for Ultimate Truth.
On occasions I've delved into the Sufi writings, feeling a rather eerie empathy with their absolute surrender to and immersion in the Divine (I've seen them described as Divine masochists) . They unashamedly revel in the mystical communion that to me was missing from the other Eastern traditions, yet I never felt drawn to explore the Sufi practices.
Now the reality of mystical life is beckoning me. Not the Sufi path, but a purely mystical path, unadulterated by any pedagogy.
This is the path that was always there and this book has shone a light on it for me.
Here's a random quote from the concluding chapter of the book:
“Every person, then, who awakens to consciousness of a Reality which transcends the normal world of sense – however small, weak, imperfect that consciousness may be – is put upon a road which follows at low levels the path which the mystic treads at high levels. The success with which he follows this way to freedom and full life will depend on the intensity of his love and will; his capacity for self-discipline, his steadfastness and courage. It will depend on the generosity and completeness of his outgoing passion for absolute beauty, absolute goodness, or absolute truth. But if he moves at all, he will move through a series of states which are, in their own small way, analogous to those experienced by the greatest contemplative on his journey towards that union with God which is the term of the spirit’s ascent towards its home.”
“When the student is ready the teacher appears”.
This book is divine inspiration and my new teacher in disguise.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Close encounter with a koala
It’s THAT time of the month again and today is Day 3 of no practice.
My physical yoga practice is getting me to the mat regularly, but it’s not satisfying my deeper spiritual thirst. Beneath the surface, a kind of ominous rumbling is shaking the ground I stand upon and change is imminent.
More about that later.
So being a good girl for a change, I legitimately took the 3 regulation days off from Ashtanga.
But rather than sleep in today (which I now equate with that delightfully archaic term described by Buddhists as “sloth and torpor”), I got up at 5.30am and drove up to the hills just outside of Adelaide for an invigorating walk around my favourite gully before starting work at 8.30am.
With winter rapidly approaching, the sun doesn’t rise now until 6.45am, which I hadn’t taken into account, so the first quarter hour of the walk up the slippery, overgrown track was in total night darkness. I did seriously wonder about my sanity at that point.
What kind of person wanders through the bush in the dark at such an odd hour?
Almost imperceptibly, a dull light gradually spread over the densely clouded sky, no fanfare of brilliant colour to mark the dawning of another day.
I go walkabouts quite regularly up here. The bush track meanders up and around a fairly steep climb, joins up with the famous Heysen Trail for a kilometre or so, then winds its way down through an abandoned waterfall following a creek down through the gully.
Half way down the gully track I went to duck under the fallen tree branch which was crossing the path horizontally at about chest height and I noticed a baby koala perched smack bang in the middle of the branch. A cuddly, furry little grey and white toy that had magically come alive. We exchanged cautious gazes, feeling each other out. Apparently they can be quite aggresive, but when you see them, it’s almost impossible to believe, they seem so placid and sanguine. I’ve cuddled tame koalas in the national parks before, but this was a little wild one – I wasn’t so sure.
Ever so carefully I extended my hand, speaking softly to soothe her. She sniffed. I moved my hand closer to her nose, she sniffed. I edged it so close that it touched her, she sniffed more. I’d made contact. My hand simply couldn’t resist patting her soft furry cheek and she seemed quite indifferent to my gentle stroking for a minute or two until strike…she suddenly nipped my knuckle. Teeth in flesh. Not too deep but enough for me to jump, which of course scared the poor little thing. She sat for a moment with claws bared, so I apologised for disturbing her and then let her be. She clambered across the fallen tree trunk and I continued on my way.
Mornings are magical times.
Change is imminent
Every now and then, at the most perfect time, we come across a book (or a person, or a lecture, or an opportunity) that alters our co-ordinates and steers us towards a different direction. It may be that we are urged to do a complete turnaround (‘you’re going the WRONG WAY”), or it may show us a new side street to explore, or it may just be a slight re-orientation to the left or right to get us back on track when we’re veering off course.
I stumbled by chance across a book in the library a couple of weeks ago, which so profoundly affected my internal compass, that it spun me around a good three times before I knew what was happening. Now I’m facing a path I’d never seen before. Yet it has always been there, waiting for me.
The book, written in 1911 is by Evelyn Underhill and titled “Mysticism – the nature and development of spiritual consciousness”.
I have never come across writing like this in all my readings over the years. It describes in the most clear, precise language the inner experiences of mystical stirrings from the early stages of awakening to the fully developed state of total and unwavering union with The Source. The author draws heavily on original manuscripts from the past, people who have worked with their inner psychology to prepare for enlightenment and those who have been struck by the Grace of God with no warning. Their words are reproduced, and their experiences collated and analysed with such precision and eloquence that I can only surmise Ms Underhill was a true mystic herself.
For a while now I’ve been feeling that both the Yoga and Buddhist practices are missing something, and these are traditions I’ve followed and practised ardently for many years in my quest for Ultimate Truth.
On occasions I've delved into the Sufi writings, feeling a rather eerie empathy with their absolute surrender to and immersion in the Divine (I've seen them described as Divine masochists) . They unashamedly revel in the mystical communion that to me was missing from the other Eastern traditions, yet I never felt drawn to explore the Sufi practices.
Now the reality of mystical life is beckoning me. Not the Sufi path, but a purely mystical path, unadulterated by any pedagogy.
This is the path that was always there and this book has shone a light on it for me.
Here's a random quote from the concluding chapter of the book:
“Every person, then, who awakens to consciousness of a Reality which transcends the normal world of sense – however small, weak, imperfect that consciousness may be – is put upon a road which follows at low levels the path which the mystic treads at high levels. The success with which he follows this way to freedom and full life will depend on the intensity of his love and will; his capacity for self-discipline, his steadfastness and courage. It will depend on the generosity and completeness of his outgoing passion for absolute beauty, absolute goodness, or absolute truth. But if he moves at all, he will move through a series of states which are, in their own small way, analogous to those experienced by the greatest contemplative on his journey towards that union with God which is the term of the spirit’s ascent towards its home.”
“When the student is ready the teacher appears”.
This book is divine inspiration and my new teacher in disguise.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
